01 August 2001 ~ Irreconcilable differences...

Dear Norman...

So.... Yeah...

Bloody hell, I can't write this shit...

How do you tell somebody you're just not happy with them anymore?

How do you say, "My heart just isn't in it and hasn't been for an awfully long time," and have that mean something? How do you say, "we can't fix this."

Or can we fix it? And why would we want to at this point?

There's this anger building up, this sort of bitterness, and I don't know how to let it out. I don't want to argue, I don't want to say, "this and this and this are wrong..." What's wrong is that there's just really no love anymore, and that I'm feeling slightly used. More than slightly. After all, if you're with somebody who's just not into the romance anymore, and who is going WAY out of her way to try to show it without being a superbitch, and you still don't get it, you're really not paying much attention.

I have this nagging feeling that if I say to Norman, "it's over... it's totally over... it's been over for months now... I love and respect you as a great friend, a great artist, and a fellow human being, but that's it," that maybe Norman will just sort of ditch me completely, having no further use for me. I get the nagging feeling that maybe he'll feel like proving some point to me... I feel like if I say ANY of this out loud, he's going to get really defensive and put all sorts of blame on all sorts of things, and I'm going to feel bad out of obligation, which will just piss me off more, and we'll end up hating each other. Isn't that how relationships always go?

But something REALLY needs to happen. This is what I think they call "irreconcilable differences," and I'd rather just have everything out on the damned table so we can move on with everything.

Oh, and just one more thought... Do ALL people turn weird and defensive and possessive when I move in with them? Does everybody just turn a little psychotic when they're living with me? Am I this little black raincloud that brings out lots of little nasty traits in people?

Just wondering...

~Helena*