25 February 2003 ~ HOME INVASION!!!

I'm so ashamed to live in this country sometimes... I mean, I can talk all night about why I love the United States, but GAHD I hate the people running it!

So now, apparently, Mr. John Ashcroft, supreme commander of POOP, has decided that we -- no, let me rephrase that... that HE, and his people... should bust people seling "drug paraphernalia."

Duh.

WHY bust a nice guy who makes glass pipes for a living? Because so-called drug paraphernalia has "invaded the homes of families across the country without their knowledge."

Now, this is just STUPID. I mean, embarrassingly stupid. I mean, so stupid, I'm not sure if I'm laughing or crying. Certainly, I'm looking into Canadian citizenship.

First of all, something imperceptibly "invading" a home is just dumb, period. Just DUMB. Things like termites might do it, but termites are ALIVE, and can walk in on their own. A nice bong cannot, in and of itself, walk into a house as part of a home invasion. The only way a bong might get into a house (short of circumstances that are utterly ridiculous) is if a human being brings it into the house. Therefore, a human being, and presumably a member of the family (because who lets strangers live in their house?), KNOWS damned well there's a bong in the house.

Imagine a parade of camoflaged bongs sneaking into your house late at night. Imagine the Mission: Impossible theme song playing. Imagine this for a full forty-five seconds, and you can begin to understand how STUPID I think John Ashcroft is.

Okay, the other stupid part of this whole mission to eradicate "drug paraphernalia" is this: NOBODY (except very, very stupid people) has drug paraphernalia in their house unless they also have....... you guessed it! drugs! Or, at least a way to acquire drugs sometimes. Or, unless they just think glass pipes are pretty. I happen to think glass pipes are lovely, actually, and I used to beg my mom to buy me one, but she refused on the grounds that the police would find it and turn me over to John Ashcroft.

Okay, so let's say you're not a user of drugs. Let's say that they fuck you up, for example. Or, you can't use them because you get tested at work, or by your probation officer, or whatever. So, one fateful night, a bong-parade comes sneaking into your home, dressed in camoflage. The Mission: Impossible theme is playing softly in the background. The bongs sneak behind your couch as you sit there watching "Friends" reruns and Lifetime movies... They snicker at your ignorance of the HOME INVASION going on...

Now, the next morning when you wake up with a bong sitting on your coffee table, what happens? You gasp, right? Because you're so surprised it's there... It has invaded your home! How could DRUG PARAPHERNALIA INVADE YOUR HOME! without your knowledge!!?? I don't know either, but it MUST happen, because John Ashcroft said it happens all the time... Uh... right. So, you're momentarily surprised that drug paraphernalia has invaded your home, but now what? Now you're going to automatically start smoking bud? You're going to think, "boy, now that I have a bong, I can get some drugs and SMOKE them!!!" Oh, and since marijuana is the "gateway drug," you're going to end up a junkie within a few weeks: homeless and with your family desperately trying to get you to go to rehab... RIGHT?

Seriously, it doesn't work this way at all... Here's the way it works...

You're sixteen or so, and you meet somebody who's sort of cool, whom ou'd like to hang out with sometimes. This person smokes weed sometimes. This person says, "hey man, want to smoke some weed with me in the park?" You say yeah, because you want to appear cool, and because you really want to try it, at least once. You and your friend go to some sleazy guy's house... The guy, whose name is Ron, isn't wearing a shirt, just baring his nasty beer-belly to the world. He's got your schizophrenic friend Fred sitting behind him; Fred is rocking back and forth, but this really isnt exactly unsual. You ask Ron if he's got any "stuff," or something stupid like that. You think you're SO badass because you're at an actual drug dealer's home. Then, using a pipe you bought for the occasion, or one our friend bought for a previous occasion, you smoke your weed and you end up stupid for a few hours. In the case that you do not have a pipe or a bong or whatever, you and your friend steal some newsprint (everybody knows that smoking weed out of notebook paper will kill brain cells...) and roll a joint. Or, you poke holes in the side of a Coke can. I've done that...

A dear acquaintance of mine once told me he'd used an apple as a marijuana pipe. What the fuck now? Ban apples?

Until ALL the drugs in the world are gone, it's absolutely useless to try to ban paraphernalia. Paraphernalia doesn't cause drug use. DRUGS cause drug use.

You know, I'm seriously thinking of renouncing my citizenship and moving to England or something. Maybe England won't be as devastated by this alleged HOME INVASION, and I'll be able to sleep at night without imagining bong-parades sneaking around behind the couch...

~Helena*

(Note: I'm a little behind in emails right now... Julie and Greg and Norman and whoever else: I'm NOT ignoring you... I'm just a little bit behind... Gimme a day or two...)