I have been having some very disturbing dreams lately. I talked about them a little bit last night with Corrine, but then had the same dream all over again.
A friend of mine, from real life, comes up to me, and tells me she's cheating on her significant other. She introduces me to this person so absolutely unsuitable for her that it is comical. He's a biker-guy, looks kind of like Meatloaf, only blonde. She says they were together in high school, but I've never seen him before. She says she couldn't be happier than when she's with him. And so I ask her, "so you're having an affair with this guy?" Joyfully, she nods. Bewildered and unhappy, I leave, unable to watch my giddy friend and her secret boyfriend.
I go outside, and there's my friend's significant other. I have no idea what to say to him, knowing that his partner is just a few steps away, hanging off the arm of Meatloaf-man. So I say, "Come on, let's go get some coffee..."
We get into his car. He drives to Lost Dog Café. We sit by the wall and he orders a Jason's Racehorse: four shots of espresso. I don't know why this part of the dream is so clear, but it's been consistently the same. I try to keep conversation moving, but I can't really think of what to say. He's being cheated on and I'm the only one who knows.
He says, "why don't you come over to my house?" And I'm suddenly very nervous and things don't quite feel right. Then we're at his house, which is big and spacious and has a backyard with a large birdfeeder in it. It looks like Alex's house. There are photos all over. We're sitting on his couch and he tells me he thinks I'm beautiful. I don't know what to say. He's WITH someone; he's with my friend...
And then he's kissing me... And I'm kissing him back. He tastes like Bailey's. He's telling me he loves me and I remain silent. I feel so, so, so wrong, but I don't stop...
And then I wake up...
I remember when I was 11 or 12, my mom gave me this book about sex. There was this one part about, oh, wet dreams or something... It was a question-and-answer book, and one of the questions was, "what if I have a sexy dream about someone?" Part of the answer was something to the effect of, "Sometimes, a boy or girl may have sexy dreams about things they wouldn't feel right about in real life, such as kissing or touching a teacher or a person of the same sex. This doesn't mean you are a bad person or a homo or whatever, blah, blah..." I wish I had that book now, even if it was "A Pre-teen's Guide to Sex and Puberty," or whatever. I need reassurance that this was just a dream.
I need this dream to go away. I care very deeply about these people. Every time I see this guy in real life, something clicks in me... And the most frightening part is that I think something clicks in him, too, and absolutely NOTHING about that is okay.
I can't write any more about this, because if I say any more... I just can't say anything more.
Sometimes I scare myself.
Love,
~Helena*
"Is it any wonder I can't sleep...?" --Smashing Pumpkins, "Eye."