So, I couldn't think of a topic for this entry. So, I signed on to AOL instant-messenger. Maybe somebody there would give me an idea...
So, I found myself talking with my friend Brenan for a moment... He's a cool guy. Always gives me something to think about. But as I was typing to him (I look down at the keys to type), I heard another person send me a message. But I hit the wrong buttons or something, and accidentally closed the window before I could see who was talking to me.
I waited for a moment. There was no second try.
So, I looked at my "Buddy list." The only person who was on, other than Brenan, was Peter.
Well, fuck, I didn't want to talk to Peter.
But I sent him a message: "Hey, dd you just instant-message me?"
He said he hadn't. The closed-window person remained a mystery. And fuck, NOW I was stuck talking to Peter.
I said: "Well... oh. Weird. Well, hi anyway."
And then, just for shits and giggles, I typed to him: "Hey, gimme a topic, quick, I need one."
He gave me some stupidassed Linda Richman (see also: "SNL, "Coffee Talk") "topic."
I said: "Great."
He asked: a topic for what?
I said: for Wet Cleanup. I can't think of a topic for my entry tonight.
He replied: "How about one entitled 'On Hos Peter is not ALWAYS a douchebag'."
I said: "Oh please."
I am relaying this conversation not because of extreme boredom. I am, in fact, not bored. Nor am I mentioning this because I have nothing else to write about. I have plenty of other things to write about; I just don't feel the urge to write a long, involved entry tonight.
I am relaying this conversation because, no, indeed, Peter is not always a douchebag. As a matter of fact, Peter is not a douchebag at all. Peter is a human being, as far as anybody's been able to tell. I suspect that Peter has never seen a real douchebag. Certainly, he's morbidly frightened of female genitals, to the point that he frequently makes awkward, stupid, offensive jokes about them, at least last I knew. That's just not consistent with the functioning of a douchebag.
However, as it should have become clear to you, although Peter is NOT a douchbag, he is a self-centered individual who is absolutely incapable of having a conversation (or a relationship, or a friendship, or a fucking two-minute instant-message discussion) that does not revolve around himself.
There are names for that sort of problem in the DSM-IV.
It depresses me that I actually LIKED him for so long. I mean, really, all he EVER thinks about is himself. I haven't seen the dude for about three years, and I've only spoken with him sporadically since then. And he actually expects me to write an entry about him. He seriously thinks I would write an entry about HIM.
Well, here I am, doing just that.
I suppose if I'd asked Brenan, the other person with whom I was chatting, what I should write an entry about, he would have come up with something at least sort of interesting. You know: "what's your favorite room of the house, and why," at the most mundane. Probably something more creative and absurd. WHY did I want to ask PETER, anyway? Of COURSE all he'd want me to write about is him.
For damn near eight years of my life, he didn't let me have a conversation with him unless he was at the center of it. When we talked, it was about HIS music, HIS movies, HIS relationships, HIS jobs, HIS need for money, HIS broken hearts... When I went to visit him in Ithaca, we went to HIS favorite restaurant every damned time. (Of course, *I* visited HIM; not the other way around... And if it so happened that he DID visit me, he made a big stink about it for like, a year...)
For awhile, I thought I loved that boy. I think it was because he never let me think about anybody but himself. Didn't love me, didn't want to date me, didn't really give a damn about anything I had to say most of the time, but was absolutely insistent that I not have feelings, opinions, or behaviors that in ANY way had something to do with things other than him.
That depresses the hell out of me. The fact that I actually FELL for that crap, I mean. But what can I say: I was young. I'd never read the DSM-IV. I didn't know that he was pathological.
So, I thought I loved him for awhile. And he tore me apart, just because he could. And I STILL thought I loved him. And then one day, I realized that I loved somebody who didn't exist. Somebody with no soul. Somebody who tried to create himself by having everybody else talk about him. And then, for awhile, I hated him. Now, I just feel nothing. Nothing at all. I've TRIED to feel something, and I just can't. The person I thought I loved is dead. I finished my grieving a long time ago. And now I feel nothing for him.
...Except really fucking irritated that he still thinks I fall for that "write about ME" bullshit.
Whatever.
Let me conclude this entry by reminding you, and myself, that Peter is not a douchebag.
You're so vain... I bet you think this entry's about you, don't you, don't you, don't you...?
~Helena*