24 June 2000 ~ Meeting another band-guy, Depeche-Mode-inspired desire, and Someday My Prince Will Cum...

I am SUCH a dork...

Remember when I was like, totally, 100% obsessed with meeting a band? So I made this big point out of going to see Yolk, which is probably the most well-known local band, and kinda talked to the one guy, and so I was just thrilled with myself?

Yeah. I'm a dork.

On the bus to Binghamton from New York City yesterday, I happened to see a beautiful stranger with black hair and very, very blue eyes... He was also sort of freaky-looking: not like, "ew, you freak, get away from me," but, as the bumper sticker says, "touch me, I'm a freak." I was hooked right away.

"How far you going?" I asked him.

"Buffalo," he replied. "Then I'm getting picked up and going to Erie... My band is um... we're cutting a demo... I'm in a band..." He kind of dismissed it, but I wasn't willing to let go that easily...

"Yeah? What band?"

"You probably haven't heard of it... It's called Brother's Keeper? We're, you know, sorta... punk, kinda... There's a Christian band called that too, but we're not them."

Well, I'll be damned if I didn't tell the guys at work about meeting "this really sweet freaky guy in a band!" and both of them flipped out and were like, "You met Mike from BROTHER'S KEEPER???" Yep! I met a guy from a band that LOTS of people have heard of! As a matter of fact, even TransWorld Entertainment, from which comes my beloved Record Town, has heard of them, and I ordered their CDs today to see if they're any good, or if they just have a MAD hot guy in the band... Whatever... I like some punk music, and I'll bet you anything my co-workers will be delighted to hear me requesting to listen to something other than Filter or Portishead. Besides, I MET THAT DUDE!!!

Heh. Seriously, he was pretty cool. Very easy to talk to, although I think I convinced him I'm a total weirdo, because I'd had a few sips of Coke and couldn't shut the hell up, and told him, like, 99% of my life story, only skipping over the really graphic sex parts... Oh well.

"But did you TOUCH him?"
"Yes! Of course I did! He's in a BAND and had pretty eyes, of COURSE I touched him!"
--Jayden and I discussing the important things in life

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I'm playing with Napster a bit tonight. I'm kind of lonely this evening. So I'm making another mix-CD in my head (seeing as I don't yet have a CD-burner and it doesn't look as though my near future is holding one aside for me...), and downloading crap like crazy for such time as I may have a CD-burner with which to make mix-CD's...

***********

"...All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, is here, in my arms..."

This is such a beautiful song... I know, it's like, a Depeche Mode cliché by now, but I still think it's beautiful.

I don't know what I want, or what I need.

Actually, I take that back... I know MANY things that I want. And none of them mesh with each other quite right...

I want to take on like, 60 hours of work a week so that I can afford to pay off all my stupid bills and save up some money and redecorate my house so that the kitchen isn't yellow and the carpets are light grey instead of blue. I want to buy a grill. And have big dinners with lots of fancy stuff I made myself. I want more counter space.

I want to move the hell out of this town, leaving absolutely everything behind. Except my bookbag, my computer, and my notebooks.

I want to find Peter and apologize for skipping out on movie night the other night, and promise to let him pick the next movies we get, and I'll even pay for them myself. I also kind of want to get really pissed off and blow up at Peter for getting so pissed at ME the other day and giving at least one person some misconceptions about the intentions of my trip to North Carolina.

I want to cry.

I want not to be sad.

I want a CD-burner.

I want a drink. Orange juice would be fine. Orange-juice-plus would be better. I want not to drink or smoke or do the Frappuccino thing for awhile, get myself used to not depending on chemicals to get me through life...

I want a hug. I don't know who I want a hug from. I have a few ideas, but it doesn't really matter because I'm alone here anyway...

"All I ever wanted,
All I ever needed,
Is here, in my arms..."

Nobody is here in my arms. It's just me and Depeche Mode. They're going on my mix-CD. Next to Duran Duran and Jocelyn Montgomery. Don't ask.

I want a pet llama. And a cute boy from a band.

Actually, upon first spotting the cute punk boy from the band the other day, I mentally promised him to my boss Susan, who would have been drooling all over herself. But then I decided he had beautiful eyes, so he was all mine.

I don't want a cute boy from a band. To hell with cute boys from bands. To hell with stupid clichés. To hell with crushes, and waiting, and dating, and looking, and eye-catchings, and wondering if I'm good enough for some stupid blonde asshole in a club who happened to glance my way, or some stupid kid in my store bearing a handful of love poetry. To hell with "trying to make things work" and quiet little resentments and ridiculous bouts of jealousy. To hell with PUTTING UP with stupid bouts of jealousy when I don't CARE about random kisses, and cute boys in bands ANYWAY. To hell with trying to be beautiful when all I want is to be my damn self. To hell with "Someday My Prince Will Cum," or whatever. To hell with everything. I want to go home. If you can find where that is, send me a postcard with the address.

To hell with not having my arms around all I ever wanted and all I ever needed.

"Words are very unnecessary... They can only do harm..."

I'm going to bed.

~Helena*

PS -- "Someday my prince will cum?" Where the fuck do I come up with this shit?

"Where's the fucking cheese on my fucking cheese fries?" --Tori Spelling in "Trick."