18 June 2001 ~ Reckoning...

Helena Thomas, what the hell are you doing with your life?

Where are you trying to go? What makes a difference to you? WHY does it make a difference to you? What in the hell are your motivations?

Who the hell are you? Where do you end and where do other people begin? How EVER will you make yourself more YOU without subconsciously taking on other people's characteristics? How will you become stronger and happier without ending up alone and scared and maybe a little bitter?

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I went to The Spot last night in a taxi. I was feeling incredibly lonely; Brian had boarded his plane, Norman was in a rather spaced-out mood (which usually comes off as pretty cold and heartless unless you know better), and Sundays in Binghamton, NY are just so quiet and sad...

So I went to The Spot. I wanted a friend, and Aaron was working, and that was well worth the $6.50 cab ride.

So I had some orange juice, and I had some coffee, and Aaron bought me wings, and grinned at me and made some crude comments about horseback-riding and buying a map, which did something to pick up my spirits.

...And then I walked home.

The highway between my apartment and The Spot is a long, amazing walk. Lots of open space, lots of cars, wide shoulders, and a lot of weird smells. It's very anonymous; every time I've walked it, I've always sort of half-pretended I was running away, walking off into the sunset, so to speak, just disappearing...

I watched Venus rising in the southeastern sky. I think it was Venus. It was red and it was bright and it was huge. I thought if I was feeling a little more awake, I could follow it. But then, who the hell knows where Venus ends up when it sets. Someplace out west, I guess. I did a quick calculation and decided Venus would probably end up on the other coast before I could, with my torn-up sandals, my heavy bookbag and my weary post-mono health.

I'd at least thought to bring my discman with me, and Björk's "Homogenic" CD. Sometimes, it's good to walk in silence; meditate, contemplate, experience... But last night, I decided I didn't really want to think very much.

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I've had to reboot this computer like three times in the past half hour, so I'm going to cut this short here and go downtown for some coffee before I'm tempted to borrow a sledgehammer from one of my neighbors...

~Helena*