12 June 2001

If I stayed in fucking bed one more minute, I was going to scream.

So I went to a birthday party. I had a screwdriver. (Somehow, I don't have ANY idea how, some neat vanilla stuff got in it... Maybe the bartender was trying to seduce me. It would have worked if she was.) Then I got hooked on the Outside World again, and took a little trip downtown to run errands. I needed alcohol in my fridge. I needed groceries in my cupboards. I needed a pizza tray. I don't know what I needed a pizza tray, but dammit, I needed a pizza tray, and I intend to do wonderful things with that pizza tray. I needed coffee. I needed sunshine.

This "get lots of rest and drink lots of fluids" bit is bullshit. Loads and loads of bullshit. If one stays in one place, getting lots of rest and drinking lots of fluids, one loses one's will to live. Human beings need more than fluids and rest, so far as I can tell. Human beings, most especially sick ones, need:

*air
*sunlight
*human contact
*pizza trays

Am feeling a little bit better, although I know I'm pushing my luck. I went to the post office today -- made a little vacation of it -- and mailed some correspondence I've been neglecting. It's amazing, the things I've taken for granted: the post office people, for instance. Those people are great. I've missed them.

Did a little bit of reading up on mononucleosis yesterday, and discovered a few unsettling things...

"A peculiar "Alice in Wonderland Syndrome" has been reported by some patients with infectious mono. Here, the individual with mono reports that objects look distorted in size, in much the way Alice experienced."

Weird, enh? At least I'm not going completely nuts. There is NO way I would ever tell anybody "gee, stuff looks WEIRD," and expect them to understand, but I DO happen to know that when one is extremely tired, one's senses begin to do strange things. One's mind begins to wander, and it's impossible to reclaim it from its travels. This is not just a mono thing, either. It has something to do with exhaustion. I remember one time when the kids at Kenny's House O' Decadence kept me awake for roughly three days, and I had this sensation of objects having strange textures and sizes... They weren't as tangible as usual. I had to squeeze things, like tables, and napkins, and pillows, to make sure they were really, truly, honestly THERE. I remember infinite hours spent on Greyhound busses, sleeping for an hour, being woken up for four hours, sleeping for an hour, being woken up for two hours, and so on for two and a half days... That time, I recall feeling very much like I was in a dream. Silly little thoughts kept occurring to me -- things about llamas and lesbian magazines and tequila and weaponry. The best part of THAT was that I wrote all of these silly thoughts down, which made for a hilarious read -- later, after I'd slept...

The "Alice in Wonderland Syndrome," as this website inaccurately describes it, is fading a lot, and I'm not sleeping as much, so I think I must be getting better...

Another unsettling bit of information:

"Studies suggest that most people are infected with [Epstein-Barr virus, the cause of mononucleosis] at some point, and the majority have few or no symptoms. The virus persists in the white blood cells known as "B" cells in a latent form; it is still there but is not actively producing any infection with symptoms. This state is believed to last for life."

So I'm going to have this virus for the rest of my life. Someplace else, I read that Epstein-Barr virus is a form of the herpes virus, which is just creepy because who wants to say, "I'm infected with a variation of herpes"? I mean, there aren't any gross sores on my "intimate" areas or anything, but still... herpes is just a gross word, period. It's also gross to know I'm going to be infected for life with this shit, even if it's dormant.

I'm bored.

My friend Brian is coming to visit me this week. He's due to arrive tomorrow or the next day, depending on flight schedules and such. I can't wait. I've decided to try impressing him with my extensive collections of David Lynch videos and coffee. I know, I know, not exactly original, but I recall Brian rather enjoying "Wild At Heart" a few years ago... Whatever. Who cares. I'm just excited that somebody's coming to VISIT me! And not just to use my phone, my bathroom, or the Pot Porch! I haven't had a REAL visitor in probably four years... Besides, Brian's so neat! Whee!

I'm bored.

I'm going to go do something productive. Like drink lots of fluids and rest. Gr.

~Helena*