A weird night.
Went to the computer lab to work, but couldn't get anything done. There were two kids sitting next to me who just wouldn't shut the fuck up. Left feeling like I hadn't accomplished anything, and went to the library to look for some books... Libraries overwhelm me; even staring at a large bookshelf makes me feel kind of queasy, inadequate, small... Left there, and noticed that the Take Back The Night project was having their meeting in the library lobby. Got dinner and went back to spend some time with them.
It's been one of those days when I just feel like everything's happening all at once, and I can't get anything done. Two hundred more pages to read before Tuesday; a short essay to write, and I'll be DAMNED, I want to get SOME work done on my book one of these fucking days. I just can't find a nice place of silence and relative peace.
Figured that the Take Back the Night rally would help me feel better. At least it would focus me on something.
Several things happened... During the march around campus, we all paraded past the Longhouse building, where there was some sort of HUGE dinner taking place. Everyone was feeling a little nervous with so many people staring at us, but when we walked past, chanting some foolish chant ("End the silence, stop the violence" -- catchy, but protest-y chants are usually pretty damned lame, although onlookers wouldn't listen to epic poems...), all of the people in the building stood up, and went to the window to clap for us and cheer. It was so wonderful. I couldn't help it; I just started sobbing. I like it when I'm a little nervous and uncomfortable, and people cheer me. It was just such a wonderful feeling.
I've never really been in a real protest or whatever, aside from Take Back the Night. I'm very good at getting pissed off and WRITING about women's issues, and so forth, but sometimes I'm a very shy, quiet person. I'm not very good at yelling. It made me cry to have this huge room full of people clapping for me and this little tiny group of maybe 20 women. They interrupted their dinner-meeting to cheer for US.
A girl joined us along the way; her name is Etna, and she's one of the most beautiful human beings I've met here. I barely know her, and I rarely feel comfortable having female friends, but already, I just adore her. Girl walked up to me a few nights ago and out of the blue taught me to ride a bike! You can't beat that. Anyway, she joined the march when we passed by under her window, and she marched with me, arm-in-arm. At the open-mic session afterwards, both of us said a few words... She spoke briefly about the dangers of using drugs and alcohol around people you don't really know, but didn't really elaborate. I spoke about the dangers of living with assholes. After I spoke, Etna put an arm around me, and another girl whispered in my ear: "We'll talk later." Later, I spoke with that girl; it's nice to feel like somebody gives a shit.
Etna told me, in great detail, about some things that happened to her. We talked for several hours, wandering in the rain. We told stories. We bitched. We griped. We giggled. We watched Oprah. OPRAH! It's a damned hard thing to get me to watch Oprah; it takes a very special kind of person. I like Etna.
Etna and I made plans. Devious plans. Damn, but it's been a long time since I've had a friend to make devious plans with!
Am going to Seattle tomorrow. I have a few things to take care of. Some unfinished business, so to speak. Some mysteries to solve. Some things I left undone many months ago that I absolutely must correct as soon as I can. My supplies: a map of the city, bus money, a notebook, my homework, a tape-recorder, and a photograph. And a mix-tape.
And a good night's sleep.
~Helena*