As of yesterday, July 1st, my wonderful friend Aaron is 21 years old. So this paragraph is a shout-out to Aaron, who attracts trouble like shit attracts flies, and who handles said trouble with the grace and dignity of somebody far older and wiser than 21, and generally with a lot more patience than I would have in his shoes. Good luck, Aaron; I love you and I hope you're not TOO hung over in the morning...
I got new CD's today... I traded in some old ones (it REALLY was time to let go of Liza... REALLY, it was...) to get Dido (YES, the chick from the Eminem album, but don't judge her by that...), and Radiohead, and Brother's Keeper. The Brother's Keeper one is to prove a point -- I haven't even heard it yet... I'll explain some other time...
I was walking home through the park tonight, listening to Radiohead, and I had... a revelation? Well, no, not really a revelation, but... You know that feeling you get when the entire world is sitting someplace in your stomach and kind of simultaneously filling you with energy and giving you indigestion? THAT feeling. Maybe it was Radiohead; they're not the happiest band in the world to listen to, especially not when you're walking home four miles at night after a 10-hour shift. But suddenly, I felt like crying. Only I was too tired.
I decided something in the park tonight. I've been thinking a lot about things today, ever since I woke up from a VERY vivid dream about an angel and a strawberry (don't ask -- I don't know what it was about either). I thought a lot as I was at work, feeling more like a babysitter than a sales clerk. Oh yes, Susan put her two week notice in and has since left me with three males very similar in age to myself, all three of whom act like they need constant supervision by a halfway-sane female. So I thought a lot today. About a lot of things.
And in the park, it all kind of came together; I don't know what the strawberry and the angel were all about, but I do know one thing for sure... I have decided to change my life. It's not actually in a state of disrepair or unhappiness, but I need a change. A MAJOR change.
Major changes don't happen overnight. So I'm going to find some way of gaining lots and lots of money -- or at very least, a way to save SOME money, instead of none. And then, when I'm happy with my financial situation, and generally stable, I'm going to change things somehow, so that I'm not just STABLE, but stable and HAPPY -- not just HAPPY, but VERY HAPPY. I've been in the same rut for too long, and while it's an interesting rut, it's not the best rut I could be in.
I'm going to change my life. Maybe not for awhile, but it will happen. Gradually, maybe, but it will happen. Not for a few months, maybe, but it WILL happen
And right now, at 12.54 AM on July 2nd, I'm going to get some ice cream and go to bed.
Love,
~Helena*
"I'd settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need..." --an R.E.M. quote that Jammie just IM'ed me with...