19 May 2000 ~ Can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being...

Well, dammit, I've got some things to say.

Jo called me yesterday morning -- at a gahd-awful early hour, but I'll forgive her -- to tell me she's going back into the hospital. I'm pretty sure I was the only one she called before she went to check herself in.

*sigh*

I've seen Jo once since she's been out of the hospital, before she went back in: at a meeting of the Rainbow Pride Union. This entry is sort of addressed to the members of that group, and sort of to the general public... There are some things I'd like to make everybody understand...

My mother was diagnosed with a depressive illness when I was about ten, give or take... Before then, I remember her as a very unstable person. She'd get angry sometimes and I wouldn't know why. She'd yell at me for hours and I wouldn't know why. She'd yell at EVERYBODY for hours and NOBODY knew why. She was very eratic. It was scary; you never knew whether she'd pitch a fit if you dropped something, or if she'd help you clean it up... And then, it all started to turn inwards, which was when she went into the hospital, diagnosed with an eating disorder.

For three and a half years, she was in and out of hospitals: Benjamin Rush Center in Syracuse; Binghamton General psychiatric ward in Binghamton; Sheppard Pratt in Maryland; and then this halfway-house sort of thing which was an offshoot of Sheppard Pratt. For three and a half years, I had a mental patient for a mom. During those years, the receptionists at Benjamin Rush Center came to know my family by name. They knew that I liked having Visitor Pass number 21, or number 11, although number 13 would do... We all knew the routine. Anything that we brought for my mom, even clothes and stuff, had to be brought to the nurses' station and checked for dangerous stuff. We never BROUGHT her any dangerous stuff, of course, but we all knew the routine and it because pretty much a normal thing to do every Saturday: go to the nurses' station and have them pat down my mom's stuff...

It ALL became routine...

So did dealing with my mom. I learned a LOT about what you're supposed to do for people in the hospital. I learned a lot of what you're NOT supposed to do. I learned what to say to my mom and what not to say; where I was supposed to censor myself, and where I was supposed to talk.

I kinda thought everytbody knew that kind of stuff... Apparently, they don't.

NOBODY has been treating Jo like they used to. EVERYBODY seems uncomfortable around her. And I guess... well, shit, when you see somebody in a hospital full of mentally ill people, and think, "oh my gahd, Jo's MENTALLY ILL," it freaks people and their entire perceptions change. But still! Half of the RPU has beemn treating Jo like she's let them down in some, or like she should just hold her head up and get over it. The other half has been treating her like she's some delicate lead crystal vase.

"Ooohhhh, Jo, how are you feeling?"

Well how the hell do you THINK she feels? Maybe good, maybe bad, but if you all of a sudden get this stupid, patronising, "I'm-so-worried" voice, do you really think she's going to want to tell you how she is? Especially if she's never discussed her personal problems with you -- why should she start now? Just because someone tells you they've got a problem and they're going into the hospital for treatment doesn't entitle you to all the answers, such as, "how are you feeling, why did you cut your wrist," etc...

Jo has always been this big, strong, bitchwomyn. But more than that, she's been the mom of the RPU. When Jo says "shut up," everybody knows they're supposed to shut up, whether they do or not. She's one of the most nurturing people I know; she's not just, you know, somebody who "cares" but somebody capable of "taking care" of people in need, and that isn't common. Jo, who barely knew me last year, walked up to me in a bar one night and said, "hey, how's it going?" And that night, it was going horribly. I wanted to jump off a bridge. Did she give me some big, "honey, how ya feeling?" bit? No, of course she didn't. Jo knows better. And I know better. And I wish everybody else did too. If you make a big deal out of somebody's problems, it just reminds you that there IS a problem.

Good things to do for people in the hospital or who've just gotten out of the hospital:

*Bring them flowers -- don't send them, bring them. Pick them or something so when you get there, you can say, "guess whose yard I got these from?" Stupid shit like that cheers people up.

*Tell them funny stuff that's been going on: "This retarded guy came into my store the other day..."

*Make a tape of some gahd-awful stupid song, like the Lumberjack song from Monty Python, or "Big Balls" by AC/DC, and bring it. And bring a walkman to the hospital in case there's no player. And say, "you've GOT to hear this!" Like you would for anybody else.

