31 May 2001 ~ Ms. Yuck...

You know those "Mister Yuck" stickers that parents put on poisonous substances beneath their sink to let their young children know that Drano is not as yummy as the name implies?

You know, the little round green stickers with the little face sticking out his tongue in disgust?

I feel like a Mister Yuck sticker.

I'm getting really scared. I just haven't felt like myself in weeks now... I haven't been able to eat much, my blood pressure is extremely low, I'm pale, I'm losing more weight, I'm constantly tired, and the only things I've been able to consume on a regular basis without being sick are ginger ale and spearmint gum. The biggest meal I've had in two weeks was a Grand Slam Breakfast the other night at Denny's with Aaron: two pancakes, some bacon, and the yolks of some poached eggs.

I have strange body aches all over. Weird little twinges in my abdomen. Pain... excrutiating pain...

I can't sleep because I'm hungry. I can't stay awake because I have no energy. But I can't eat because my stomach hurts. I'm tired all the time. I keep having little nosebleeds. My mind is losing its focus completely. I have trouble reading the newspaper. I have trouble holding a conversation. I have trouble sending emails. I have trouble sometimes getting up and sitting at the computer. Sometimes I think I'm having trouble just being alive. Believe me, work is not a picnic.

And the strangest part of all of this? I've been faking perfect health, and nobody even KNOWS I don't feel good. I feel like I'm fucking dying, and my friends want to go out and have drinks with me. I say, "Gee, I'm kind of tired..." They say, "Oh, okay, maybe tomorrow." How can I feel so horrible and still be ALIVE? How come parts of my face aren't falling off in chunks? How come people aren't afraid of LOOKING at me? I can't even get up to go to the bathroom sometimes without pain, and people think I can fucking function? I still look healthy enough to FUNCTION?

I'm very, very afraid. What if I have an ulcer? What if I have cancer? What if... what if I have MONO? If I have mono and get put on bedrest for a month, I'll lose my job and my apartment... I'll be homeless. I am absolutely terrified.

Four years ago, I was diagnosed with something called gastritis: an inflammation of the stomach lining. My doctor gave me some pills, which I took faithfully for ten days, and I started to feel better immediately. But now? Now, I've been taking those same little fuckers every day, twice a day, and I'm not feeling ANY better. I just seem to be getting worse, and there's nothing I can freaking do about it... I'm scared and I want to cry, but it's not like that's going to do anybody any good...

Pray for me? I don't care what the hell you believe in... I don't care if you do rituals to Satan... Please send some energy my way... I'm scared and I can't do this alone anymore... It's all I can do to keep pretending like this...

~Helena*