My baby died last night.
The odds were stacked against her from the time she implanted herself in my womb. She held onto me a very long time.
I saw her... I saw her all cleaned up and beautiful, and so, so small, sleeping, just like a baby in a diaper commercial. She was in the hands of someone dressed all in white. I saw this. I know she's someplace beautiful. And I think she's absolutely oblivious to pain. I think she has no idea about wars or blood or anger. I think she's somewhere, being held in somebody's hands -- she was so, so small -- and probably just daydreaming. There is a heaven; I know that now.
Last night, I dreamed I was a coffin. Jake and his family were putting me in the ground.
Then I dreamed of two men. Very merry, happy men. We talked, and joked, and laughed. And they told me I could not see my baby anymore. They told me no matter what I did, I wasn't allowed to be with her. I begged them to take me to her. I begged them to hurt me, to kill me, to bring me to be with my baby. I told them all sorts of ways they could do it. But they refused, and they left. They wouldn't take me.
They call it a miscarriage when it happens this early -- 15 weeks. But it's not really that. Miscarriage is the word for when it's not a person yet, just tissue and stuff. But she was a person. She was a whole person, with all the proper guts and stuff. She just wasn't attached to me right. But she was a person. We talked, you know? I told her stuff. And she told me stuff back: in dreams, in little whisperings, in hunger pangs and so forth. She was so very small, so they just think of her as a "fetus" or whatever. But she was a person.
I feel so empty.
I thought I knew what it was like to have a broken heart, but I didn't. I know now.
Jake held me all night: in the hospital, in our bed... And it's funny; when I look at him, I still see the daddy of my baby. A part of me. I love him so very much. It's like we're both torn into little pieces. I will be strong for him.
I know the baby's someplace good now. Someplace peaceful, where she can sleep, and dream, and screw around, or whatever she feels like doing. My dog Heidi is there too; I saw her last night, in a dream, guarding. But will you say a prayer for us all anyway? That I can learn to trust God to be a good mother to the most beautiful little creature in the world?
I feel so empty.
There's nothing left of me.
She was so beautiful. You won't get to know her now, so please believe me that she was beautiful.
~Helena*
secure yourself to heaven
hold on tight, the night has come
fasten up your earthly burdens
you have just begun
in the ink of an eye i saw you bleed
through the thunder i could hear you scream
solid to the air i breathe
open-eyed and fast asleep
falling softly as the rain
no footsteps ringing in your ears
ragged down worn to the skin
warrior raging, have no fear
secure yourself to heaven
hold on tight, the night has come
fasten up your earthly burdens
you have just begun
i'm kneeling down with broken prayers
hearts and bones from days of youth
restless with an angel's wing
i dig a grave to bury you
no feet to fall
you need no ground
allowed to glide right through the sun
released from circles guarded tight
now we all are chosen ones
secure yourself to heaven
hold on tight, the night has come
fasten up your earthly burdens
you have just begun
secure yourself to heaven
hold on tight, the night has come
fasten up your earthly burdens
you have just begun
in the ink of an eye i saw you bleed
through the thunder i could hear you scream
solid to the air i breathe
open-eyed and fast asleep
falling softly as the rain
no footsteps ringing in your ears
ragged down worn to the skin
warrior raging, have no fear
secure yourself to heaven
hold on tight, the night has come
fasten up your earthly burdens
you have just begun
secure yourself to heaven
(in the ink of an eye i saw you bleed)
hold on tight, the night has come
(through the thunder i could hear you scream)
fasten up your earthly burdens
(solid to the air i breathe)
you have just begun
(open-eyed and fast asleep)
secure yourself to heaven
(no feet to fall, you need no ground)
hold on tight, the night has come
(allowed to glide right through the sun)
fasten up your earthly burdens
(released from circles guarded tight)
you have just begun
(now we all are chosen ones)
now we all are chosen ones
(secure yourself to heaven)
allowed to glide right through the sun
(hold on tight the night has come)
released from circles guarded tight
(fasten up your earthly burdens)
now we all are chosen ones