*Skip the fucking inspirational bullshit; I don't really know how Jo feels about it, but I know that if I was in her place and somebody said to me, "I know things are hard right now, but there is hope," or "tomorrow is a brighter day," or "I've got this great poem for you to read," I'd fucking want to kill you. Tomorrow may be another day, but to somebody who's not IN the hospital, or somebody who doesn't have depression, tomorrow is a lot easier to deal with. "You'll make it; you're a strong person" is also kind of a stupid thing to say. Jo IS a strong person and I DO think she'll make it, but when you're depressed, it's AWFULLY hard to see that, and clichés don't make it easier.

*Don't say, "why'd you cut your wrist?" Don't say, "please don't do that again." Say, "Looks like that must have hurt." Or touch it and don't say anything. That way, if they want to talk about it, they can. And if they don't, they don't have to. Same as eating disordered people: don't EVER tell an eating disordered person, "ah, you're looking great," or ask if they've been eating... If a person with a mental illness wants to talk about their mental illness, leave them room to talk about it, but asking directly probably isn't a good way to initiate a dialogue.

*The other day, Jo said something about suicide-by-wrist-slicing. She said it in a joking way; something about, "a little more to the left." And somebody sitting nearby freaked and said, "please don't talk about that..." Fucking understand this if nothing else: depressed people are going to have depressed and sometimes morbid thoughts. If it upsets YOU, tune it out. But it's better for a depressed person to let out unhappy or morbid thoughts via laughter and humor rather than censor themselves because YOU are uncomfortable. And if they say, "yep, I'm in a mental hospital with the rest of the psychos," don't fret over that; just say, "yeah, how can you stand these freaks?" It's OKAY to joke about stuff like that. Maybe it's even healthy to joke about it. To HELL with your discomfort -- if you're hanging out with a mentally ill person, it isn't ABOUT your discomfort. If you really, honestly can't get over your own problems with hospitals or depression or WHATEVER, say, "I love you, take care of yourself," and don't say anything else. Don't say, "I'm not comfortable," or make it seem like you're the one that needs accomodation and reassurance, because you're not.

*Write stuff. It's great to write stuff for somebody in the hospital. Think about the notes kids pass in 8th-grade: "I'm in study hall and I'm SOOOOO bored! I think the teacher is teaching, but all I can do is stare at the freckles on the kid's neck in front of me..." Go to the park or the coffeehouse or the bus station and just write down what you see; people with bad hair, people with wedgies, whatever... Not only is it entertaining to read, it's also a damn fun time for you; at least it is for me. I used to do that for my mom all the time.

*Say, "remember how I was fighting with [insert name here]? Well, we made up and everything's cool again." Don't say, "My life sucks because [insert reason here.]" Relatively speaking, no, it doesn't suck. And your problems, while they may be important, should not really take centerstage.

*Bring pictures or a card game or something to the hospital, and don't expect to be entertained. There's nothing to do in a mental hospital, and you're a visitor, not a guest.

*Okay, okay, THIS is the most important thing, I think... Remember Jo for who she's always been. Don't look at her and see somebody who's sick. Don't look at her and see somebody who's in trouble or in need; just see HER. Have the same conversations with her that you've always had: "You will not believe who wore the STUPIDEST shirt to the meeting today!" Don't go so far as to pretend nothing's wrong, because that just seems too fake, but remember that Jo is NOT her depression; Jo is JO. Jo's as fun as hell; Jo's a bitch; Jo's got a faster one-liner than anybody else in the room; Jo's a feminist, and a gay-rights activist, and the RPU "mommy." Jo likes purple things and Denny's and good books and conversations that start with, "I bet he's only an asshole because he doesn't have a weenie..." Jo likes cute girls and Ani DiFranco and diet cola. Stuff like that doesn't really change. Jo is Jo, and should be treated like Jo: not like somebody you need to take care of, and not like somebody who should be doing more to take care of herself. Let her be herself; don't force her into being your new idea of her -- she's the same as always.

It seems so obvious to me; as though I shouldn't really have to say them. But Jo called ME -- somebody she only sees once a week, if that. I think one of the biggest reasons is that I actually treat her like she's normal... She IS normal. Troubled, yes. Depressed, yes. Weird, yes. Normal, yeah.

I wish I could give everybody three and a half years' worth of experience: make everybody know what it's kosher to say and do and what's NOT kosher to say and do. I know that I don't always say and do the right things, and that "open mouth, insert foot," should be a regular phrase spoken in my presence, but... But I know what it's like for her...

It's 2 in the morning and I have to get up early. Goodnight...

~Helena*

"Can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being..." --Poe