Holiday

by Agnes Joseph

 

 

 

When Yamapi's plane lands at Narita without Yamapi on board, it doesn't take long for the calls to come in.

 

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Pi?" Ryo's voice has that rough edge to it that it always does when he's angry.  "Johnny-san is pissed!  He's been grilling all of us." And that's exactly why Yamapi doesn't pick up Johnny's calls.  Thank god for caller ID.  "He's convinced we know where you're hiding out."

 

"Just tell him the truth," Yamapi says, "that you don't know anything."

 

"Is this about some girl you're banging?"  Ryo's indignant question makes Yamapi laugh. It's just like Ryo to leap to that conclusion, but that isn't the reason it amuses Yamapi.  In a strange way, actually, yes, it is about a girl.

 

"I'm not banging her," he says truthfully.

 

Ryo sighs long-sufferingly.  "Well, then, if you haven't yet, get it over with and come home!  Have you forgotten about us?"

 

Guilt flooding him, Yamapi closes his eyes.  "No," he says softly, "I haven't forgotten about you guys."

 

"Good, because there's no NEWS without you.  Fans are even spreading the rumour that we're disbanding!"

 

Yamapi can't deny that those words hurt.  Ever since Jin left KAT-TUN every one seems to be waiting until he ditches NEWS.  How can he tell Ryo there's a grain of truth to the rumour?

 

"I just need some time for myself," he whispers, just before the call's cut off, either by Ryo or coincidence, but Yamapi never finds out if Ryo heard him.

 

The call from Jin is a little more understanding.  "I get it, Pi," he says.  "If there's anyone in Johnny's who gets that you want to run away from that whole mess, it's me.  I ran away as far as possible."

 

The thing is, Yamapi's not even sure he's running.  All he wanted was a break, just a few weeks of doing nothing.  No press, no fans, no people on the street hounding him.  When Johnny proposed the use of his villa in Italy, Yamapi had jumped at the chance. 

 

Turns out, Italy has everything he wants in a getaway, sun and sea and surfing.  It's got nightclubs and hot girls who walk around in bikinis all day and skimpy dresses at night.  So, yeah, his mates aren't here, but then Jin has been missing for more than a year anyway and well, when he's really honest it feels good to be away from the people who know everything about him.

 

In the end that's the best thing about Italy; no one knows him here.  OK, that's not entirely true.  There was that pasty guy last night who asked him to pose for a photograph with him, but twenty-three hours and fifty-five minutes per day Yamapi is assured of anonymity.  He can lie on the beach in his swimming trunks like every other tourist without having to worry about being swamped by fangirls.

 

When the two weeks he'd agreed with Johnny passed, he didn't want to go back. Not just yet.  Quietly he'd moved out of Johnny's villa and into a cozy little hotel on top of a hill in a not particularly touristy town.

 

The only one who never calls is Toma.  Oh, sure, he called when Yamapi was still officially on vacation, asking how Yamapi was doing and telling him to enjoy himself while he could.  He hasn't called once since Yamapi has gone AWOL.  Yamapi doesn't know what that's all about; frankly, he doesn't think he wants to know.

 

***

 

"There was a guy snooping around, asking about you."  Those are the words Gina brings along with his usual drink, not five seconds after Yamapi sits down at the bar.  As always it takes a second or two for his mind to catch up and realise that she's speaking English.

 

"Guy?" Yamapi asks.

 

"Yeah," she says, tossing a dark curl away from her face, "Japanese guy."  She tilts her head in contemplation.  "Not bad-looking, actually."

 

Japanese guy?  Has Johnny sent someone to look for him?  There's a very high possibility that's the case.

 

"What did you tell him?" Yamapi asks.

 

The grin she throws him is positively evil.  "You think I'd rat you out?  I told him I can't possibly remember every Asian guy who walks into this bar."  With a wink, she adds: "Besides, you guys all look the same to me."

 

Shaking his head, Yamapi returns the grin.  Ryo was right about one thing: there is a girl here.  The part where Ryo's wrong is that Yamapi has no desire to bang her.  Sure, she's hot and all, but that's not what his friendship with Gina is about.

 

Her presence is needed on the other side of the bar.  Before she goes to attend to her customer's need, she leans across the bar and into Yamapi's personal space.  "We're still on for later, aren't we?" she whispers conspiratorially.

 

"Yeah, of course," he assures.  "I'll wait here until you finish your shift."  He knows it won't be long; he always comes at the end of her shift.

 

"Don't go picking up any hot girls while I'm gone," she warns with a grin and then she's gone.

 

Still smiling, Yamapi picks up his drink and takes a delicate sip.  How Ryo would be mocking him, he thinks, contemplating the pink cocktail.  Would probably call it girly or something.  In Japan, Yamapi would have agreed with him; here he's free to explore a side of himself he's not even allowed to show in Japan.

 

Maybe, he thinks, that's another reason why he's not even thinking about doing the nasty with Gina.  At home it would be expected of him, not in the least by Ryo or Jin.  They would be egging him on, wondering if he's a man if he'll let an easy lay pass through his fingers.  And Yamapi would oblige, playing the role that they and the media have assigned to him.

 

Here he can relax.  There's no pressure to score from mates or expectant fangirls or watching reporters.  He can be "mates" with a girl; what a concept!

 

As he waits, he lets his gaze wander around the small bar.  Has it only been three weeks since he discovered it?  It feels longer.  No, he realises, it was the very night when he moved out of Johnny's villa.

 

Unsure of what he was doing, but feeling a high he hadn't felt in years, he'd stumbled into the place.  Drunk, maybe, but more on the possibilities that lay before him than on alcohol.  He'd just sat down at the bar and was about to order another beer when the magnitude of what he'd done started to sink in.  He'd defied Johnny.  For the first time, probably, since he'd joined Johnny's, he'd defied the very man who held his whole career in the palm of his powerful hand.

 

A sudden dizziness gripped him; he had to hold onto the bar not to fall off his stool.  What had he done?  Had he thrown his whole career down the drain over a whim?  His head felt like it weighed a ton.  He'd tried to support his head with his hands, but soon gravity weighed it down to the point he was forced to put it down onto the bar.  He sighed as the bar surface cooled his forehead and calmed down the fever waging war inside him.

 

He possibly fell asleep right there and then because the next thing he remembers is a voice speaking somewhere above him in words he couldn't possibly make out.  Summoning up his last bit of strength, he lifted his head and with squinting eyes found the source of the babbling voice.

 

The first thing he saw was lots and lots of dark curls.  Somewhere hidden in that unruly mass was a longish face with a long nose and a wide mouth.  Not an unattractive face, but one Yamapi would probably not gravitate towards of his own volition.

 

Her annoyed expression changed when she could see Yamapi's face.  "I'm sorry," she said in English.  "I thought you were a local."  Her demeanor became one of concern.  "Are you OK?"

 

Was he OK?  "No," he said truthfully, blinking up at her.

 

That produced a smile from her.  "You look like you need a drink and a listening ear," she said.  "Luckily I'm qualified to provide both."

 

Maybe it had escaped his notice that she was standing behind the bar, but it was only those words that made him realise that she was the bartender.

 

"What drink would you suggest?"

 

She held up a finger.  "Hold that thought."  A few moments later the first of her pink concoctions appeared before him.

 

There was no way he could hide his indignation.  "What's this?  This is a girly drink!"

