Aaron: "There's a dead bird outside your house!"
Helena: "Ew."
Aaron: "Yeah, ew!"
Helena: "Probably one of the cats got it. This street is full of cats."
Aaron: "No, it didn't have any blood on it or anything."
He leads me over to the dead bird, a humongous mutant pigeon, lying stiffly on the pavement, no apparent cause of death.
Helena: "I dare you to touch it."
Aaron: "Dude, no!!! It's probably got West Nile virus!"
Helena: "Then you HAVE to roll it over and touch it! We have to see if it has any blood on it, or if it just died there of West Nile!"
Aaron: "Ew, you do it."
So I found a stick and poked at the dead bird, sucessfully rolling it over. It appeared to be in pretty good shape, other than the obvious trouble of it being DEAD.
Helena: "Yep. It's West Nile Virus all right. Gross. This sucks."
Aaron: "Yeah, especially since a big fat mosquito bit me last night on this street."
Helena: "Dude! I'm FULL of mosquito bites! I hope we don't have West Nile Virus!"
Aaron: "I have a headache."
Helena: "A severe headache?"
Aaron: "Probably encephalitis from getting West Nile."
Helena: "Now what do we do?"
Aaron: "Let's take the bird to the State Office Building and have them test it for West Nile! I have to go there anyway to get an absentee voting ballot!"
Helena: "Great! 'Um, yeah, hi... I'd like to register to vote in absentia, and by the way, I brought you guys a DEAD BIRD.'"
Aaron: "Yeah!"
Helena: "Wow, poor birdie. Let's say a prayer."
Aaron: "Lord, rest this bird's soul."
Helena: "Lord... uh... be good to this birdie. Amen."
Aaron: "Amen."
Helena: "Let's take it to the health department."
Aaron: "To the FREE CLINIC? We're not having it tested for chlamydia!"
Helena: "Yeah, but where ELSE would take it?"
Aaron: "Oh yeah! Um... okay! Yeah, and besides, it's the law that you have to report dead birds! In case they have West Nile virus."
We debate for a minute or two about HOW to get the dead pigeon to the health department. Finally, we obtain a shoebox from my room, scrape up the corpse from the pavement with a snow shovel, and hoist the poor creature and its cardboard coffin into Aaron's trunk.
Ew.
Aaron, spotting a security guard at the front desk of the health department, announces, "We found a dead bird! We brought it here because it has West Nile Virus! We're doing our civic duty!"
Security guard: "A dead bird?"
Aaron: "Yeah, here!"
He attempts to hand the shoebox to the security guard, who almost takes it, then realizes what, exactly, he's being handed.
Security guard: "Uh... maybe you'd better take it to Environmental Health, down the hall."
The people in Environmental Health, down the hall, were slightly less than helpful.
Aaron: "Um, we have a dead bird!"
Helena: "It has West Nile virus!"
Aaron: "We brought it here because it's our civic duty."
Helena: "It's the law."
Environmental Health guy: "Oh... Well, is it a crow?"
Aaron: "No, it's a pigeon."
Environmental Health guy: "Oh. Well, we're only taking crows right now, because crows are most susceptible to West Nile Virus. We're only shipping out crows right now. But we'll take your pigeon and chuck it."
Helena: "CHUCK it?"
Aaron: "Okay!"
Helena: "Have you no honor for a once-living being? One of the Lord Almighty's creatures?"
Environmental Health guy: "So you don't have to chuck it yourself!"
Helena: "Oh. Does it really have West Nile Virus?"
Environmental Health guy: "Nah, probably not."
Helena: "Because, you know, I have a lot of mosquito bites, so I was just wondering if maybe I have it now..."
Environmental Health guy: "Nah. Pigeons aren't all that susceptible. That's why we're only having crows tested. We're not all that interested in other birds, unless it's something really unusual."
Aaron: "Like a toucan?"
Environmental Health guy: "Yeah, like a toucan."
We leave the health department, making rude comments about the free clinic.
Helena: "Do you think they pick the feathers out of those birds and make little hats with the feathers before they test them for West Nile Virus?"
Aaron: "Yeah, probably."
Helena: "I'm sad. I named that bird. I named it Norma. I always used to want a pet pigeon named Norma."
Aaron: "Norma?"
Helena: "Yeah, Norma. Let's say another prayer. God rest Norma's soul. Amen."
Aaron: "Amen."
AMEN.