First order of business, Helena LOVES Napster! I swear to gahd, you get a song stuck in your head and all you have to do is waste like, an hour downloading it and you've got it for free! Granted, it takes forever to download MP-3's, not to mention that MP-3's sound like shit through these speakers, not to mention that I don't actually have the equipment to listen to my songs anywhere BUT at my computer, but... like, for example, the other day, I got Metallica's "Hero of the Day" stuck in my head. And I REALLY don't wanna buy an entire Metallica album. Now, I've got Blink-182's "Adam's Song," and if I ever walked into my store to buy Blink-182, everybody'd laugh at me -- just trust me, they would. So now! Glory, glory! I'm downloading everything! YES!
Is this illegal?
Oh well. Whatever.
Second order of business...
Although my life has been relatively calm, surprisingly stable, and almost -- well, relatively speaking -- normal, I've found myself VERY lonely as of late. I have to completely exhaust myself before I can even think of going to sleep in an empty bed. I sleep with the light on now. I don't know why. I guess I keep wishing Peter would, you know, stop by and... you know, let me curl up in his arms for the night. I MISS curling up in his arms.
As a matter of fact, I miss curling up in ANYBODY'S arms.
Peter cancelled the "Vagina Monologues" rehearsal he'd scheduled for this Saturday and rescheduled for Sunday. It was more important that somebody else be present for the reading; now I doubt I'll be there, but at least he's got his star. I have better things to do with my day off; like spend it with my family, and my friend Jo, who's in the hospital. I went to see Peter at his work today and as I was talking to him, he picked up the phone and started dialing, because talking to somebody else was more important. Something else is always more important unless he thinks I've made him look bad to somebody else. ALWAYS. I think I'm just going to drop off the rest of Peter's crackers at his work (preferably when he's not working) and not stop by again. Almost guaranteed he wouldn't notice.
(Almost guaranteed he wouldn't notice for weeks if I died right now...)
"I never thought I'd die alone... Another six months, I'll be unknown... Give all my things to all my friends... You'll never step foot in my room again ..." --Blink-182
But ya know, I guess I've got better things to do than die waiting for my best friend to ask what's on my mind and stick around to listen. As a matter of fact, I've got plenty of things to do. I'll tell you what I have to do! I have to fucken download this song! I have to go to work and make fun of stupid people with Susan and Matt. I have to help stupid people without Napster find CD's. I have a cute boy who works across the hall to seduce... (Seeing as I'm already known as some kind of slut-seductress, I may as well make some attempt to live up to the expectations, right?) I have birds to feed. I have Jeff and his boyfriend to feed. I have Jo to visit. I have a printer to fix, even though I suspect that undertaking of being about as hopeless as getting Peter to voluntarily talk to me. I have another job to get. I have postcards to send and a mix-tape to make. I have eight thousand, six hundred and twenty-five stupid things to accidentally say. I have an upcoming Tom Robbins book to read, and I ordered it, so there's no getting out of that one.
I have stupid board games to play. I have money to make. I have showers to take. I have showers to take with cute boys I've seduced. Or hell, cute girls I've seduced. I refuse to die until I've seriously fooled around with a cute girl.
I have coffee to drink. Extra half-and-half, hold the sugar.
I have stupid greeting cards to make, you know. Stupid greeting cards make people's lives SO happy sometimes. And believe me, I make 'em better than ANYBODY. Except Mike. Shit, I have Mike to call. I have a song to listen to -- one I just downloaded. I have a tattoo to get someday. I have laundry to do. I have laundry to wear. I got new earrings today -- the first pair of earrings I've bought since the October before last -- and I have them to display.
I have a play to finish writing. And coffee to drink.
I have a coupon for free coffee from Tom's. That's just a few blocks from my house. I have half a pound coming to me. I plan on making it something dark and hazelnut. Half a pound is enough to share with somebody else... Maybe lots of other people.
I have Nathan to write to. I promised him I'd tell him all my deep dark secrets on paper someday, so that he'd feel guilty enough to write down all of his deep dark secrets and send them to me.
I have concerts to go to. L'il Peter, at work (L'il Peter is not to be confused with Peter, as in, Peter) made my lighter into a blowtorch today and I'd love to go to a concert and wave it around.
I have sex to have and X-files episodes to watch. Mulder and Scully still haven't gotten together. It's been a LONG time since I've been together with anybody in ANY sense of the words.
I haven't won the lottery yet. Well, except once. When Aaron and I went to a gas station at 11.59 PM on September 9th of last year (the last minute of 9-9-1999) and bought two scratch-off's called "99's in a line." I think we won six bucks. But that doesn't count. Until I win, like, twenty bucks or more, I haven't won the lottery, and I'm going to keep trying every now and again. Or at least wishing.
I'm listening to Blink-182 again. This is a damn depressing song. *sigh* I still like it.
I have orange juice to drink.
And thunderstorms to watch. Movies to see. Email to answer. Happier songs to download.
I have kids to have and a society to overthrow so that my kids don't end up fucked up. I have a Wes'side to clean up.
I have a fucken life to live.
So, while I'm waiting for Peter to do his happy little show and then probably ignore me for the rest of his life (and probably during the show too, as he's in his GLORY over somebody else in the show who apparently has a more interesting vagina than me or something), I'm going to... have some coffee and watch some X-files. Or maybe I'll have some orange juice. And I'll listen to a happier song. The rest, I think, will come to me eventually...
Love,
~Helena*
"Give me a reason to be... a woman..." --Portishead, "Glory Box."