29 March 2004

It's been a very, very weird couple of days...

Jake and I have been having some problems, pretty much for the first time in over a year. We've only had one or two big fights, and everything really has been fairly smooth. We irritate each other almost constantly, but generally, it's all been pretty good so far. Until lately...

I really didn't think it was possible for this kind of thing to happen, but...

I discovered, approximately within the amount of time it takes to brew a lousy cup of espresso (roughly sixteen seconds), that I have feelings for somebody else.

...and not just feelings like, "hm... you're hot," or "wow, I really like you."

I think they're more like the feelings you can only have for somebody who handed you your first butterfly knife and tried to teach you to open it without cutting anybody. Somebody who once witnessed you peeling band-aids off your chest before going skinny-dipping (dude, my dress was scratchy!), and didn't gag or mock you when he finds one of the band-aids sticking to his shoulder in the water. Somebody who taught you to inhale when you smoke, and who laughed merrily when you told him you once had an ex-boyfriend who fully intended to murder him with an X-acto knife. Somebody who drives 3,000 miles across the country and shows up on your doorstep with a bag of coffee and a wicked grin. Somebody who's already broken your heart three times without even dating you.

Yes, I actually know somebody like that. And despite the years that have gone by since most of the above, the feelings haven't changed much.

Frankly, that scares the hell out of me.

I've never been incredibly good at "getting over" things. Or people. It's a fairly typical Gemini trait: becoming so intensely loyal to certain people that they have to pry you off of them with a crowbar. But I really thought that a few YEARS would do the trick.

I guess I underestimated my stupid-assed Gemini nature, which has made so fucking many things so fucking complicated.

Needless to say, this is all very complicated.

I guess I don't feel much like explaining further or anything. Not just yet. My heart and my head have to align, and they've got to do that on their own, I suppose.

~Helena*