Disclaimer: I am respectfully asking that if you are a current member of the Evergreen State College community, you do not read this entry. Now, I know you're probably going to anyway, but the disclaimer is here so that if you get pissed off at me for anything I say, I can say to YOU: "Dude, what the hell were you going through my stuff for without permission?"
I know, I know, it's like leaving a diary in the lobby and expecting nobody to read it, but this way, I'm at least expecting you won't bitch at me.
Some other neat places to go can be found here.
Louise is driving me fucken insane.
Don't get me wrong; I love the girl, I do. I think she's beautiful and intelligent and interesting and amusing, and all of those other good things. She and I also have enough weird personality traits in common that I'd be her friend even if I didn't live with her.
But she's driving me up a damned wall.
Now, Louise has a boyfriend. She insists that he's not her boyfriend, because they're not monogamous. They have this arrangement. Fine by me. I like her boyfriend well enough, and if they're happy with things, then I don't care what they do. Monogamy isn't terribly easy for me, either. I understand.
The problem is: Louise has to be the center of attention ALL the damned time. It's fine with me that she's completely boy-crazy and thinks she's in love with every male that wanders by. There are other things that are NOT fine with me.
I'm in the laundry room one evening. There's an attractive boy reading and sitting on one of the counters. He starts talking to me. It's one of those silly, flirty conversations: where ya from, whatcha takin' next quarter, et cetera. He was doing an independent project on Pragmatism, and was, in the laundry room, reading a book entitled "Pragmatism." He kept mispronouncing it: "Pragmaticism." It didn't matter; he was cute. He was just some cute, random fellow in the laundry room, and I felt like flirting with him. So I was having him explain "Pragmaticism" to me (I already know a little bit about it; did a project on one of those famous Pragmatic fellows in 7th grade or something; got an "A+"), when Louise burst in.
Immediately, she began talking to the cute boy. Well, fine. It did put a damper on me flirting with him, but the laundry room is community property, and she IS my room-mate, so I wasn't going to sit there completely ignoring her. Besides, she just came down to check her laundry anyway, and then she was going upstairs, right?
Nope. She struck up a conversatio with the boy. NOT, mind you, a conversation with ME and the boy. She struck a conversation with HIM, and interrupted me every time I tried to say something. He'd say, "nice weather we're having tonight," and she'd reply: "Yeah, isn't it?" and start talking about all the reading she had to do. I mean, I just had NO chance to say ANYTHING. The whole conversation became Louise's. Well, there went another possibility of making a new friend. When the guy disappeared to get his detergent or something, Louise exclaimed ecstatically: "He's SOOOOO cute, Helena! I can't let him get away!" What the fuck? I mean, it wasn't like I'd laid any claim to him or anything, but I would've liked a CHANCE to TALK to him... Oh well. That disappeared with Louise's arrival.
Disgusted with her, I went upstairs. I guess the guy got disgusted too; she told me later that when I left, he put his headphones on and went back to his "Pragmaticism" book.
A week or two ago, happened to speak to a nice barrista at Otto's, who inquired about the book I was reading. I said: "It's really, really beautiful. Of course, the entire thing is just one erotic part after another; it's really just a sexbook, but it's beautiful." The cute Otto's guy said: "well... you'll have to come back here when you've finished and tell me all about how it was." (With THAT, I blushed... I blush too easily lately...) Nice guy. Real attractive. I don't know if he's my type exactly; he didn't smile a whole lot. But what the hell? You don't have to be my "type" for me to talk to you. (The laundry-room guy wasn't my type either; I admired his motivation, but I can't see myself seriously digging a dude who can't pronounce his major subject of study.)
The NEXT time I went to Otto's, I brought Louise with me. She wanted an americano, and Otto's makes the best damned americanos in town (comparable to B&O americanos -- those are killer!), so we went. Sure as hell, the same cute, somewhat-disaffected barrista was there, and recognized me, and asked me again about that book. I told him I wasn't finished with it, and smiled at him, and promised him a full review later. As soon as he was out of earshot, Louise started squeaking about how cute he was. Great.
Yesterday, she woke up and decided to go to Otto's to hit on him. What the HELL? I don't care if she's always on the lookout for love, or whatever, but I REALLY hate that when people show interest in ME, she has to barge in and make sure they like her better.
I feel like the big sister sometimes, you know? I feel like she follows me around trying to be friends with my friends. It makes me cringe when she says things like, "Wow, what a great idea! I should do that!" I almost KILLED her when I told her about the class I was going to take, and she got real excited and made some brief mention of possibly taking it with me (too late for that, thank gahd). I mentioned to her that most of the restaurants and coffeehouses downtown require resumes, not just applications (and I knew this because I'd tried to APPLY!), and immediately she started making plans to make a resume and apply at all these places *I* was trying to apply to. I mean, I need some space to do my own thing, you know? I would like to have my own friends, and I would like to have my own class, and my own job, and my own life, INDEPENDENT of Louise.
Anyway, so Louise and I both ended up downtown yesterday. The dark-haired disaffected barrista wasn't around, so Louise was just reading when I walked in. The good thing about both of us being kind of flighty is that we forget we're frustrated with each other after about five minutes. Definitely a good thing, or we'd have killed each other by now, living in such close quarters. So we got to talking -- she about her multitudes of admirers back in California, and I about the new electronic equipment I'd acquired (a tape recorder, kids!) All was pleasant and well.
