19 April 2003 ~ Very near burn-out...

So, the student loan people have this new policy. They no longer disburse funds to students at the beginning of the academic quarter, but wait until the quarter is half over. I have no rational explanation for this.

Thus, I took out a so-called "emergency loan." The most the emergency loan people would give me was $400.

In order to conserve this money for the equivalent of five weeks, I elected to order my textbooks online. The school bookstore charges absolutely fucking ridiculous prices. There is NO reason to charge $75 for ONE book -- a USED book, I mean -- when you could get a brand spanking new copy of the same thing for $100. Duh. So I ordered used copies of all my books via Amazon.com. I saved well over a hundred dollars, despite having them shipped to me via rush delivery.

However, due to all of the above bullshit, I lost a week's woth of time. I had to wait for the emergency loan to get processed, which took three days. Somehow, Amazon fucked up my credit card number, and I lost another day in re-ordering all the stuff I'd just ordered. I lost a few days in waiting for my books to arrive from Indiana, Florida, and New York. I lost another day when one of the books was shipped to the wrong address, and signed for by someone who lives several miles away.

The first week of class, I had chapters to read from FIVE separate books; the equivalent of nine chapters. I did not own any of those books.

The second week of class, I had those original nine chapters to read, plus one entire book (Uncle Tom's Cabin, which happens to be approximately 600 pages long), to read for the next week. Oh, and another two chapters from a book that hadn't arrived. So, eleven chapters of five separate books, plus 600 pages of Uncle Tom's Cabin.

I spent five days reading Uncle Tom's Cabin, and I did actually finish it. I also read four of the eleven chapters.

Currently, I have two chapters left to read for my abnormal psychology class. These are due (along with a relfection paper about the readings) next Wednesday. So, essentially, I am caught up. I can read two chapters by then.

For my program about children, I'm very far behind. I still have two or three chapters left over from the first week to read. I just finished this book I'm supposed to have read by Monday, but I've still got another newly-assigned book to read before Monday...

...So I've read well over two hundred pages today, and have barely made a dent in anything. I also typed up a paper that's due Tuesday. But still.... SO much left...

I signed online just now to check my email and type up an entry, and one of my professors has sent TWO more articles for me to read before Monday. One is three pages, but the other is six. That's nine pages. I read twenty-five pages per hour, average. I estimate it will take me half an hour to get through these two articles. These assignments just keep appearing out of nowhere...

It is very foolish to attempt to take 20 credits' worth of work when one also has a relationship, and when one lives a billion miles from campus. And when one has decided not to partake in the consumption of illegal stimulants.

Furthermore, I blame ALL of this on the stupid loan people. I am a VERY conscientious student. I take this shit seriously. I take my notes, I go to my lectures, I write my essays, and DAMMIT, I'm GOING to read all these books. I can read 25 pages per hour, more if it's quiet and nobody's bothering me. That's approximately one book in eight hours. I can do that. I REALLY can. But this "catching up" work is so close to impossible... I wouldn't HAVE to be catching up if the loan people would have given me my fucking loan when I needed to buy my books to begin with...

AND... if all of that wasn't enough, the $400 has run out almost completely, and I've got another two weeks before I have a dime of my own.

Can I just tell you how very, very much I HATE the loan people right now?

But here's the thing... I had this same quantity of assignments in fall quarter, and I did most of those. As a matter of fact, I did them while pregnant and trying to get my lover out of jail. And working 18 hours a week. And okay, admittedly, I did fudge some things. For a certain final project, I turned in a paper I'd written many months earlier. I actually skipped over reading an entire book. I didn't even buy it. But that was while pregnant and trying to get my lover out of jail. I still think I'm a damn fine student. I will NOT get burned out, I will NOT get burned out, I will NOT get burned out...

Somebody please convince me that I'm not going to get burned out.......

~Helena*

PS -- Needless to say, I am not ignoring emails and letters. I swear, I'll get back to all of you... Really, I will...