23 August 2003 ~ The Elvis impersonator...

It really would be too harsh, and probably inaccurate, to say that I don't give a shit about this wedding. Of course I give a shit.

Then again, I give a shit in the same way that I'd give a shit if somebody told me that their great-great-aunt's cocker spaniel died.

Weddings are happy, because they're a big party, and that's just delightful or what-the-fuck-ever, and the bride and groom are (hopefully) happy. So, whoop-dee-freaking-doo, I'm happy. Look at the fucking JOY.

I BARELY know these people who are getting married. As a matter of fact, I've never met the groom. I've spoken to the bride maybe twice in my life, and both times, I was preoccupied with trying to get Jake to get moving, or we'd be late for something. It's not that I don't CARE about these people, it's just that I don't KNOW them.

Well, everybody in this entire house is absolutely flipping out about this wedding. The party favors are finished, and the candy is wrapped in sweet little baggies, but every ten minutes, there's another crisis. Jake is videotaping the ceremony, so there was a crisis about buying film. Then, there was a crisis about who was paying for it. Then, there was a crisis about where to get the film, and when to leave the house. Then, there was a crisis about the battery in the camcorder. Then, Jake had to call someone else to see if they were bringing their camcorder in order to get another angle. And that person's family appeared to be having a crisis over the phone ringing and Jake calling.

Then there was a crisis about who would go to the ceremony at what time, and when, and in what vehicle.

It's not that I don't give a shit about these people. It's not that I'm not wishing them good luck and happiness; I am. And it's not that I'm even blaming them for all the stress. It's not their fault, really. So what the hell? Why has everyone suddenly lost their minds over someone ELSE'S wedding? There's no reason to flip out over something like this!

So, Jake and I have made a decision. When we get married, instead of causing this much chaos with a huge ceremony and a 100-person reception, we're going to go to a sweet little chapel in Las Vegas. I will procure a large string, or ribbon, or bit of rope. I will tie one end to Jake, and one end to myself, so that we can at least get our whereabouts organized and accounted for. I can easily imagine us losing each other just before a ceremony. Then, we will enter the chapel, and pay an Elvis impersonator to marry us and sing "Love Me Tender," and then we will leave.

After all, enormous rituals are for people who are insecure. Or for people's parents. And I'm really quite secure with Jake. We ARE married in all ways but legal. And really, I don't want to have a big ceremony for anybody else except ourselves. And we'd really rather have fun, and blow five hundred bucks on junk food and Vegas shows, than on a wedding gown I'd wear ONCE.

So, fuck this big fancy wedding crap. All it does is make people angry at each other -- people who really aren't even involved.

I've got to go get ready now.

Blah.

~Helena*