 

She glared at him.  "Don't dismiss something because it looks girly.  Try it!"

 

Gingerly, he picked up the glass and gave it a dubious look.

 

"It's not going to bite you," she said, laughing.

 

"Itadakimasu," he said, more out of habit than anything else and took a careful sip.  The real surprise was the taste bursting on his tongue.  He stared at her in astonishment. "Vodka?

 

"Just because it looks girly, doesn't mean it can't pack a punch."  Her nose in the air, she walked away from him to serve another bar-dweller.

 

"I'm done."  Her words cut through his reverie.  He looks up to find Gina standing on his side of the bar, sporting her club-going leather jacket.  "Let's go, Tomo," she says, stalking off, swinging her purse across her shoulder.

 

Yamapi follows her out the door, grinning.  That's another thing he loves about Italy.  People call him by his name.  There is no Yamapi here, just Tomo, the Japanese tourist out for a good time.

 

***

 

The club is hot and sticky.  Yamapi is certainly getting his fair share of attention, from both male and female candidates, but he's not too bothered with the appreciative looks.  If he wanted a quick lay, he could get that in Tokyo.  He just wants to dance, enjoy the beats passing through his body, without people staring at him or trying to take photographs of his every move.  If somebody does get the impression he's up for more than a dance, that's when Gina comes in.  As long as everyone thinks they're together, nobody gets any ideas.  It suits both of them.

 

He's having such a good time that it's three a.m. by the time he reaches his hotel.  Most of the other patrons have been in bed for hours, so Yamapi makes a conscious effort not to make too much noise as he finds his way to his room.  When he turns a corner in the hallway, he stops in his tracks.  For a moment he's not sure if his eyes are deceiving him.  Is he really seeing what he's seeing?

 

It's Toma.  He's sitting on the floor, leaning against the door of Yamapi's room. His head is tilted back against the door, his eyes closed.  Next to him is a trolley.

 

Something unnamable explodes in Yamapi's heart.  It's only when he sees Toma that he realises how much he has missed him.  And to think that Toma followed him all the way to Italy...

 

"Toma?" His voice is soft, as if he's afraid that any sound will send the wonderful apparition away again.

 

Slowly Toma's eyes open.  As he turns his head towards Yamapi, a smile forms on Toma's lips.  "Yamashita," he says in greeting, "you're a hard man to track."

 

Yamapi can't help laughing.  Toma sounds like a character from one of his movies.  "How long have you been waiting here?" he asks in wonder, walking towards Toma.

                                                                                                                

Toma shrugs.  "A few hours?"

 

A few hours?  Again that indefinable feeling sweeps through Yamapi, making something swell in his heart.  Only Toma, he thinks with a shake of his head.

 

Too overcome to know what to say, he wordlessly holds out a hand to Toma, but as Yamapi pulls Toma to his feet, he changes his mind at the last moment and instead pulls Toma in his arms.  Toma huffs out a surprised breath, but then he laughs, one arm wrapping around Yamapi to return the hug.  Toma's hand amiably pats Yamapi's back a few times.

 

"What…?" Yamapi starts to say, as he steps back from their embrace, but looking into Toma's smiling face, he loses his train of thought.  He just stands there, drinking in Toma's face.

 

"Yamashita, we're standing in the middle of the corridor here," says Toma, snapping him out of it.

 

"What the hell are you doing here?" Yamapi asks, unlocking the door of his room as he does so.  The words fall over Toma's amused: "Keys?  How quaint!"

 

"You disappeared," Toma says, once the door has fallen shut behind them.  "You think I wouldn't worry?"

 

"You could have phoned," Yamapi points out.

 

Toma shrugs.  His expression's almost one of defeat.  "What's the point if you won't even talk to Ryo or Jin?"

 

That statement knocks all the joy of seeing Toma out of Yamapi.  Is that really what Toma thinks?  That he comes third after Ryo and Jin?

 

"Toma," he whispers, staring in disbelief.

 

While the awkward silence grows between them Toma turns away from Yamapi, ostensibly taking in the small hotel room.  Yamapi has known him long enough to understand that he's finding it just as difficult to deal with the emotions as Yamapi is.

 

"Ah," Toma notes with a chuckle, "twin beds.  You won't mind if I crash here?"

 

Actually, Yamapi already decided that was pretty much a given.  Where else is Toma going to go at three in the morning?

 

"How did you find me?" he asks instead.

 

Toma grins.  "You forget I played a detective once."

 

Yamapi smacks him hard on the shoulder with an outraged "Toma!" and they laugh and yes, things are back to normal.

 

***

 

They're each in their respective bed, darkness is around them, but neither of them are asleep.  Yamapi is too aware of Toma's presence to calm his mind into sleep and as for Toma?  Shouldn't he be jetlagged or something?

 

"You know what this reminds me of?" Toma suddenly asks in the darkness.

 

Yamapi smiles; he knew Toma would sense he was still awake.  "What?"

 

"Those sleepovers we used to have as kids."

 

Their laughter mingles together.  "You remember that?" Yamapi asks, stunned.

 

Toma chuckles.  "Remember?  There's filmic evidence."

 

"Oh, right."  Now that they're laughing, or maybe most importantly, now that he can hide in the darkness, Yamapi feels brave enough to ask the question he couldn't before.  "Do you really think that, Toma?" he asks quietly.  "Do you really think you come third after Ryo and Jin?"

 

Toma's lack of reply tells Yamapi everything he needs to know.  It saddens him so much he momentarily has trouble finding the right words.

 

"I thought you knew," he finally manages, his voice choked.  "I thought you knew that no matter how long we're apart, you're the one I can always talk to about anything."

 

He gives Toma a moment to process the words.  Apparently he needs it; there's no reply for a considerable time.  Then: "You asked me just now why I didn't call you."

 

"Yeah," Yamapi says cautiously.  There's a sudden odd tightening inside his chest, as if he knows what Toma's leading up to and he's dreading it.

 

"Now you tell me I'm the one person you can talk to about anything."

 

And Yamapi, with a sharp intake of breath, knows he was right.  "Why did I not call you?" he asks, his voice so quiet he has trouble hearing himself.

 

The answer takes a while, but it's a soft: "Yeah."

 

It pierces Yamapi like a knife.  For a moment he can't speak.  "I'm sorry," he says in the end.  "I'm sorry if I've been selfish."

 

Toma speaks over his words.  "It's OK to be selfish occasionally, Yamashita."  His tone is sure and assuring.  "It's OK to think of yourself first. That's healthy.  It's just..."  He falls silent again and once more Yamapi hears the words as sure as if Toma had spoken them. 

 

"I wasn't trying to push you away.  I..."  He lets out a mirthless chuckle.  "How can I talk about something when I can't put it into words myself, Toma?  I don't hate my life in Johnny's.  I don't hate my life with NEWS.  I just..."  With a sigh he resigns to the only words he can think of.  "I just want to be left alone."

 

"And that includes me?"  Toma asks, the words slow and hesitant.

 

"No," Yamapi says immediately, automatically, emphatically.  There's a beat and then, defeated, he adds,  "Yes.  I don't know!"

 

The next question is again soft and hesitant.  "Do you want me to go away?"

 

"No!" And this time Yamapi knows he means it from the bottom of his heart.  "No," he repeats, a little calmer.  "I would really like you to stay."

