26 June 2003

Sick again... Sick STILL...

They tested my thyroid, and gave me a CBC. Both came back perfectly normal.

But I have been too sick to eat. For THREE DAYS.

I am tired ALL the time, but I can't sleep.

My stomach hurts, my intestines hurt, I'm too weak (probably from lack of food) to stand up in the shower for the time it would require to get clean. I have the worst B.O. ever, and my hair is an oil slick. My fingernails have these weird vertical ridges on them; according to some website I visited, that's a sign of malabsorption of nutrients. In other words, I'm wasting away. I'm constipated, I keep burping these big, violent belches... I feel too nauseous to talk sometimes...

So it isn't a thyroid problem, and it isn't PMS -- they started me on the pill, and all THAT'S done is make me slightly bitchy, and give me gross acne. It isn't mononucleosis, or leukemia, or anemia, or HIV, or a bad viral infection... And DAMMIT, it's not "depression." I'm not fucking SAD. Who the hell stops absorbing nutrients because they're "depressed"? Who gets diarrhea one day, and constipation for the next three or four, because they're "depressed"? The thing is, these people, these doctors and nurses and even receptionists, don't give a shit if I live or die. They don't know me, they don't care about me... If I sit in a chair, moaning and losing pound after pound from being unable to eat, it doesn't affect them a bit. Why SHOULD they take time out of their busy days to diagnose me correctly? After all, I've only been sick for four months...

I'm having difficulty concentrating; I can barely read anymore, because it's just too much of an effort. Sitting here at this computer is an effort.

I wrote a letter to Jake last night, thanking him for putting up with me, for believing that I'm actually sick, for respecting my complete inability to make love or go out and have fun. I often wonder what I did to deserve such a wonderful partner. Who the hell else would put up with me, complaining endlessly about invisible "symptoms," and moping about, not wanting to do anything...

I'm going to get some tea, and retire for awhile. I have another doctor's appointment this afternoon. Hopefully, they'll be able to do something this time...

Please, please, please, please... I'm about to go crazy and cap myself if somebody doesn't help me to get fucking better...

~Helena*