02 May 2000 ~ House made of heart, break it...

The other night, I dreamed that Peter and I went to a Metallica concert together. And halfway through the concert, Peter got amnesia and thought we were seeing a Billy Joel/Elton John concert. So I kept having to say, "yeah, uh... yeah, that's Elton all right... Any minute he'll do 'Rocket Man' or some 'Lion King' crap." Only, it WASN'T Elton John or Billy Joel, it was Metallica. I dunno. It was bizarre.

I woke up, turned on the computer, and downloaded "Hero of the Day" by Metallica. And told Peter about my dream -- he was online at his mom's house. We laughed together. He said he "fuckin loves" Metallica, direct quote, heh heh. And we talked -- really talked -- for three and a half hours. For the first time in months. So I wrote him this:

I really enjoyed talking with you today.

I miss the hell out of you and not a second goes by that I don't think "Shit, what have I DONE?" I want to take back telling you to move out; I want to take back being suspicious and bitchy and jealous and possessive. I want to take back EVERYTHING. I think I'd rather not go on, knowing that I hurt you, knowing that I made your Home an uncomfortable place to be and then just took it away from you altogether. I want to call you and say "please pretend I didn't say anything at all..."

But I think that all of this is going to do wonderful things for us in the long run. I think that we both needed to wake up and see what we DID have together that was disappearing down the drain... I think we needed a little bit of space to see that there is still a LOT of that quirky, twisted love and friendship between us -- and to remember why.

I'm hurting a lot and I'm very lonely.

But talking today -- for the first time in months without tears or anger from either of us -- helped. SO much.

There is magic between us, Robbie -- a relationship that nobody else could ever, ever have, and one that's so uniquely Us, so mis-shapen and unexpectedly beautiful... It's still there and I think soon, with time, we'll have ourselves and our feelings about each other straightened out enough so that our previous good times will be more than just distant memories.

I was writing a letter today, one of those unsent ones that nobody'll see, and I was writing about you, and a little bit of our history and stuff, and for the first time in a LONG, long time, I could remember with some accuracy how much I used to respect you, and love you, and trust you, and miss you in your absence. We just need time. And space.

You have a Home. You ALWAYS have a Home. If it's not in my house right now, know that it is ALWAYS in my heart. I know how cheesey that is, but it's absolutely true. It's why I hugged you before I left for work the other day.

And, for the record, you ARE welcome here. I don't think it's a good idea for you to be living here for awhile; I think that being together all the time would bring back a lot of tension. But if you want to come over for dinner, or stay over, or watch movies, or ANYTHING, you are welcome.

Thank you for talking to me today.

*hug* Best friend, I love you infinitely.

Always,
~Your Carebear*

"So close no matter how far ~ couldn't be much more from the heart ~ forever trusting who we are ~ and nothing else matters..." --Metallica (HEE!)