 

Maybe it's impossible to hear a pleased smile, but Yamapi is sure he hears one coming from Toma.  "OK," Toma says, his voice neutral, "I'll stay then."

 

The silence between them now feels comfortable.  Yamapi's eyes are starting to drift closed; he's right on the brink of falling asleep when a thought occurs to him.  He's instantly wide awake.  "Toma," he asks, stunned, "how long have you been here?"

 

"Here, as in this town or here, in this country?"

 

"Toma," Yamapi says, impatiently, "you know damned well what I mean."

 

Toma chuckles.  "A day or two.  I wasn't kidding when I said you're a hard man to track."

 

Wait, Toma actually tracked him down?  Another realisation hits Yamapi.  "Gina!" he cries out.  "You're the semi-attractive guy who asked Gina about me!"

 

"Gina?" Toma sounds amused.  "Is that her name?  Ryo said there was a girl involved."  His next words drown out Yamapi's exasperated "There is no girl involved, geez!"-  "And what do you mean, semi-attractive?"

 

Yamapi tries to hold back the happy laugh bubbling inside him, but some of it escapes his lips.  "Obviously not as attractive as me."

 

"Obviously," Toma agrees.  He sounds long-suffering, but it makes the laugh Yamapi was holding back burst from him.  It doesn't take Toma long to follow suit.

 

"Toma," he finally says, when he's reclaimed his composure.  "It's good to have you here.  Thank you for finding me."

 

The silence is a fraction too long for Yamapi's comfort; the words sound choked when they finally do come.  "You're welcome."  And then, before the moment can become too tense, Toma quickly adds, his voice gruff: "Now, will you let me get some sleep?  Some people in this room are jetlagged."

 

Yamapi huffs.  "You only get jetlagged when you travel from West to East."

 

Toma sighs. "Yamashita," he warns.  He's trying to sound put-out, but Yamapi knows him well enough to know when Toma's genuinely put out and when he's putting it on.  Yamapi's grin feels like it's going to split his face in two.

 

"Yes, mum," he says, dutifully.  "I'll go to sleep."

 

"There's a good boy," Toma says.  His pleased chuckle makes Yamapi feel warm as he closes his eyes and soon falls asleep.

 

***

 

He wakes with the sound of the shower running coming from the bathroom next door.  There's a split second right before he wakes that Yamapi wonders if he brought someone home last night.  Surely he didn't end up in bed with Gina?  He can't have been that drunk?

 

Then his eye falls on the travel trolley in the corner of the room and an instant smile pulls at the corner of his mouth.  Toma.  Toma's here.  Toma's here in Italy.  As Yamapi pulls the covers away and swings his legs out of bed, a million possibilities of what they could do today, what he can show Toma in his temporary hometown, are already flashing through his head.  They could go biking.  Or hiking.  Oh, no, they should go surfing.  Oh, wait, Toma's not that keen on surfing.  Yamapi could teach him!

 

The smile slowly falls from his face when the door to the bathroom opens and along with a cloud of shower damp, Toma emerges.  He's dressed in a fashionable T-shirt and skinny jeans.  Freshly showered, his hair still wet and in messy peaks on top of his head, Toma looks lively enough.  It's the circles under his eyes that make Yamapi gasp, circles he hadn't noticed last night under the insufficient light in the hallway and his room. 

 

Toma smiles as he catches Yamapi's eye; the "good morning" on his lips turns into a "what?" as his smile falters.

 

A wave of guilt threatens to choke Yamapi.  Is he the reason Toma looks so awful?  To mask his reaction, he quickly turns away, ostensibly looking through his drawers for something to wear. 

 

"Nothing," he lies.  "I was just thinking about what we could do today."  His earlier thoughts of surfing, or biking, or some other strenuous activity immediately vanish.  "I feel like just lounging around on the beach for a bit."  Maybe if he suggests being lazy, Toma won't feel too self-conscious about being too tired to do anything.

 

"Yamashita."  The tone is so soft and understanding that Yamapi has no other choice but turn around.  He braces himself for what he'll find, but when he turns he sees nothing but warmth on Toma's face.  "I'm just a little jetlagged."  He looks almost apologetic, and that cuts Yamapi even deeper.  "Woke up at five this morning because my body-clock is still on Tokyo time."  He tries to give Yamapi a reassuring smile.  "Give me a Red Bull or two and I'll be fine."

 

"Or three hundred," Yamapi mumbles under his breath, as he turns away again.  It doesn't matter what Toma says; he still feels like he's at fault.  It's his selfishness that made Toma look this haggard.  He wants to apologise again, but swallows it at the last second.  He knows it's not what Toma wants to hear right now.  Some of his anxiety eases and a smile returns at Toma's next words.

 

"But yeah, lying around on the beach sounds just like the plan for today."  Toma laughs.  "Good thing I brought swimming trunks."

 

***

 

It's no big surprise to Yamapi when he turns towards Toma beside him to find that Toma has fallen asleep.  He's lying on his stomach on his beach towel, his head pillowed on his arms.  Watching Toma's relaxed face in sleep, an involuntary smile rises to Yamapi's lips.  Part of him is relieved that Toma fell asleep, not because Toma is not good company; they wouldn't have lasted as friends if he weren't.  No, he's relieved that some of the tension has left Toma's face, that he can finally relax. 

 

Again, that feeling of guilt sweeps through Yamapi.  It's all your fault, it echoes through his head for the hundredth time today.  And yet, as guilty as he feels, he can't help feeling happy that Toma is here.  Through the many questions he's been asking himself in the last few weeks, the answers always out of reach, maybe he should have known that this was what he needed all along.  Even Toma sleeping beside him is enough to calm his restless mind.  And it's not as if this beach doesn't provide enough entertainment as it is, he thinks with a smile, his eye caught by a beauty in bikini literally bouncing in his direction.

 

Happy to give Toma all the rest he needs, he eventually brings out his mp3 player and entertains himself the way he has been since he arrived here.  Halfway through listening to one song, an idea for a song hits him and he's just reaching down to his bag beside him to dig out a notebook, when he notices something worrying.  Toma's pale skin is starting to look alarmingly red around the shoulders.

 

Before he's even aware of it himself, Yamapi has squirted some suntan lotion in his hand, rubbed his hands together and is applying the stuff to Toma's shoulders.  At the first feel of Yamapi's hands on his skin, Toma wakes with a start.

 

"Yamashita," he asks, glaring over his shoulder, "what are you doing?"

 

He should feel self-conscious, he knows this, but he finds he's smiling back at Toma, all the while continuing to rub the lotion into Toma's shoulder.  "Just making sure you don't boil like a lobster."  He ignores the skeptical look Toma directs at him and moves to the other shoulder.  "Just relax, imagine I'm one of those bikini-clad girls over there and go back to sleep."

 

"Bikini-clad girl, my arse," Toma mumbles under his breath, but returns his head down to his arms. 

 

As far as Yamapi's concerned that is permission to keep doing what he's doing.  Grinning to himself he squeezes more lotion between Toma's shoulder blades and starts working it across the whole expanse of Toma's back.  He's so caught up in what he's doing that at first he doesn't notice when he stops rubbing lotion into Toma's back and begins massaging him.  It feels so good, his hands sliding up and down the sun-warmed pale skin, over Toma's shoulders and down his back again.  Yamapi's actually starting to feel relaxed himself, a warm glow spreading across his own skin. 

