07 April 2002 ~ True love conquers all...

Sorry for my less-than-frequent updates. I really have no excuse; just slacking off a bit, I guess.

I spend my days downtown, drinking decaf, reading, and flirting aimlessly with barristas. I spend my nights online, just fucking around. Sometimes, I spend my nights writing, but those times are too rare for my liking.

Spent tonight, a damp, chill night, reading in a classroom in the library building. Then spent some time sitting outside the library watching the mist roll around under the overhead lights, and listening to Neil Young on my walkman. Neil Young makes me cry sometimes; I'm not sure I can explain why... I guess I'll try anyway...

I'm not any sort of idealist. I don't think I will ever say: "I will be truly happy and fulfilled when [something]..." But I do believe in a sort of serenity, a sort of peace and calm joy that people can live within for extended periods of time. And I also believe in moments of rare beauty and clarity and perfection -- fleeting moments, but perfect ones. I often entertain a daydream of one such perfect moment: sitting around a bonfire with some friends, family, lovers, and such, maybe in a forest, maybe in a field, on a warm summer's night, singing Neil Young songs. I don't know why, exactly. Listening to Neil Young in the rain, alone, and thinking of that one particular evening I've never had, makes me so wistful. So I just listened to him outside the library and cried.

I've been way too lonely lately for my own good. Am thinking of maybe joining a club or something, though the militant feminist "womyn's center" has a fairly ominous ring to it, and I've been forever intimidated away from Queer Student Unions, and I haven't got the motivation or stamina for a sports team. I wish I could have a club of people who like to drink decaf and who sometimes just cry in the rain while listening to Neil Young.

Have to go to bed. Four pages to write and 130 to read before Monday. Wish it wasn't so bloody damp in here. Wish my bed looked warmer and more comfortable than it does. Fuck.

True love conquers all...
~Helena*