I saw a girl who sort of looked like Eva today.
I promptly came home and downloaded "Me and Bobby McGee" onto my computer.
Then I got hooked on downloading free music, as it so often happens.
By the stuff I downloaded, you'd think I'm a little homesick or something... I swear I'm not. But maybe I am and I just don't know it?
Every damned song I downloaded tonight can be found on the jukebox at the Belmar. Well... except a couple. But you'd giggle at me if I told you about those... They're silly. Silly love songs. You wouldn't understand. You'd say: "But Helena, you've NEVER listened to that stuff!" And I'd say: "Yeah, I know."
I'm not homesick, I'm really not. Not exactly. I'm NOT actually unhappy. It's just one of those moments where I'd really like a hug from somebody who knows where I've been. Makes me feel a little bit more like a real person.
One of those nights where I'd really like to say, "Hey... whatcha doing tonight? Wanna go to the Belmar a little later?" I hate the Belmar, kind of, but sometimes I loved it, too... Sitting in the back with Chris, watching him bellow along with Pearl Jam... Sitting in the front with Eva and Margaret, chain-smoking and watching Eva socialize with everybody in the bar. Sitting in the corner with Norman, my hand on his knee, his hand on my knee, not saying a word, just grinning and wondering how the fuck anybody can drink whiskey straight. Chris drank Guiness. Eva and Margaret drank rum-and-Cokes. DIET Coke. Norman drank... what the fuck did Norman drink? Doesn't matter much; whatever it was, you can't buy it in Olympia, I guarantee.
When I'm lonely, I tell Belmar stories to the kids in my hall. Not that there's much to tell. Sometimes I have to embellish a little.
I'm going to sign off here and go back to downloading my silly love songs...
~H.T.*