 

He's snapped out of the trance he's found himself in by Toma's gruff-sounding: "That'll do, Yamashita."

 

Astonished he finds that his hands are on the small of Toma's back and that he's been running his hands too close for comfort to the rim of Toma's swimming trunks. As if burned, he pulls his hands away.  "Yeah," he says, and he finds his own voice is coming out hoarse.  "That'll keep you safe for a while."

 

Not really sure of what just happened, Yamapi retreats back to his beach towel.  He's sure his face must be bright red and not just from the sun, so he avoids all eye-contact with Toma.  Gingerly he puts his ear buds back in his ears and pretends to be completely focused on the music.  When five minutes later he dares to sneak a look towards Toma, he's relieved to find he's fallen asleep again.

 

***

 

"You're kidding, right?"  From her place behind the bar, Gina glares at them incredulously before pointing at Toma.  "Toma?" she asks.  When Toma nods, she points at Yamapi  "Tomo?"  Yamapi grins.  Pointing between them, she adds: "Toma and Tomo?"

 

"Yes," Yamapi says.  His heart feels like it's going to burst, introducing Toma to her.  "But his is a long o.  Toooooma," he demonstrates by holding the o ridiculously long.

 

Toma hits him upside the head and then smiles his most charming smile at Gina.  "Not that long."

 

Whatever happened between them on the beach seems to have passed.  They're back to laughing together and teasing each other like they have always done; Yamapi is all too happy to brush the incident on the beach aside as a fluke that meant nothing.  The other cause for his good mood is the way Toma looks.  The nap he took on the beach seems to have done wonders for him; he's not looking as tired as he did this morning. 

 

"And yours is short," Gina realises.

 

"Yeah."  Yamapi grins mischievously.  "It sounds even better in Japanese.  Toma to Tomo."

 

Gina pulls a horrified face at the way he rattles it off in Japanese.  "How is that better?"  Her expression becomes annoyed as she turns to Toma.  "You could have told me you were his best friend.  I would have helped you."

 

Toma opens his mouth to reply, but Yamapi beats him to it.  "His English is not as good as mine."

 

"Someone whose English is worse than yours?"  Gina mock-gasps; even holds her hand to her chest as if she's about to faint.  "Is that even possible?"

 

Yamapi tries to look offended.  "Hey!"

 

Toma, who's been watching all of this with an amused smile, laughs.  "I see why he likes you.  He needs someone who will keep him grounded.  In Japan..."

 

"Toma!" Yamapi quickly interrupts him.

 

Toma gives him a startled look, but then Yamapi sees the realisation pass across his face.  "She doesn't know?" he asks in Japanese.

 

Yamapi shakes his head. "And I'd like to keep it that way," he replies in Japanese as well.  Here he's Tomo, the tourist, not Yamapi, the teen idol.  He turns back to Gina expecting her to look pissed for talking Japanese in front of her, but she appears oddly understanding.

 

"It's OK," she says.  "I don't need to know.  I've never needed to know what you're running from.  You're a good guy, Tomo.  That's all I need to know."  She smiles at Toma.  "And you must be a good guy if you're his friend."

 

The words make Toma and Yamapi share a guilty look.  "I've done nothing illegal," he assures her.  When Toma coughs meaningfully, Yamapi glares at him.  "Underage drinking is not illegal in Italy."

 

"You weren't in Italy at the time," Toma points out helpfully. 

 

Their good-natured ribbing makes Gina laugh.  "If underaged drinking is all I've got to fear, you're not underaged anymore."  She suddenly looks worried.  "You're not, are you?"

 

Yamapi pulls a face, as Toma laughs.  "Very funny.  Now when we're all done laughing, Toma and I would like one of your concoctions before we go out to dinner."

 

"Gianni's?"  Gina asks.

 

"Where else?"

 

***

 

It's during dinner, while Toma is being introduced to Gianni's Spaghetti alla Puttanesca, that something occurs to Yamapi.

 

"Does Johnny-san know you're here?"

 

Toma's sucking pasta into his mouth, so shrugs.  "Let's just say I never bothered to let him know I was going."

 

Wow!  Yamapi can feel his mouth falling open.  It makes Toma laugh.

 

"Stop gaping like a fish, Yamashita.  You think you're the only one who dares to defy Johnny?"

 

Not really the point.  Yamapi did it out of self-interest.  Toma did it because he was worried about him.  It puts their whole friendship in a new light.  Yes, Yamapi always felt close to Toma; he's stated over and over again in interviews how important Toma's presence in his life has been.  It's the first time he really considers how important he is to Toma.  It's a humbling feeling.

 

Fortunately, before he can get too emotional about it, Toma changes the subject.  "How about you?  Are you ever going to face Johnny-san again?"

 

If Yamapi is trying not to meet Toma's eye, he hopes Toma doesn't notice.  "You think I'm running away?"

 

"Aren't you?"  The tone in Toma's voice makes it impossible for Yamapi not to look at him.  He finds nothing but genuine concern and curiosity in Toma's expression.

 

His voice soft, he finally admits it, maybe for the first time to himself.  "I guess."

 

Toma's nod is barely there; it's almost like approval to Yamapi.  "From Johnny-san?"  Unable to reply to that question, Yamapi shrugs.  "The NEWS guys?"  Toma's expression changes just a tad; did Yamapi give himself away with the way he reacted to that question?

 

"Not really," he replies, hoping to deflect the next question.

 

"So it's not the NEWS guys you're running away from, but it is something to do with NEWS."

 

Damn it!  Why does Toma have to know him as well as he does?  "Toma," he says and he knows it comes out whiny, but he can't seem to help himself.  "Can't we just have a pleasant meal together?  It's been such a long time since I've seen you.  I've missed you."  That last bit is very manipulating and Toma's raised eyebrow informs Yamapi that he knows it too. 

 

Under that look, Yamapi gives in almost immediately.  He's never been able to pull the wool over Toma's eyes; he has no idea why he thought he could start now.  "Fine," he admits, and if he doesn't throw up his hands physically, he does it mentally.  "Fine.  I can't pretend anymore.  It feels like I'm in a relationship I was never really into from the start, but wanted to give a go, because there was some attraction and I couldn't have the one I really wanted, but in the end my heart never belonged to that person in the first place."

 

Throughout Yamapi's speech, Toma's expression has gradually shifted from interested to alarmed.  Good!  Yamapi was all too happy to let the matter drop, but Toma's the one who didn't want to shut up about it.  Let him deal with the can of worms he himself opened.

 

"Yamashita."  Toma's tone of voice is a warning in itself.  'Don't go there,' it says.  'Don't open up old wounds that have finally started to heal.'  It's not what he says.  "Wow, run-on-sentence, much?" Toma's voice is teasing, but the set of his eyes is serious, not quite at ease.

 

Why is Yamapi even surprised?  As always, Toma shies away from the subject.  Does it still hurt too much?  What about all these feelings that Yamapi's having?  He has to talk to someone about them.  He thought, now that Toma is here, he could...

 

"Fine," he says again.  Turning his eyes away from Toma and back to his plate, he listlessly twirls some spaghetti onto his fork.  "Let's not talk about it, like we have been doing for the last seven years."  He's slowly chewing his spaghetti, not even meeting Toma's eye, resigned that once again the subject has been dropped, and so, startles when after some moments of silence, Toma speaks.

