Okay, so all I've been doing lately is bitching about boys. Well, take a closer look, pal, 'cause it's gonna happen again.
It's NOT that I don't like boys. Indeed, I like boys a LOT. I just wish they were less predictable. And I wish their motivations made SOME sort of sense.
Allow me to tell you a little story. We'll begin twenty minutes ago when my computer crashed due to me being a dumbass and trying to download 20 songs at once while writing a paper, checking my email, and trying to get WinAmp to fucking work, which it doesn't. Are you with me? Okay, so my computer crashes, and I'm feeling a little bit stressed, because now I've lost ALL the songs I was downloading, AND possibly the paper I was working on.
The phone rings. I flip it off and elect not to answer it. Nobody ever calls me anyway, and it's a shared line, so it's got to be for one of the other girls.
No such luck. A knock at my door. "Helena, it's for you."
Okay, okay, fine. But it better be somebody good to be interrupting my computer chaos.
"Helena?"
"This is me..."
Word to your mom. It was Jacob: the cute boy from Spokane with the curly hair and the inexplicable Jersey accent. Jacob: probably not the sort I'd fall in love with, but most definitely the sort whose hair I would enjoy playing with. I almost smiled. Then I remembered how pissed off I was at my computer, so it was only a half smile. The half-smile faded when I realized that Jacob could only be calling me for one of two things: to ask me out, or to tell me to leave him the hell alone.
"Helena, I did a LOT of thinking this weekend when I went home to Spokane..."
Not a good sign. We really don't know each other very well; there's really no justification for doing "a LOT of thinking" over the likes of me. Unless, of course, he'd spontaneously realized he was in love with me, which would be bad. Or unless, of course, he'd decided I was ruining his life, image, or health and well-being in some way, and didn't care to have me around any longer. Perhaps he'd been doing "a LOT of thinking" over something else? The orbit of the sun around the moon, for example? The deeper meanings of Finnegan's Wake? A style of cello-playing that transcends time and space? But that seemed unlikely. After all, we don't really know each other very well. You don't call a girl you hardly know to tell her you have a new insight into Finnegan's Wake.
"Yeah.....?" I feel bitchy already. I'm trying not to let it seep into my voice.
"And I was thinking that like... now is not really a good time for me to be in a relationship..."
Yeah... and?
I debate throwing something. There's really nothing around to throw, so I refrain. What the hell, Jacob? What the hell? We've hung out maybe three times, total. You haven't kissed me on my doorstep, I haven't come around to meet you for dinner. A "relationship" involves things like cuddling and making breakfast together. You don't have a "relationship" until you can bum cigarettes off your partner without asking, or until you feel comfortable changing the TV station without a consultation. It's not a real "relationship" until you're sharing each other's clothes. As close as we have gotten to a "relationship," was getting lost in the woods and discussing the merits and demerits of Courtney Love. Dude, I don't even know your last name. I just like your hair. That doesn't mean we've got a freakin' "relationship."
I can't help letting out a little bit of bitchiness: "Yeah? And?"
He staggers a little. Just a little. Jacob's a quiet guy, but he's not socially helpless. He says: "Well, and I was just thinking that it would be cool to hang out with you still sometimes, because I do enjoy your company, but I thought I would tell you that this isn't the right time for me to be in... blah, blah, blah..."
Okay, NOW I'm going to let him have it. No, I'm not going to scream at him that he has no idea what the hell a "relationship" is. I'm not going to throw a petty little guilt trip at him for sort of apparently ditching me. I'm not going to make any comment at all. I'm going to pretend he didn't say ANYTHING at all about the subject, and I'm going to let him wonder what the FUCK is going on in my head. That's punishment enough. So I say, "Well, neat. Hey, did you get my note that Louise and I were going to see Mulholland Drive this weekend?"
[I love that word: "neat." Means absolutely fucking nothing, but it manages to make you feel special AND scorned, all at that same time. I picked it up from Brian, who says it all the damned time. Just a little more ambiguous than "that's nice," and a little less nasty than "hm, whatever." I should cut back on my usage of the word "neat." Maybe just use it for special occasions, like being dumped by somebody I wasn't dating...]
