If I had three days to live before the end of the world, I would:
1.) Go to LaConner, do some stalking-work, and insist on buying Tom Robbins a beer. Maybe several beers.
2.) Shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
3.) Watch the pilot and the last episode of Twin Peaks. Twice. Maybe the scene where Maddy dies, too. Then I'd track down David Lynch, buy him an espresso, and say, "dude... um... look, you're REALLY weird."
4.) Take the elevator to the top of the Columbia Tower in Seattle, open a window, and scream, "NEIL, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" Hopefully, Neil would hear this, and would find me, and would accompany me down to the Sound for a ritualistic disposal of my incomplete masterpiece. Hopefully, he would hug me, too. Neil gives good hugs. Oh, hell, no use being modest with this crowd: hopefully we'd just hook up once and for all and get that awful freaking tension over with. Neil: the one who got away. Half a dozen times. Not three days before the end of the world, he won't.
5.) Spit on Erich, wherever I may find him. Probably a rehab. Rehab or no, I wouldn't hesitate to spit on him.
6.) Probably spit on Peter, too. And finally tell Peter what that stuff was in his bed that he thought was dried orange juice. (*WICKED grin!*)
7.) Get in a fist-fight. Because why the hell not, after all?
8.) Pet a chicken. Hey, don't say you've never wanted to...
9.) Kiss a stranger without talking to them first.
10.) Smoke a WHOLE lot of cigarettes! And maybe have some of those beers with Mr. Robbins.
11.) See KISS. Because everybody else has. Except Norman.
12.) Have lots, and lots, and lots, and LOTS of sex. And coffee. It would be easier to get those things -- and lots of them -- if people thought the world was going to end in three days. Well, sex anyway...
13.) Play with David's hair. There are few simple pleasures more enjoyable in this world than playing with David's hair.
14.) Take a nice long bath. And not put my clothes back on. Me? Immodest? Oh yeah? And what're YOU gonna do about it if the world's ending in three days!
15.) Rob a bank. And buy a lot of utterly useless shit. Like little plastic frogs. And mayonnaise. Like, four cases of economy-sized mayonnaise jars. And some goldfish. What the hell: goldfish die in three days anyway.
16.) Learn the words to "Me and Bobby McGee" once and for-fucking-all. Sing it while standing in a rainstorm. Three days? Yeah, it'll be raining for one of those three days, guaranteed.
17.) Kick the motherfucken shit out of my dad's girlfriend. And let him clean up the mess; dude's a little afraid of blood, last I knew.
18.) Walk down the middle of a highway pretending to be a lunatic and screaming, "Robert Stack! I want to be on your show too!!!" And maybe apply for a job with the FBI while I'm on that kick...
19.) Sniff glue. And cocaine. And go to San Francisco.
20.) Print out every damned page of this journal and fling them into the Chenango River.
21.) Go home -- I don't know where that is -- and lie in my bed -- I don't know WHICH bed that would be -- and turn on some pretty music, like maybe Godspeed You Black Emperor, or the Rachel's, and curl up with Norman, and say: "the world is gone; there's nothing outside anymore; it's just us." And then I'd be silent, and I'd wait, and smile.
...Now... The question is: why the hell am I not doing these things NOW? I mean, other than the weird stuff, like buying giant jars of mayonnaise, and shooting a man in Reno, and sniffing glue... Why am I nearly 22 and I still don't know the damned words to "Me and Bobby McGee"? Why have I been to 37 states but never seen San Francisco?
George W. Bush is our president. I live underneath a huge volcano that would probably severely limit my ability to be alive if it erupted right now. I smoke more than three cigarettes a day, every day, and eat a lot of saturated fat. I'm a pedestrian. Added up:
Life is too fucking short not to be debaucherous, and happy, and silly. And a little crazy. It's certainly too damned short not to know the words to "Me and Bobby McGee." For that, I have no excuse.
This friendly reminder brought to you by...
~Helena Thomas*
PS -- This just in, from left field: a little present for you guys... It's on here for a limited time only, and it's only on here because of the Lynch-connection... *grin*