08 May 2001 ~ Martha Stewart's Satanic bathroom-cleaning tips...

What a nice day!

Today is one of those days where one's horoscope simply says, "have a great day!" and so you do. I've been a little under the weather for a few days: a low-grade inexplicable fever all day yesterday, and this complete lack of motivation. Since I could barely talk myself into going outside to get the mail, I spent most of the day in my pajamas watching Unsolved Mysteries reruns. Then, disgusted with my laziness, I forced myself to clean the kitchen and bathroom.

Helena's tips on how to be a Satanic version of Martha Stewart:

*When you've left your crystal glasses on the counter so long that shit has permanently gotten stuck in the bottoms, let them soak in some water and about four gallons of dish soap until your upstairs neighbor is home and you can ask him if he's got a bottle-brush you can borrow.

*NEVER clean the toilet without gloves. Especially when you're already feeling sick and a little nauseous. Note to self: steal a pair of latex gloves from whichever coffeeshop I happen to be in next.

*Open the damned windows when you're cleaning the bathtub. Do not use more than one bottle of bleach. (Dude, no WONDER I felt so sick yesterday!)

*When doing laundry, don't open up the washing machine and stick your arms in... (I learned this from my mom; she says your arms can get stuck in the washer-blade thingys and get chopped up... This probably isn't true, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.)

*PJ Harvey is good cleaning music. Anything with curse-words in it is good cleaning music. So is Roxette, but I swear I'll deny forever that I still own their albums.

*When cleaning, one should own more than one sponge, to avoid poisoning one's sponges by pouring bleach and ammonia on the same one. If one does not own more than one sponge, use coffee filters. (Note: coffee filters are also handy as toilet paper if you're out and it's the middle of the night and you're feeling particularly ghetto...)

*Never throw anything away unless it's got a lifeform growing on it that wasn't there when you bought it. You never know when you are going to need useless bits of cardboard for an art-project, or little bits of cloth for washrags. And those little stickers you peel off the oranges are really good if you lose your roll of tape... Save shit like that in a cupboard called "The Useless Bits of Trash Cupboard."

*Obsessively cleaning like Jo used to do (ie, sweeping the freaking carpets twice a day) only makes things dirtier. I don't know why, but it's true.

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Just found a horrid limerick written by Señor Aaron Jesús Leroy. I can't reprint it, because it uses names and could easily incite drama, but it's damned funny, and if it wasn't so obscene, I'd tape it to my wall.

Upon arriving home from work, I turned on the radio, which was playing one of my favorite Southern Rock songs. So sue me; I like Southern Rock. Anyway, there's just something great about it, and it's made my day more liveable.

Also on the list of reasons why today is a good day: I've caught Brian quoting Tom Robbins in his emails, which is almost as fun as hearing a new Lynch-convert quoting "Twin Peaks" at random. Gahd bless. I haven't gotten Brian to a point of Peaks-speak fluency yet, but it won't be long...

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My boss at Coffee Talk, Andy, has the neatest legs. Ordinarily, I don't notice things like that, but he'd put on an Indigo Girls CD (can I TELL you how cool this guy is?), and was singing along (SERIOUSLY cool), and I threw him an eyebrows-raised glance, at which point he sort of whirled around and started to walk away, at which point I realized he's got incredibly cool legs. There's something sexy about a guy with khaki shorts, big calf-muscles, white socks, and dweeby sneakers. Andy is sexy in a dorky lawyer sort of way. I bet he used to watch Twin Peaks when it was on the air. If he wasn't my boss, I'd probably tell him I think he's sexy in a dorky way. He's probably gay; I don't really know. It doesn't matter much anyway. I like working with him, and I like looking at his cool legs, but there's really not a major attraction thing going on.

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I'm bored... Need to go amuse myself...

~Helena*