09 June 2004

I had a "date" yesterday...

It wasn't really a "date"-date, exactly... It's hard to think of something as a date when it consists of spending a couple of hours hanging out with somebody you've hung out with on a zillion occasions. But I called it a date anyway. Because I can.

* * * * * * * * * * *

My life has never been lacking as far as interesting events or people. And, having gotten the "Easily Amused" gene from my mom's side of the family, I have rarely failed to find the fun in any given situation. Even still, I've always led a pretty colorful existence. See also: Wet Cleanup in the Produce Section.

...And really, a lot of bad shit has happened to me at various times. And I've done some whining -- more than I'm proud of, actually. But in general, I'm pretty happy with my life so far. I don't have too many regrets. Maybe a few. Okay, these are my regrets:

I never should have moved in with Peter. I never should have gotten as depressed as I have over not having any money. I should have spent more time trying to hitch-hike. I should have been FAR less matter-of-fact when speaking to individuals who honest-to-gahd believed they could talk to dragons... I shouldn't have gotten as trashed as I did at Meg's anti-Valentine's Day party... I shouldn't have agreed to support Jake's ass so that he could work on "creative projects" all day long (see also: Civilization, Star Wars Rebellion, etc). I shouldn't have cheated on Norman. I should have learned self-defense a long, long time ago, so that I could have kicked the ever-loving shit out of the several people in this world who have fucked with me. I shouldn't have eaten the damned cookie... I should have yelled at people more often, and written fewer angry letters. I should never have listened to a math teacher tell me what I could and could not do. I probably shouldn't have slept with any virgins -- that was just a dumb idea. I should have remembered to change the batteries in my tape recorder more often. I shouldn't have gone swimming the day after I got my tattoo. I should have learned -- much more easily than I did -- that one can never fully trust a drunk drag queen. I should have taken more busses when I lived in the Southwest. I should have seen Utah and Alabama and Louisiana by now, so that I could work on seeing the really important stuff, like Wyoming. I shouldn't have gotten trashed anywhere near Brian, and I really shouldn't have said most of the things I said to him while trashed. I should have worked harder on being less neurotic about stupid crap, and being more neurotic about important crap. I should have tried the fucking sun-dried tomato paste at Lost Dog long before I did -- it doesn't taste like tomatoes. I should have yelled at the kid who "dumped" me two years ago even though we weren't dating and I didn't even WANT to date him. I shouldn't have wasted so much time watching shitty TV. I never should have moved into Jake's parents' house. I should have spent WAY more time with Aaron, and I should have insisted on vandalizing more things than we actually did. I shouldn't have chickened out about going to Tempe... I should have gone to Tempe... I really, really, really should have gone to Tempe... There was no reason why I shouldn't have gone to Tempe... I should never have heard the words "internet boyfriend" come out of my mouth in anything other than a disparaging manner. I shouldn't have rolled down the car window in Gary, Indiana. I should have been able to forget the thing about the carrots in Santa Fe, because it still grosses me out... I should have learned stick shift. I should have sent more letters than I have sent. And more emails. I should have found constructive things to do instead of bitching and whining. I should have read "Still Life With Woodpecker" when I was twelve and Angela handed me her copy. I should never have let the Binghamton Police into my house, EVER. And I should have had the guts to tell David that I took care of the lawyer thing... I guess I should have studied before the SATs, but I don't exactly have regrets in that department...

...And I think that's pretty much it.

Other than that, I've had a pretty good run. I've always had a lot to be happy about. I like my life. Even the fucked up stuff and the mistakes have been okay most of the time.

Yesterday, I was watching some stupid-assed movie, and this woman claimed that "every girl's worst nightmare" is finding out you're pregnant while you're still in college and unmarried. I figure, if that's every girl's worst nightmare (is it?), and I'm still doing fine, then I must have a fucking fantastic life...

Yeah, I really do. My life is fucking GREAT.

* * * * * * * * * * *

But the thing is... something's been missing.

And I've been noticing it for a long time, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I thought maybe I wasn't writing enough -- working really intently on that always makes me feel completely alive. I thought maybe I wasn't going to enough exotic places and stuff, but that wasn't it, because I was depressed halfway to Aberdeen when Jürgen and I were gonna drive around the Olympic Penninsula. I thought maybe I should join something, make some friends, be on the chess club or something -- but I joined the school paper and went insane trying to balance all my friends and commitments and stuff, and it was a lot less fun than it looked.

And one day, I think I sort of hit on it... I wasn't praying anymore. I wasn't casting little spells here and there anymore. I wasn't talking to the moon anymore. There was just some kind of private magic that was missing.

* * * * * * * * * * *

But it isn't anymore...

* * * * * * * * * * *

Neil told me once that magic was real, and so I believed him. Later, when he was gone, I thought maybe I believed him because I was gullible. But now I think I believed him because it IS real. And I know that because every time I'm near him, every time I think about him, every time I get an email from him, I can feel it.

...It's not just a matter of being in love. I have been in love before. It wasn't like this. If love were a body of water, this would be an ocean full of porpoises, and multi-colored fish, and jellyfish that glow in the dark. If love were a sky, this would be a fiery sunset with lots of stars on a warm night in a field full of lightning bugs. If love were a fire, this would be a galaxy full of massive suns smashing into each other.

This is magic. This is what has been missing. Not just Neil, but the feeling he's always given me that the world is a fantastic, exciting place that's full of sparkles if you have the right eyes to see them.

I said yesterday: "You have magic eyes." Neil looked like he might have blushed, but it was hard to tell in the sunlight. It didn't matter if he knew exactly what I was talking about, although I suspect he might have had more than an inkling. I kissed him and the whole world was full of sparkles, and everything was somehow just right.

* * * * * * * * * * *

...And we got to have coffee together...

I swear, there is almost nothing as familiar and comforting as watching Neil soak his sugar in coffee. It's like being home. It's like the antithesis of that sort of sad feeling you get when you're on a bus full of strangers and you don't know quite where you are... Coffee with Neil is like a hot fireplace and a cup of cocoa when you've been trudging through two feet of snow for four hours. Through a number of my darkest times, coffee with Neil was my favorite refuge. I took it for granted far too many times.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I should have gone to Tempe... It's not that my life hasn't been fun, but somehow, it seems like so much time has been wasted... Seems like I've just been fumbling around, having forgotten all about things like jellyfish that glow in the dark...

I didn't go to Tempe when Neil called me and asked me to come... I stayed in my room and smoked Camel cigarettes and stared out the window. I was afraid of what would happen if I saw him. I was scared I would never leave. I was afraid that I would remember that magic is real, and then I couldn't ever go back to my nice little existence with my cigarettes and my window and my homework and my job...

The thing about Tempe has been eating me up for almost six years. I didn't go. I should have gone. I should have explained: I love you... We should have had coffee and I should have kissed him and told him he had magic eyes. I didn't do those things. Somehow, the higher powers have seen fit to give me a chance to fix my chickenshit error. This time, I won't fuck up.

~Helena*