03 June 2000 ~ I just called to say...

I was going to write an entry about jealousy and things. So I made the font color green.

But something awful happened tonight to a friend of a friend, and now I can't concentrate on anything. The situation has almost nothing to do with me except that I love my friend and don't want to see him hurt... But all I can think is of one night about four years ago...

...when I stayed up until 5 in the morning because I had to talk to Peter... I hadn't talked to him in a week or two. I knew he worked late, and I thought maybe he got out of work at 1 or 1.30 in the morning, and then he'd have to walk home a few blocks... I couldn't remember quite how many blocks -- he lived in Cortland, NY at the time, and I lived in Binghamton, which was 45 miles away. So I called at 1. No answer. I called at 1.30. No answer. I called at 2. No answer. I kept calling every half an hour until he finally picked up the phone at a little after 4 in the morning, having just gotten in from work.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "What's going on? Is everything okay?" I guess when your phone rings at 4.30 in the morning, you've got to assume SOMETHING is wrong. Either that or one of your friends is really, really trashed.

"Nothing," I said.

"Are you okay? How come you're calling this late?"

And then I didn't have any answer. I'd just been worried, I guess. But it wasn't quite worry, because I knew Peter was okay. It wasn't quite nervousness about his whereabouts or what he was doing or whom he was seeing -- I was pretty sure he was at work doing Taco Bell things. It was just...

I'd just wanted to hear his voice. That was it. And I wanted to tell him I loved him. That was it.

And I keep thinking about that now... About what I'd do if anything ever happened to Peter. I can't imagine my life without him. I can't imagine losing him for good. I don't really think the world would keep spinning; I think it would just stop.

Five years ago, pre-protease-cocktail, Peter told me he'd been diagnosed with HIV. Well, everything turned out okay; his next one, and the next one after that came back clean and fresh and smelling like spring breezes. But in the interim, I spent an unwelcome amount of time wondering what I'd do without my best friend. I could never quite imagine it fully; I had nightmares about hospitals and medicines and tubes and wires and things, even ones in which I sat beside him holding his hand, but I don't have any idea what the hell I'd do if I really had to face anything like that.

"I love you, don't ever die, please don't ever, ever, ever die... You're beautiful, please live forever..." --journal entry, June, 1995.

Something awful happened tonight to a friend of a friend, something that made me think about all of these things that happened such a long time ago... I said, "I'm sorry... I know it has almost nothing to do with me, but I can't imagine... I hope everything is okay..." I've hardly been friends with the person this all happened to, but I'm going to pray for her anyway. I know what it is to love somebody. I know what it is to cherish somebody. And I know what it is to sit by the phone waiting...

I called Peter's house about half an hour ago. I just wanted to hear his voice. He doesn't have a phone in his new place. I got an operator telling me how stupid I am to have dialed a disconnected number, duh, duh, duh. All I want in the world is to hear his voice. If I have to stay up all night calling every ten minutes to a disconnected number; if I have to walk across town and show up on his doorstep at 3 in the morning, I may just do it. I just want to hear his voice.

(I love you... Don't ever, ever leave this world... Don't even come close... Please just know how much I love you and know all the reasons why and treat yourself accordingly... Don't ever die... Please don't ever die... Don't ever even think it...)

~H.T.

"The crowd roars... the days soar... the babies cry... without you. The moon glows... the river flows... but I die... without you..." --"Rent"