22 May 2002 ~ Throwing stones at Capital Lake...

if I could get you alone
would you take me back home?

you remind me that I'm weak
you remind me I can fly
you remind me I can't read
you remind me so I try
--"Alone," Low.

Was sad last night.

Didn't feel like going to Jürgen's house like we'd planned, but I did anyway.

Felt like going downtown and throwing rocks into the rivers. But there aren't rivers downtown here. A lake and a bay, but not my rivers.

Sometimes I never want to see those rivers again. Sometimes, they're the only place I want to be, ever again.

Spoke for maybe an hour with David last night online. He has no idea of this, and you'd better not tell him, but I have no idea where I'd be without him. Often, when I am too sad to feel like doing anything other than throwing rocks at my rivers, and don't even feel like getting up in the morning, I do it anyway because of him. Because I always feel he's watching me and is disappointed in me when I start thinking stupid things and making stupid plans. I let him be my conscience sometimes. I let him be my Ferris Bueller. When everything else feels like I'm a big glass ball with big rocks smashing at me, at least I've got David around.

From Jürgen's, I walked down to the lake. Jürgen came too. I wanted to be alone. But I didn't want to be alone, at the same time.

I didn't throw rocks. The lake was full of great blue herons, and I didn't want to disturb them. And I didn't want Jürgen to understand how sad I was. I didn't want him to ask why. Jürgen's a sweet guy; he doesn't need to be burdened with my stupid crap.

Talked to some credit-check people on the phone today about the big brick-building apartment. I hope I get to live there. I get the feeling they probably won't accept me though. Then I don't know what I will do.

Picked the program I think I want to take in the fall. It's an all-level program, but that's fine. I think I can maybe make it work for me if it's a good program. Hope I can sign up for it. Hope it doesn't suck.

Need to get some food. Haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning. I think other things have been in the way of my stomach.

~Helena*