 

"The last thing I want is for you to be unhappy in your relationship," he says, his voice soft but resolute. He puts emphasis on the word 'relationship', continuing the analogy Yamapi started. 

 

For a moment Yamapi can only stare at him.  Are they really doing this?  Are they really, finally, going to talk about this?  Toma's expression is calm and sure, but there's a hint of skittishness that he can't hide.  Fight or flight?  Where's Toma going to run to?  They're in Italy.

 

"It's not that I'm unhappy per se," Yamapi says, "I'm just not..."  He has to think for a moment to find the right word to describe how he's feeling.  He's had these feelings for a long time, but he hasn't actually put them into words before.  "Fulfilled," he finally decides. 

 

"Fulfilled?  In what way?"

 

Yamapi pulls a face, not really sure how to answer that.  Then an idea strikes him; he grins at the prospect of Toma's reaction.  "We haven't had sex in ages."

 

Just as Yamapi knew he would, Toma laughs loudly.  It feels good.  It's as if all the tension drains from the room.  Yamapi smiles with satisfaction.

 

When Toma has regained his composure, his words still come out with an after-chuckle.  "No sex, huh?  That's pretty bad."

 

With fake solemnity, Yamapi nods.  "Tell me about it.  The chemistry is completely gone.  At this point we're just going through the motions, faking it for the sake of the children."

 

Toma tries to keep a straight face, but a rogue chortle escapes.  "And who are the children?"

 

They take a moment as they both contemplate the question, before they burst out simultaneously: "Koyashige!"

 

After a while, Toma sobers.  "So there's no chance of a reconciliation?"

 

Yamapi sighs.  "I'd say the passion is gone, but there was never any passion to begin with."  He raises his eyes to meet Toma's, just in time to see the earlier uncertainty resurface.  He ventures forth nonetheless.  "I've never felt what I did with you and Four Tops..."

 

Toma's mouth opens, but Yamapi doesn't let him get further than a careful "Yamashita", before he continues.

 

"I've tried, Toma."  His voice picks up in force and passion.  "That's all you said you wanted from me.  I've tried and I can't.  Not anymore.  Even Ryo is not enough to keep me in NEWS."

 

The look in Toma's eyes is now one of complete bewilderment.  Some of Yamapi's zeal abandons him as he accepts the truth.

 

"I know," Yamapi says softly.  "You've moved on.  You've got your career all sorted out.  You have no regrets."

 

"Yamashita," Toma tries again and this time there's an edge of anger to his voice, but Yamapi never hears what he planned to say.  At that moment the waitress arrives to clear away their dishes, inquiring if they'll be wanting desserts and a discussion starts on how they can still enjoy something sweet when their taste buds have been numbed by the garlic-fest they just consumed.  

 

***

 

Once again, it's when they've gone to bed and the lights are out that Toma starts to open up.  They've spent the evening with Gina and a bunch of her friends, and the earlier conversation has been pushed aside.  To Toma's relief, Yamapi suspects.  That's why it takes him by surprise when Toma's voice speaks softly through the darkness.

 

"I'm not over it, you know."  The words are quiet, almost hesitant.  Yamapi was on the verge of sleep, but startles, instantly wide awake.  He doesn't speak, though.  His body taut with expectation, he holds his breath while he waits for the rest, knowing that there's more to come.  "I do still think about it; what it would have been like had we debuted together like we always planned to do."

 

Yamapi tries to keep as quiet as possible, afraid to break the moment, but he can't help drawing an involuntary gasp.  He lets it out shakingly when Toma chuckles without humour. 

 

"Though, after all this time I'm having a hard time picturing myself in a band.  The costumes, for one thing, is something I have the most trouble imaging myself in."  Remembering how embarrassed Toma was about his flashy outfit at Countdown, Yamapi smiles with sympathy.

 

"The truth is, Yamashita," Toma says and Yamapi knows that there's a huge confession about to follow.  He holds his breath again, and is not disappointed when Toma continues talking.  "I purposely blocked it from my mind."

 

"Toma..."  Yamapi's voice trails off.  There's nothing he can think of to say to that.  There's nothing he has to say, it seems.  The floodgates have been opened and Toma's words rush out as if he's been holding them back for so long they have to come spewing out whether he wants them to or not.

 

"It would be easier for you in the long run if you started anew with NEWS, if you left me and Four Tops behind and never looked back..."

 

There's no way Yamapi can't interrupt now.  "Toma," he says again, but this time Toma talks over him.

 

"It's the only way that you could move forwards.  That's why I asked you to at least try.  I didn't want you to remain stuck in the past, always glancing backwards.  And you looked like you were doing so well with NEWS, so I let go as well.  If I'd known you weren't happy..."  There's a sob in Toma's voice as it finally falls silent altogether.  Yamapi is too stunned to get a word out.

 

For a moment there's nothing but silence, briefly interrupted by the sound of a moped racing past their window.  People, still out late at night, maybe on their way home, are laughing in the distance.  Then, not a sound, except for the sound of Yamapi's own rapid breathing.

 

"Yamashita?"  It sounds as if Toma's wondering if he's still there. 

 

Yamapi realises that Toma needs a reaction.  There's nothing he can think of to say, though, except: "Yeah?"

 

"Those things you said tonight?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"I've spent seven years dreaming you'd say them."  There's no air in this room.  Or Yamapi's having difficulty breathing.  It's one of those two.  "And hated myself for even thinking them.  I had to let you go."

 

"Toma," Yamapi tries again, but this time too Toma won't let him speak. 

 

"So all those times when it seemed that I didn't want to talk about it?  That was because I was so ashamed of my own selfishness.  But now I see I've made matters worse by not talking about it, because now you're unhappy and felt you couldn't even talk to me about it..."

 

Without even thinking about it, Yamapi is out of his bed and kneeling beside Toma's.  He just can't stand to listen to Toma beat himself up like this for another second.  It's such a gut reaction that it's only when he sees, in the faint light of the streetlamp outside, Toma sit up and stare at him with bewilderment that Yamapi wonders what he's doing.  What exactly was he planning to do now that he's here?  Hug Toma?  Shake him?  Something else entirely?

 

With an embarrassed smile, Yamapi sits back on his legs.  "Look, Toma," he says, grinning self-consciously, "I've already got a mum, OK?  I don't need someone else to feel responsible for me.  Also, I'm an adult.  I'm responsible for my own actions, even the stupid ones." 

 

Toma grins back at him and that is enough to keep going.  "All I want from you," Yamapi continues, "is to talk to me and listen to me and occasionally give me your thoughts on whatever's bothering me.  And bothering you!" he adds with emphasis.  "None of this holding back or blocking your own feelings or whatever crap for my sake.  I'm a big boy.  I can handle it."

 

Smirking slightly, Toma nods.  "Yeah, I think I can do that."

 

"Good!"  Now that's settled, Yamapi's kind of lost on how to get back in his own bed without losing too much of his dignity.  In the end, he just gets up, squares his shoulders and under Toma's chuckling accompaniment returns to his bed.

 

***

 

The next few days are spent showing Toma around.  They hike around the surrounding hills, ride their rented bikes through the narrow streets of the old town; one morning Yamapi even tests his own patience trying to teach Toma how to surf.  Sometimes Toma asks a question, such as: "So what are you planning to do if you leave NEWS?  Go solo?" and Yamapi replies with a shrug: "I guess," and then they hike or bike some more or Yamapi yells in utter frustration: "Do you have no sense of balance whatsoever?"  Things are back to normal and they couldn't be better.

