"Train kept a-rollin' all night long, train kept a-rollin' all night long..."
I almost died yesterday.
Okay, okay, it wasn't quite so dramatic as all that...
My friend Kevin decided that yesterday would be an ideal time for the two of us to "hang out." Since we didn't make any definite plans, needless to say, I was a little concerned. First of all, hanging out with somebody and not having plans can get REALLY damned boring. Second, hanging out with somebody and not having plans can lead directly into a bedroom if you're not careful. I have no intention of leading Kevin anywhere that might have a bed.
Kevin showed up at my doorstep an hour and a half late, by which time I was thoroughly panicked. Not panicked that he might have been smashed flat on the interstate, but panicked because I'd had so much extra time to realize that there's not so very much TO do with somebody in Binghamton when you're not actively trying to seduce them.
The first words out of my mouth were, "I'm hungry, are you hungry? I haven't eaten in forever, let's go get something to eat, I know a bunch of really great places..." Now, if I were David, those words MIGHT have been the beginning of a seduction, but I was merely thinking, "Public places are bad for putting a move on people..."
We went to Lost Dog. We dined on a portabella mushroom sandwich (extra garlic mayo, so I would have an excuse not to kiss him), and a reuben sandwich (I HATE sauerkraut -- yet another reason not to kiss him!). Then, he whipped out his camera, and decided we should take a stroll around town looking for cool old buildings to photograph.
[The famed Walking Tour of Sunny Historic Downtown Binghamton (tm) has been known to lead to more than a collection of photographs, but that's another story entirely...]
Fortunately, Kevin was more concerned with the care of his camera equipment than with my memorized facts about the historic landmarks of Binghamton. I say "fortunately," because those facts are sort of starting to fade in my mind, and I'm sure I made up about half of them. He was, however, rather taken with my impression of Bill Pullman when I knocked on the Isaac Perry building on Chenango and intoned, "Cast-iron!" As David said about the Walking Tour (tm), it's a good opportunity to get to know somebody. I found out quickly enough that Kevin, despite being very good-looking, very intelligent, and remarkably cultured, is really sort of a dork.
[There's a small, familiar voice in my head whispering, "just because he's a dork doesn't mean you can't sleep with him..." Very true. However, at this point, I think I'd rather swallow glass. Sharp glass.]
Anyway, Kevin got it into his head that we ought to walk down Chenango Street and cross over this set of train tracks so he could take pictures of this big crumbly red brick building. Fine by me, especially when I noticed two other people already down by the red building snapping photographs of their own. Weird. Anyway, to actually cross the train tracks, one had to actually climb onto one of the cars and drop oneself over onto the other side. Not all the way up on TOP of the train car, just the part that hooked the cars together. Still, that's a good four feet off the ground...
Anyway, I went first, and was admiring some rusty mechanical-looking stuff on the back of the train car, when Kevin decided I was a great photo opportunity. So I sort of stood there, sort of awkwardly posing, sort of wishing the train would start moving and carry me far, far away, and he snapped the picture. THEN he decided that the picture might not have come out, so he wanted to take another one. As he was screwing with his lenses, and I was finding a more comfortable perch, I felt a sudden jolt. Then a lurch. THEN I felt the whole car start to move.
"Get off," screamed Kevin. "Get off NOW!" My first thought was that Kevin had somehow managed to move the train car a bit, some sort of joke on me. When I realized that the ancient-looking train cars were NOT actually as stationary as I'd thought, and that they WERE actually moving, taking me off to someplace far, far away, I was shocked. Had I spent a moment thinking about it, I might have yelled, "Kevin, give me my bookbag!" and then let the train carry me wherever it willed. But Kevin's screech had freaked me out enough so that I got the distinct impression I was going to be killed, and I prepared to jump off...
Strangely, the rush of adrenaline when I realized I was perched on a moving train, triggered an odd vision of Björk telling me something about a lawyer. Now that I've had a chance to analyze it, I realized it was my mind's way of telling me I couldn't die yet, not with so many secrets I've never told...
Anyway, I jumped off the train, not stopping to think about how I'd land... It was, as I said, a good four feet down, and I landed rather ungracefully in a crumpled heap. Kevin, now on the other side of the train, was laughing uncontrollably. I sort of wished he'd evaporate, especially since my neck hurt like a bitch for a good five minutes.
Upon the train's passing, and upon being reunited with Kevin (and more importantly, my bookbag), Kevin began hooting about his warning call. "I said, 'Get off now!'" he giggled.
"Yes, yes you did," I replied, rubbing my neck.
"It was like a movie!"
"Yes... Yes it was." I thought of Aaron. Had any of this occurred in Aaron's presence, he would have yelped, "Dude, like, you almost DIED and shit! Did you have a vision on my mom?" whereupon I would respond, "No, dude, I had a vision of Björk! It was fucked up!" whereupon HE would respond, "DUDE!" and I would respond, "Yeah!" Then one of us would have probably started singing that Aerosmith song, "Train Kept A-Rollin'." Kevin, however, thought his warning call had been pretty amusing, and kept assuring me, giggling all the while, that he didn't USUALLY tell cute girls to "get off now."
One would hope not.
Anyway, that was the excitement for the day. I brought Kevin over to the South Washington Street Bridge, about which he seemed rather unimpressed. Obviously, anybody who's not impressed by the South Washington Street Bridge is NOT my type. As a matter of fact, I've NEVER met anybody so uninterested in the magnificent sight of the Chenango River plowing into the Susquehanna River. I suppose at the moment I ACTUALLY die, I'm going to have a vision of the rivers from the South Washington Street Bridge, rather than one of Björk... Yet Kevin was concerned mostly with the health and happiness of his cameras, and I led him back into town as quickly as possible.
Hey, River... I don't know what I'm doing here with this guy... Please don't hold it against me... I guess you're probably laughing at me, but I'll throw something over the bridge for you later, some kind of little sacrifice... Hell, if I thought I was strong enough, I'd pitch Kevin over the edge to appease you... And to make you stop giggling at me...
Fortunately, Kevin had another obligation later in the evening, and so our trip to the Bridge pretty much ended our day. I was able to duck any sort of kiss he might have wanted to give me, and I watched secretly as his car pulled out and drove away... Then I breathed a sigh of relief and ran up the stairs to check my email and tell Aaron the story about the train...
As expected, he was delighted. "Dude, that's cool!"
Perhaps the next time I tell this story, I'll tell my audience that that's what happens when you go out with a guy from the wrong side of the tracks...
Love,
~Helena*
"I gave somebody the Walking Tour (tm) yesterday."
"Did you get any?"
"No... he was just too much of a dork for me... He WAS good-looking, but that's it."
"Hmmm.... good looking *and* a dork! Trainable......"
--me and David, AIM.