The word "anxiety," which comes from a Latin word meaning to "choke" or to "torment," has some very weird implications.
That is, when you're anxious, it's almost always about something that doesn't exist.
For example, people who are afraid of heights start feeling anxious when they're standing on a very high bridge. They feel "tormented" and "choked." But what's there to be frightened of? You're not falling, after all. You're not REALLY in danger of dying. If the bridge were rocking unsteadily in an earthquake, you wouldn't feel "anxiety," you'd feel "fear." The difference between fear and anxiety is that the object of fear is REAL.
(An interesting note: when people feel fearful about the future, that's anxiety too, because, at least according to some, the future doesn't ever really exist. But that's just an aside...)
I went to the Thurston County Health Department yesterday morning. This was mostly because nobody else would see me. The campus health center said, "it's just depression," and refused to make me an appointment. My alleged "primary care provider," whom I think my mom's insurance company picked for me, does not speak English, and therefore, for obvious reasons, does not return my calls. Other people say they don't take my insurance.
The health department is not exactly what I'd call reliable. But neither are any health practitioners, really. And why should they care, really? They don't give a shit whether you get better or not; they make their money either way. Hell, they make MORE money if you don't get better, because you keep coming back.
But I needed somebody... I can't handle this by myself anymore...
I have the following symptoms, I wrote in a notebook... And then I wrote them all out.
I'm tired, I have no appetite, I'm nauseous. I can't concentrate worth shit anymore. Sometimes I have problems remembering things I really should remember. Sometimes I lose myself in the middle of a sentence. Sometimes I don't remember what people look like, or what their names are: something I used to be very, very good at. Sometimes my heart starts racing for no good reason, and I break out into a clammy sweat. My periods are heavier than they've ever been. Sometimes I'm so exhausted I can't even concentrate on a TV show. I feel sluggish and stoned.
Sometimes I have anxiety.
Okay, a LOT of the time, I have anxiety.
I think anxiety is sort of justified when you have no way of knowing how you'll feel in the morning. Or in ten minutes. Or in five years. When you have no way of knowing if you're dying, or if you're just not feeling good.
One day, I was sitting with a guy, talking to him about an essay. And I felt as if something was erupting in my head. It felt as though my eyes actually bulged out for a second. And I had to cut the session short. I went to sit on a couch. I felt so tired... But I was still so awake... My thoughts raced, my heart raced, I got sweaty... But I felt as though all the energy in my body had drained into the floor. Worst of all, it had happened almost at once. I went home early that day. I was afraid I was going crazy. I lay in bed for two days. Mr. Jensen said it was probably a sinus infection or something. So I felt a little bit better. But still not much.
Anxiety comes from the Latin word for "choked."
Yesterday, the nurse squeezed my throat to check my thyroid. And I'll be damned, but I started feeling horrible, just as she was squeezing. She wasn't squeezing hard, of course, just lightly. But a feeling went through me like a flood. Like adrenaline. Like something thin and watery was filling me with something bad.
She's just a nurse though; she's not, as she said, a diagnostician. I said: "I think it's my hormones. Or it could be my thyroid. Or it could be anemia or something, but I don't think it's that."
And I'll be damned, she took me seriously! She gave me birth control pills (three months' worth, for free!) to regulate my hormones. And she sent me to a lab across the street to have blood drawn to check for anemia and thyroid dysfunction. Just in case, she said. I thanked her profusely. I told her I just want to feel better. She said she hopes I do. They'll call me with my test results by Friday.
This is stupid, but I hope they find something. I'm tired of wondering. It sort of makes me feel like I'm choking...
~Helena*