 

Today they're at the beach again, though this time, Toma's not conked out from exhaustion.  He's sitting on his beach towel, hunched over the magazine that's spread out in front of him.  The article he's reading must be fascinating, because he hasn't looked up from it in the last five minutes.  Yamapi watches him, an affectionate smile playing around his lips as he contemplates his friend.  A friend who he has grown up with, a friend the likes of which he thinks he'll never meet again.

 

Yamapi's eyes slide from Toma's intently reading face to his shoulders.  He hopes Toma did a better job with the sun block this time.  They're quite broad shoulders for someone as slim as Toma.  And his arms, Yamapi thinks, as his gaze slides further down.  What happened to Toma's arms?  Have they always looked like that or is he just noticing it now?

 

Whoa!  Shocked, Yamapi tears his eyes away from where they were heading.  Was he seriously sitting there checking out his friend?  Shouldn't he be admiring some other curves, like those on all the lovely ladies around?  He quickly scans around, desperate to find someone in bikini he can appreciate safely.  It's almost with relief that he finds two girls nearby playing beach racquetball.  Yes, that's more like it. He sighs as he watches them jump around, but the feeling of well-being doesn't last long.  Why is he not feeling it?  Why is he not getting any pleasure out of watching two pretty girls bouncing around like that?

 

His eyes start to drift towards Toma again, but he firmly calls them back in line and towards the notepad in his lap.  Song!  That's what he should be concentrating on.  The idea for a song he had the other day that he hasn't had a chance to work out yet.  He needs to stop focusing on Toma or the girls and direct his attention towards this song.  Too bad he didn't bring his guitar.

 

Right.  Determined to block out all distractions, he turns onto his stomach.  Out of sight, out of mind, he thinks, as, leaning on his elbows, he gives the notepad in front of him an annoyed glare.  Come on, inspiration, hit me; it's almost a plea directed at the paper.  He reads over the lines of lyrics he's already written down, frantically searching his mind for an image to follow them.  The image that pops into his head though is pale, muscled arms and a ridiculously narrow waist.

 

No, no, no!  Yamapi shakes his head and closes his eyes.  What the hell is wrong with him?  It's as if he's never seen Toma in swimming trunks.  He's seen Toma naked, for fuck's sake.  It's never caused this tingly feeling in his stomach before.  With a groan, he falls face-down onto his notepad, giving up all pretense of working on his song.

 

He's just lying there, his face pressed to the paper, trying to make sense of what's going on when he's violently jerked out of his thoughts by something cold and unpleasant landing on his back. 

 

"Sorry," Toma says, in response to Yamapi's undignified yelp, "I should have warmed it between my hands first."

 

And before Yamapi can think what's going on, there are indeed warm hands spreading the gooey stuff all across Yamapi's back.

 

"You rant at me for not using enough sun block," Toma adds, "and now here you are sunbathing without any on yourself."

 

Yamapi should say something, shouldn't he?  He can't think of anything, though.  All his senses are focused on the warm sensation of Toma's warm hands on his skin, robbing him of any coherent thought.  Maybe he should tell Toma to stop?  He opens his mouth to do just that when Toma reaches a particularly sensitive part of Yamapi's body, right there at the small of his back and all that comes out of Yamapi's mouth is a groan of pleasure.  Yamapi closes his eyes in mortification.  Could this get more embarrassing?

 

One thing is certain: Toma knows how to use those hands of his.  Yamapi is literally biting his lip to keep any more groans inside, but damn, it's not easy.  It feels so good.  It's relaxing and setting Yamapi's body on fire all at the same time.  He doesn't think he can take much more, but oh, sweet lord, it feels so good.

 

"There."  With that word the sweet torture stops and the hands are gone.  It almost produces a sigh of relief from Yamapi.  Or maybe it's disappointment.

 

So what to do now?  He should at least acknowledge it, right?  "Uh, thanks, Toma."  He clears his throat when the words come out in a croak.

 

"No worries," Toma says.  He sounds normal, like nothing out of the ordinary happened.  Maybe to Toma it didn't.  No doubt Toma sees it as nothing other than returning a favour. 

 

Turning his head a little bit sideways, Yamapi peeks from under his bangs towards Toma.  He's back on his beach towel, perusing his magazine again.  Huh. 

 

Under cover of his own hair, Yamapi can't help staring a little longer at Toma.  Same guy he's always known, check.   Very good-looking, yes, but still very male; those skimpy swimming trunks leave no doubt about that, check.  And OK, it's not like it would be the first time Yamapi's found himself attracted to a guy, but this is Toma.  Why him?  Why now?

 

While these thoughts are running through Yamapi's head, Toma licks his lips; the sight of it sends a shock of such intense feeling through Yamapi that he sucks in a gasp.  As if that's not bad enough, the sound makes Toma look towards him.  For a moment their eyes meet, a question in Toma's.  In that instant Yamapi is sure that Toma can read every single thought inside his head; he's expecting Toma to walk off in disgust any moment now, but it doesn't happen.  The question remains in Toma's expression.

 

"Yamashita?" he finally asks.

 

The sigh Yamapi heaves this time is definitely one of relief.  It would seem Yamapi's hair did a perfect job hiding his eyes.  "Just got a cramp in my leg, that's all," he quickly lies.

 

Toma's brow briefly furrows, as if he knows that Yamapi isn't telling the truth, but then he smiles.  "OK, sorry to hear that."  Still turned towards Yamapi he smacks his lips.  Seriously?  Is he doing this on purpose?  "My mouth's a little dry," Toma announces.  "I'm getting myself a snow cone at that stand over there.  You want one?"

 

From some place within, Yamapi finds enough presence of mind to nod, sitting up as he does so.  "Yeah, that would go down a treat right now." 

 

He bites his lip as Toma stands up from his beach towel.  He tries not to check out his friend, but it's not that easy when Toma is standing there looking so delicious with all of that pale skin on display.  With a shake, Yamapi snaps himself out of it before Toma can turn back towards him.

 

"What flavour do you want?" Toma asks.

 

"Surprise me," Yamapi replies with a smile.  A very forced smile, because the moment the word flavour comes out of Toma's mouth, Yamapi is wondering what all that pale skin before him tastes like and that thought is enough to make his own mouth go dry.  That snow cone can't get here fast enough.

 

Things still get worse when Toma bends over to retrieve his wallet from his bag and this is when Yamapi seriously starts to contemplate the possibility that he's really doing it on purpose.  What other explanation is there for Toma practically thrusting that round little bottom of his at Yamapi like that?  He could have taken out his wallet before he stood up.  Yamapi almost bites clean through his lip in an effort to keep the groan inside. 

 

A moment later Yamapi is still staring after Toma, even though his slim figure has vanished from his sight. 'What the hell was that?' he keeps asking himself.  Where the hell did it come from?  One moment Toma's one of his best friends who he can talk to about anything, the next Yamapi is salivating over every move Toma makes.  Is it because Yamapi hasn't been getting any lately?  If that were it, wouldn't he be drooling over all the scantily dressed Italian babes instead of his oldest friend?

 

With a groan he lowers himself onto his back on his beach towel and squeezes his eyes shut, not just against the sun but to block out the thoughts racing through his head.  By the time Toma returns and holds a snow cone out to him, his thoughts have still not settled.

