Scroll down for 's new jokes. More humorous stuff added next month so add No1Free.com to your .       GEORGIA HOTEL There was a man from Georgia staying the night in a hotel. He called thefront desk and said, "Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink." The man at the front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead."   PRISON BREAK Three women escaped from a prison, a red-head, a blonde and a brunette, they run to a nearby farm and quickly go into a barn and find 3 empty brown sacks. Each lady jumps in a sack. Minutes later, the police go take a look at the barn and find the 3 sacks; one officer kicks the first sack and the brunette mutters "Meow! Meow!" The officer says, "it's just some kittens." He proceeds to kick the other sack and as he does the red-head mutters "Woof! Woof!" The officer says, "It's just some puppies." He then kicks the final sack and the blonde mutters "Potatoes!!!"       HER RELATIONSHIP LACKS FIRE! A young lady came home very sad from a date. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." A 'GRIZZLY' TALE Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you." COUNTRY DOC An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"   RIGHT FOR THE JOB Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering. If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance. If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting. If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche. If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the help desk. If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing. If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well. If they are sleeping, they are management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.       HOME COOKIN' Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible." The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God." "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Every night she places a burnt offering before me."   THE COMPUTER CONSULTANT A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down. They tried everything but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant. He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt into life. Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for £1000. Immediately he called the consultant and said, "One thousand pounds for fixing that computer? You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemised!" The next day the new bill arrived. It read, "Tapping computer with hammer: one pound. Knowing where to tap: 999 pounds."       THE NEW RADIO There's a woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dream-mobile. She drives off the lot and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. She races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical," he says. CLICK! The car fills with the sounds of Beethoven. "Blues," she says, and CLICK! a B.B. King classic plays. She drives off amazed. "Country," she says, and CLICK! a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" and CLICK! Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" and CLICK! Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "JERK!" she screams. CLICK! "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."   THE FINAL EXAM It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, he came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again. "No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.       MYSTERIES OF LIFE "God? You there, God?" he asked "Yes, what is it, my son?" God answered. "Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked. "Go ahead, my son, anything." "God, what is a million years to you?" God answered, "A million years to me is only a second." The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny." The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "Sure, give me a second." THE HAMSTER A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the $300 and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."   AGE BAROMETER Count how many you remember... 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with levers 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulbs 20. Beanie and Cecil 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!       DIVORCED BARBIE A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the nightclub' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked, surprised. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."   THE ARTIST An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."       SUCCESS IS At age 4---Success is ----not peeing in your pants At age 12--Success is-----having friends At age 16-- Success is----having a driver's license At age 20-- Success is----having sex At age 35--Success is----having money At age 50-- Success is----having money At age 60--Success is-----having sex At age 70--Success is-----having a driver's license At age 75--Success is-----having friends At age 80--Success is-----not peeing in your pants   NEW YORKERS IN HEAVEN Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates are!"       QUICK WIT On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?" A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"   BALLOONIST A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field." "You must work in information technology," says the balloonist. "Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?" "Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!"       BLONDE CONVENTION 80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"   BMW A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100....then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go. "The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back. "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. WHY WOMEN TALK SO MUCH A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words because they have to repeat everything they say to men. Looking stunned, he said, "What?" FULL STOP A man was driving and came to a stop sign. He slowed down long enough to check if any cars were coming, and then proceeded through the intersection. A police officer saw it happen, and pulled the guy over. The man asked, "what did I do, officer?" "You ran that stop sign over there," the officer said. "No, I slowed down!" the man said. "But you didn't stop," said the officer. "Slow down, stop, what's the difference?!" asked the man, getting agitated. The officer took out his nightstick and started to poke the guy in the chest. "Now," said the officer, "do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?"   WHAT GENDER ARE COMPUTERS? A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. NEW JOB? A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits. His co-worker said he should reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc. Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working." The first asked "What did you do there?" To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."   LUNCH BREAK A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."       THREE BLONDES AND THE DETECTIVE TEST A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."   MAN AND WIFE An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman. "What's new, Sara?" "Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes. After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him. "Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him." The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!" The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor!" THE EXAM An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old fool!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"   GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS After submitting to X-rays, electrocardiograms and blood tests, the anxious patient waited for the doctor's opinion. "Howard," the physician began, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news?" Howard asked. "My son has been accepted to the Harvard School of Medicine." "And the bad news?" "You're going to pay for it." DIM BULBS As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier." The foreman gives him a stern talking-to as the other men watch, and then orders him back to work. During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to. Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot. To his surprise, every worker in the room begins packing up his tools and leaving. He stops one worker and says, "Why are all of you leaving?" To which the reply is, "You don't expect us to work without light do you?"   COFFEE IN BED A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup." THE TREATMENT A woman went to doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"   FAST THINKING A man walks into a store and tells the clerk that he would like to buy half a watermelon. The clerk asks, "You'd like to buy half a watermelon?" When the gentleman confirms this, the clerk tells him that she'll have to check with the manager. The clerk approaches the manager and says, "There's some jerk up front who wants to buy half a watermelon," without realizing that the gentleman had followed her to the back of the store. As she turns and sees the man, she says to the manager, "And this nice gentleman would like to buy the other half!" The next day, the manager tells the clerk that he was impressed with the way she handled the situation and that he would like to make her the manager of one of his stores in Gainesville, Florida. The clerk says, "Gainesville! No one lives there except football players and prostitutes!" The manager replies, "Young lady, I'll have you know that my mother lives in Gainesville." So the clerk says, "Oh, really? What position does she play?" THE KINDERGARTENER A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The little girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the little girl replied, . . . . "They will in a minute."   VACATION LOCATION Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch at a fast-food joint. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked an employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr . Kiiiiing." MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY ARTERY: The study of fine paintings BARIUM: Patient disposition CESAREAN SECTION: A district in Rome COLIC: A sheep dog COMA: A punctuation mark DILATE: To live a long time FESTER: Quicker G.I. SERIES: Baseball game between soldiers HANGNAIL: A coat hook MEDICAL STAFF: A doctor's cane MINOR OPERATION: Coal digging MORBID: A higher offer NITRATE: Less than the day rate NODE: Was aware of ORGANIC: Musical OUTPATIENT: A person who has fainted POST OPERATIVE: A letter carrier PROTEIN: In favor of young people SECRETION: Hiding anything SEROLOGY: Study of English knighthood TABLET: A small table TUMOR: An extra pair URINE: Opposite of you're out VARICOSE VEINS: Veins that are very close together   THE MESSAGE When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys -- they've come to steal your land." STUFF TO THINK ABOUT - After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? - How can there be self-help "groups"? - If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? - Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? - Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? - When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs? - When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? - When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting? - Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? - Why do they report power outages on TV? - I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. - I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. - Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. - There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - What a nice night for an evening. - Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?   THE PIRATE An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off." "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" "Ahhhh..," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?" "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook." ON THE ROAD As a man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Geez," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" NICE TIE So a guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits there drinking it, he hears a voice say, "Nice tie!" He looks around and sees that he's the only person in the bar: he can't figure out who said it. He keeps working on his beer, and after a couple of minutes he hears another voice say, "Sharp shirt!" He's really puzzled this time, because there's still nobody else in the bar. He's about to finish his beer when he hears a third voice say, "Great haircut!" He's had enough at this point, so he calls the bartender over. "I keep hearing voices say that I've got a nice tie and a sharp shirt and a great haircut, but there's nobody around! What's going on?" The bartender says, "Oh, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary." TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca-Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. FAST GAS Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house an older woman was looking out her kitchen window watching the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"   50 YEARS Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn: 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip. 5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers. 6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11. 7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too. 12. You should not confuse your career with your life. 13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person. 14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 16. Your true friends love you, anyway. 17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. THE ACCIDENT Two different lawyers in two different cars are driving through the countryside, when they get into a car accident. Both cars are wrecked. Amazingly, neither lawyer is hurt. One lawyer says, "There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The first lawyer replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." He continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." He passes the bottle to the other lawyer. The second lawyer, agreeing with this generous sentiment takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the first lawyer. He takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the second lawyer, who asks, "Aren't you having any?" The first lawyer replies, "No ...I think I'll wait for the police to join us." FISH BAIT A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."   THE IRISHMAN An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though." KING OF THE JUNGLE There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad." FIRST AID FOR NUMBER ONE "How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the waitress walks in the door. "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he had been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course! All my training came back to me in a minute." "What did you do?" asks the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"   BEWARE OF LITTLE OLD LADIES A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten." The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies -- one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like poop." The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?" HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM: 1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO 2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in PHILADELPHIA 7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY 8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE 9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS 10. Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA 11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA   THE VALUE OF UNDIES Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.