Jacob says: "Yeah, so how was that?" I hope he's baffled.
I say: "Oohhhhh, I love Mulholland Drive! Three times now I've seen it, all in different cities... I love it more and more."
He SOUNDS a little baffled. Good. His reply is warmer now, less tense, but I think he's probably glad he's on the phone with me and not talking in person. A person who can be "dumped" and abruptly change the subject of conversation to David Lynch films is the sort of person who might be likely to come at you with an axe in person.
Finally, I say: "Well, I really hate to cut the conversation off here, but when you called, I was trying to fix my computer, which just crashed, and I'm feeling a little frustrated that I might have lost my homework assignment, so I'd better get back to trying to get it back..."
Jacob says: "Um, okay..."
I say: "Well then, I guess I'll talk to you some other time."
Him: "Yeah, yeah, I, uh..." He's the ONLY fucking native Northwesterner who can say "YEAH" like a New Jersey kid. I don't understand it.
Me: "Bye."
Click.
I cannot believe it. I think I just got dumped by somebody I wasn't even dating. What the HELL? I have to admit, *I* am the one who's baffled. I don't get it! I NEVER said, to ANYONE, that I was in a "relationship" with Jacob. I'm 99% sure I never said, to anyone, that I WANTED to be in a relationship with Jacob! Bloody HELL! I said he was interesting and that I wanted to play with his hair and see what happened from there. I believe I may have said I found him to be "hot." I do NOT believe I ever said anything at ALL about a relationship. Why would I have? He seems like a sweet kid and all, and I did take quite a bit of pleasure in discussing Courtney Love with him... Plus he does have fucken awesome hair, but... still...
It's not a fucken relationship until you bring somebody coffee in bed, or beer to the couch. It's not a relationship until you've seen each other doing really, really gross things, like picking their nose, or eating saltines dipped in bacon grease. It's not a relationship until you know where all the ticklish spots are. And those are intimacies I haven't even BEGUN to imagine between Jacob and me. And now that I AM imagining them, I'm not really particularly happy with them.
I just wanted to be friends, you dumbass. And if other stuff happened, I really wouldn't have minded. Probably would have been kind of pleased, actually, because I really do think you're hot. But now you've put a cap on ALL of that because you had to go way out of your way to call me up and tell me you didn't want a fucken relationship? Neither do *I*; I never did. Nothing -- NOTHING -- that happened between us since the day we met until twenty minutes ago was indicative in ANY way of a relationship. You're really pretty presumptuous there, Jacob. So what're you telling me exactly? That you're not up for 2.5 kids with me? That you'd rather not exchange secrets in the deep dark night whilst making crazy love and planning on blowing off class the next morning? Or that you don't want to watch movies with me anymore and talk about Courtney Love and the benefits of Wild Turkey? Well, I guess you won't have to worry about any of that now.
I can't believe I got dumped by somebody I wasn't dating. Somebody I wasn't sleeping with. Somebody I'd never even kissed. Somebody who didn't really know anything about me at all. I got dumped by a FRIEND, dammit. Not even a friend: an ACQUAINTANCE.
Talk about working fast. Go Helena: didn't even look him in the eyes before he ditched you.
I'll be back in a little while -- I'm going to get some dinner...
...A LITTLE WHILE LATER...
Well, I'm feeling better... I went to dinner with Dracor and Douglass, during which Douglass ate Arby's sauce with his fingers and Dracor said about half a dozen really stupid things ("stupid," that is, in a scatter-brained Gemini way, not "stupid" as in "man, that kid's a retard!"). So I'm feeling a little better now. Dracor and Douglass may occasionally be frustrating as all hell, but today, and for the most part, they've just cheered me up.
So, in better spirits, I'm going to sign off and work on the paper that's due tomorrow that I haven't started yet...
Neat.
~Helena*
PS -- But no... no, make no mistake about it: Helena doesn't hate boys... Helena loves boys. Helena got a love letter last night in her email from a boy back east, which made her cry because it was sweet. Helena loves boys. Except Jacob. Helena is going to pretend Jacob doesn't exist. Maybe that way, everybody will know how NOT in a relationship Helena is with Jacob.