 

***

 

"Have you ever felt suddenly attracted to someone you weren't before?"

 

The bar is quiet tonight.  From her spot behind the bar, where's she been hanging out chatting with him for quite some time, Gina gives him a dubious look.  For a moment Yamapi worries that she might think he was talking about her.  He's already stammering his way through a denial, when she speaks and eases his mind.

 

"I should have known," she says with an exaggerated sigh.  "Why are all the good ones gay?"

 

Yamapi's brief relief makes way for indignation.  "I'm not gay!"  He almost immediately gives in when she gives him an unimpressed look.  "OK, maybe I'm a little bisexual."

 

"A little bisexual?" she asks, chuckling.  "Is that like being a little pregnant?"  Yamapi pulls a face at her; in response her expression turns placating.  "Don't worry about it," she says.  "It's quite understandable.  He is very good-looking."

 

"You said semi-good-looking the other day," he mumbles under his breath.  It's only after the words have left his mouth that he realises that not only Gina knew exactly who he meant, but that he unwittingly confirmed her suspicion.  The smile she sends him is smug. 

 

Realising that there's no point in denying, he throws himself completely into his confession.  "I don't get it," he whines, burying his face in his hands.  After he's indulged in a deep sigh, he peeks up to give Gina a pitiful look.  "He's been my best friend almost as long as I can remember.  I love him, but not in the wanna-rip-his-clothes-off way.  Or at least I didn't use to.  Now all I can think about when I see him is how his naked skin would feel against mine."  With another self-pitying sigh he lowers his head until his forehead is resting on the bar. 

 

"Has anything between you changed lately?"

 

Without raising his head, Yamapi ponders the question.  "He's followed me to Italy," he thinks out loud.  That was a significant moment; it made Yamapi realise just how far Toma was willing to go for him.

 

"And you realised he loves you as much as you love him?"

 

"Yeah..."  Except, no, he's always known that; it's not brand-new information.  With a frustrated snort, he sits up and looks at Gina.  There's only an expression of concern and inquisitiveness to be found on her face.  That's why she's so good at her job, he guesses.  People just naturally want to open up to her. 

 

And that's the moment when it's revealed to him, like some light bulb going off inside his head.  Her expression changes to one of wonder; no doubt she must have seen the realisation in his face.

 

"The other night we talked about something, something that's been hanging over our heads for years and we always avoided because it was too painful for both of us."  His excitement grows as the words flow out of him; the corresponding excitement in Gina's expression encourages him on further.  "It was as closely connected as I've ever felt with another human being.  It went beyond anything sexual.  It was... It was..."  His voice trails off as he tries to find the right words to express what he felt that night. It's even more difficult in a foreign language. "It was like our souls touched."

 

"Your souls touched?"  She's not mocking him, but the tone of her voice suggests that it amuses her. 

 

He waves his hand in front of his face distractedly and pulls a face.  "I don't know how else to explain it."  He gives her a hopeful look; maybe she'll have the answer to all his questions.  "Do you think something started right there?"

 

Gina's about to say something, but then her gaze turns to something over Yamapi's shoulder and when the words she intended to say don't come out, Yamapi knows Toma just appeared behind them.  He turns his head just in time to watch Toma sit down on the bar stool beside him.

 

"Hey," Yamapi says in greeting.  He tries to smile, all the while wondering if the insecurity he's feeling is right there in his face, but damn, has Toma always smelled this good?  Yamapi has to refrain from burying his nose in Toma's neck and sniffing him like a dog.

 

Toma gives him a puzzled look.  Damn, Toma always could read him like a book.  "Hey," he returns the greeting.  It would appear he's reading the mood correctly, because, as he casts an uncertain look from Yamapi to Gina and back again, he asks: "Did I interrupt something?" 

 

"No, no, no," Yamapi assures quickly.  Too quickly, it would seem, because the frown on Toma's face only deepens.  "So how are things at home?" he changes the subject.  "Your mum and dad and brother OK?" 

 

The suspicious look lasts another moment, but then Toma appears to let it go and turns to the phone call he just made to Japan.  "Yeah, everything OK.  Explained what's going on to my mum and she's..."  He smiles as he seems to recall his mum's words.  "She's more or less OK with it."

 

"Yeah, your mum is cool," Yamapi agrees.  Toma eyes him with a smirk, as if he's wondering if Yamapi's being sarcastic, but he's really not.  He means what he said.  He's always liked Toma's mum.

 

Gina, who disappeared for a moment while they were talking, returns and deposits one of her pink concoctions in front of Toma without him even asking for one, and proving that she's a master at reading the mood, she vanishes again, leaving them to talk in peace.  Toma sips his drink.  He, too, seems to have completely taken it as a given that Gina can read people's minds. 

 

And that brings another line of questions in Yamapi's mind, something he's been wondering about ever since... well, this whole strange attraction thing started.

 

"You never told me," he says.  "What happened with you and Yuriko?"

 

The look in Toma's eyes turns withdrawn for a moment, as, with what's supposed to look like a disinterested shrug, Toma turns away from him.  "Ah, you know how it goes," he says.  "You have to act in love and for a while it becomes real and you think you really are."  Yamapi nods in understanding; yeah, he's been there.  "But then your paths separate again and you realise, it was just a thing of the moment, a byproduct of playing lovers."

 

That's what happened between him and Keiko, Yamapi remembers.  "Feelings start to fade once you stop spending every day together."

 

"Yeah."  Toma sighs.  "At first you make arrangements to meet up, but after a while you start wondering why you still bother to pretend."  Suddenly, his gloomy mood changes and he turns towards Yamapi, his eyes sparkling with mischief.  "So what about you?"  Yamapi's eyes widen in surprise; his heart starts beating out of control.  "Ryo thinks you've got a girl up here, but I'm starting to wonder if you ran away from one."

 

His heart slowly finds its own rhythm again.  "No girl," he says, "neither here nor there."  A boy?  Well...

 

Before Yamapi can even finish that thought, Toma snorts out a breath.  "Yeah, I'll believe that."

 

"Toma," Yamapi says impatiently, "nobody knows who I am."

 

Toma gives him an incredulous look.  "Yeah, and besides you being famous and popular, there's no other reason why anyone would want to sleep with you.  Being hot and gorgeous and an all-round amazing guy is so overrated these days."  The words are followed by a blinding smile, one that Yamapi realises he should respond to by laughing at Toma's silliness, but he suddenly feels hot all over.  Toma thinks he's hot and gorgeous?

 

He tries to speak, but the only thing that comes out is a squeaked: "Eeeh?"  He thought he felt hot before, but steam practically comes out of his ears when Toma gives him a slow once-over. 

 

"The Italian sun has been very good to you," he finally says.

 

"Eeeh?" is again the only thing that makes it out of Yamapi's mouth. 

 

Toma shakes his head and waves his hand in Yamapi's general direction.  "Your tan.  It's very becoming."

 

OK, Yamapi's pretty sure he can't handle much more of this.  Ducking his head, he turns away from Toma.  "I didn't come to Italy to get laid, Toma.  I can do that at home."

 

Toma's mood sobers too.  "Yeah," he says softly.  "I know.  You came to get away from things."  There's a comfortable silence for a moment, but then Yamapi startles when Toma elbows him playfully.  "Come on, Yamashita!  Really?  No sex since you've been here?"