Until, this lovely, lanky blonde boy with bouncy curls and big, sweet eyes appeared on the scene. He was wearing an apron, and pushing a huge load of dishes on a cart. He grinned at me: a big, huge, overflowing grin. The kind that makes you feel like you have to wipe your face off.
Then -- and ONLY then, even though the blonde boy had probably been walking past Louise all fucking morning before I'd gotten there -- Louise decided she was in love with the cute blonde guy. "He SMILED at us, Helena!" No, no he didn't smile at US, Louise, he smiled at me, because I was smiling at him, and your back was turned to him. And not to be a bitch, but can I PLEASE have an interest that you don't suddenly decide is YOUR interest? I didn't get bitchy with her though. I said: "I'm going to leave that guy a note on a napkin."
I wrote: "Otto's barristas are sexy when they smile." It's a trick as old as the damned hills; Rachel and I used to do that shit all the time back at Java Joe's, and it worked fine for the two of us... I still blush thinking of all those: "Java David makes the biggest, best cookies in the world," and "Java Aric is steaming hot like my coffee..." messages we left on that stupid counter. Anyway, it's really childish, but what the hell. Louise didn't like the idea of leaving the note. Fine. I turned it upside down with the intention of throwing it away before I left.
So she starts talking about asking this blonde guy out. What??? Gee-zuz, this girl is fucking insatiable. First of all, let me remind you that she HAS a boyfriend. Second, let me remind you that in her boyfriend's absence over Spring Break, she went out with some guy she met at Jiffy Lube, and stayed overnight with him. Third, every damned time I have an interest in somebody -- no matter how slight -- and every damned time somebody has an interest in me -- no matter how slight -- Louise has found SOME way of inserting herself into the middle and making herself the center of attention. Fourth, Louise can snap her fingers and have a HAREM of boys flocking to her damned door, but she INSISTS on harassing the people *I* associate with. Ergh. Louise makes me so fucking mad I could strangle her sometimes. THEN she started babbling about how she wanted to get a job at Otto's so she could sleep with the cute disaffected boy AND the ray-of-sunshine blonde boy.
Don't get me wrong. I love Louise. I think she's great. But Louise thinks she's great too. Louise thinks she's got to be the one IN the spotlight ALL the time. In that, she reminds me of Peter.
(I spent a summer collecting a small group of friends once, while Peter was off screwing some fellow in another state. The very day Peter returned -- after three months -- he followed me to my favorite hang-out, then pushed me out of the way, and began trying to impress my friends. By the end of the afternoon, one of my dearest friends had given him his hat, and a couple of others were talking about making a CD with him. By the next morning, he'd slept with the man I loved, and none of my friends were really that interested in hanging out with me when they could be hanging out with Peter.)
I HATE that. I hate feeling like I can't have anything without Louise wanting it. She really is like a little sister, you know? When I was five and my little brother was three, I would have a rock, and then he would want the rock. So I'd give it to him and start playing with some Legos. Then he would want the Legos. No matter what it was that I had, HE had to have it. And he always got it, because he was smaller and cuter. When Peter was a part of my life, he got everything I had, because he was damned good at self-promotion (you should see his fucken website; ugh!) And now Louise, who is cuter AND better at self-promotion than me, has got to have a job at the coffeehouse *I* brought her to, so that she can sleep with the guy *I* was interested in. Why must she be the center of attention in absolutely EVERY situation? Why must she be so attached to me that, everytime I want to go somewhere, she wants to go too?
Why do I feel like she's trying to shove me out of the way so that she can take over my life, little bits at a time? First a nice cushy coffeehouse job, then maybe a part-time tutoring position alongside me? First maybe flirting with the laundry-room guy who kind of liked me, then what? If Norman came to visit me here, or if I invite my East Coast friends out for a housewarming party this summer when I get my own place, is she just going to attach herself to those people too? Have I mentioned that she's been adding MY instant-messenger buddies to HER list so she can talk to MY friends? Have I mentioned that she's got a correspondence going on now with my friend Brian in Seattle? Have I mentioned that she decided she had to have her own online journal because *I* have one? Have I mentioned that when *I* light a cigarette in Oly World News, she wants to bum one off me so she can smoke at the same time? Have I mentioned that there are like, three people on this floor who eat meat, and I'm one of them, and now Louise wants to eat meat too so that she can be like me? I swear, there is NOTHING left that's JUST mine anymore. She's even got to borrow my damned post office jacket all the time; she wears it more often than *I* do, even though it's one of my most cherished possessions.
Can I please have SOMETHING for myself that Louise isn't busily embroidering her name into?
Ah... but there ARE things... There are things about me that Louise will never, ever be a part of. Hell, maybe I shouldn't even cite an examples, so, should she read this, it wouldn't just give her ideas.
I'm really frustrated with her. It's becoming more and more constant, too. Nearly every day it seems I'm permanently loaning her something else from my personality or my social life. I like her, and I like spending some time with her, but at this point, I can't wait to get my own place in town this summer... By myself.
I'm going to go take a walk by myself now...
~Helena*