 

Why is that so hard to believe?  "I haven't really been in the mood, that's all," he says with a shrug.

 

Toma again gives him that incredulous look.  "Not in the mood," he scoffs.  "Is there even such a thing?"

 

"Well, OK..."  Not sure how to continue, Yamapi shuffles back and forth on his barstool.  "I guess I have been thinking about it lately."  His head bent down, he gives Toma a sideways look.

 

Toma's face gets that "Ahah!  I knew it!" look, before it turns to alarm as his eyes find Gina behind the bar.  "Not...?"

 

"No!  No!"  Yamapi wildly waves his hand around.  "Don't even go there!  Geez, Toma!"

 

"OK, OK."  Toma holds up his hands in surrender.  "I just haven't seen you with any other girl since I got here."

 

"Maybe it's not a girl."  Wait!  Did he say that out loud?  Yeah, muttered under his breath, but surely Toma must have heard.  He can't look at Toma.  He keeps his eyes locked on his drink as he lifts it to take a sip.  His heart is beating out of control.  He actually said it.  And Toma must have heard.  It becomes physically impossible to turn his head; he doesn't want to see the look of disgust on Toma's face.

 

His attention is distracted by an arm landing around his shoulder as Gina's face appears between Toma's and Yamapi's.  "I've got a fantastic proposition for you two," she says.  This forces Yamapi to turn his head; he braces himself before he does so, but gasps when he sees nothing but curiosity on Toma's face.  Gina's other arm is around Toma's shoulder and his face is turned towards her to listen to what she's got to say.  Could it be that he didn't hear Yamapi?

 

"Threesome?" Yamapi blurts out.  Shit, what the hell is wrong with him?  He was hoping a joke would get him out of this mess, but geez, does he have a death wish?

 

Fortunately Toma is distracted by the way Gina clips Yamapi over the head.  "In your dreams, stupid," she says, her voice reprimanding.  "My friend Angela is celebrating her birthday on Friday and she's hired a yacht for the party.  Wanna come?"

 

"A yacht?!"  He's so stunned he's starting to forget about feeling awkward.

 

"Yeah."  Now that she's got their attention Gina straightens and beams at them.  "We're all taking the day off from work and spending it on the sea."

 

Wow, that's a great idea.  He quickly exchanges a look with Toma who gives him a "sounds like fun" look in return.  Yamapi is getting more and more convinced that Toma didn't hear him.  Maybe he can breathe easy after all.  Though, a part of him is also disappointed.  Will he ever work up the nerve to confess again?

 

"Which one is Angela again?" he asks, trying to distract his own thoughts.

 

Gina turns and points towards a corner of the bar.  "She's over there.  You two met her the other night."

 

Oh, right, the pretty one with the long hair and the sarcasm.  Yamapi liked her a lot.  "Yeah, sounds like fun.  Toma?"

 

Toma nods.  "Count me in."

 

"Great!"  With those words, she pulls both of them off their bar stools and towards the table in the corner.  "There.  Go sit with her.  I'll join you as soon as I'm finished and then..."  She interrupts herself to wiggle her hips.  "We're going dancing!"

 

Yamapi rolls his eyes as he watches her go, but when he turns back, Toma is grinning.  "What?"

 

"You were looking for a Jin-replacement, weren't you?" Toma teases gently.

 

"Oh..."  Unable to think of anything clever, he gives up.  "Shut up," he grumbles as Toma starts laughing.  Yeah, Yamapi thinks with a sinking heart, Toma didn't hear Yamapi's semi-confession.

 

***

 

Somewhere around his fifth beer Yamapi starts to revise that verdict.  Not that the amount of beer he's been drinking has anything to do with that revision.  No, Yamapi just happens to be at the club's bar, having taken a break from the dance floor, ordering another beer when he feels a presence close at his back.  Too close, is his first annoyed evaluation, until he smells the distinctive odour of Toma's cologne and that is when a heat rises all the way up his body.  What is Toma doing plastered so close to him that Yamapi can feel Toma's breath against the back of his neck?  And as soon as he registers that sensation, his body freezes and his mind goes into lockdown.

 

He has so much trouble processing thought that it takes several minutes before he realises that Toma is whispering something in his ear.  And yeah, that's not helping his brain to work either.  Is Toma singing along with the song?

 

With every single brain cell still working Yamapi focuses on the song playing, on the words being whispered in his ear.  The moment the words become distinguishable, his whole body feels like it's turning to jelly, as Yamapi's breath gets stuck in his throat.

 

"Ain't nobody loves you like I love you," are the words being sung into his ear again and again. "Cause there ain't no one like you."

 

Yamapi can't breathe.  He's just standing there with his mouth open like a stranded fish, gasping for air.  The bartender deposits a beer in front of him, but Yamapi barely notices, even when the guy starts yelling at him over the loud music to pay already.  Yamapi can't hear him; all he hears is the breathy words in his ear, setting every inch of his body on fire.  Oh, hell, he's getting light-headed now.  The room is starting to spin.

 

And that's when it suddenly stops, both the music and the voice in his ear.  Yamapi blinks at the sudden disappearance and as his mind starts to clear he realises the presence at his back is gone too.  Another song starts up as Yamapi swirls around, but there's no one there.  He scans the bodies around him, but none of them is that distinct, immediately recognisable shape of Toma.  What the hell?  Did he imagine all that?  He starts to move to go after Toma, but someone grabs him by the collar of his T-shirt and yanks him back.  Oh, right, the bartender!

 

Once he's thrown some euro coins onto the bar, he grabs his beer and goes off in search of Toma.  Either Yamapi's a bigger lightweight than he thought or Toma just tried to get a message across.  When he reaches their table, he jerks back in surprise.  Toma is sitting right there, between Angela and a blond friend, just the way Yamapi left him.  There's nothing in his body language that would suggest he was all over Yamapi just a few minutes ago.  Even his expression, as he turns away from his conversation with the blond girl to face Yamapi, betrays nothing.  What the hell?

 

"Yamashita, you selfish twit," he says with a lilt in his voice that suggests he's had one too many as well.  He points an unsteady finger towards Yamapi's beer.  "Where's mine?"

 

Seriously, what the hell?!  Yamapi spends a moment staring from Toma to his beer and back to Toma, utterly unable to connect the dots.  When he does, a fire starts burning his cheeks, though he's not sure if it's from the booze, embarrassment or plain anger.  He deposits the glass onto the table with such force  the beer sloshes over the edge.

 

"It's all yours," he says, his voice tight as he tries to control the feelings raging inside him.  And without another word he turns.  He needs to find some fresh air, before his brain explodes.

 

***

 

That's where Gina finds him fifteen minutes later, when she comes out for a smoke.  Just outside the doorway she stops to light up a cigarette, and as she looks around, Yamapi can see the surprise on her face when she finds him leaning against the wall.  The cool fresh air hit his inebriated head so hard, he had to seek support from the cold brick.

 

"Hey," she says, as she comes closer.  "What are you doing here?"

 

"Losing my mind," he replies honestly.  For the last fifteen minutes he's been standing here... well, slouching against the wall more accurately, trying to work out whether what happened at the bar was real or only in his drunk imagination, and he's nowhere closer to an answer than he was at the start.  Maybe he should ask Toma, but how the hell do you lead into a question like that?  Toma, were you declaring your love in song just now or am I going crazy?

 

Maybe it wasn't even Toma.  Maybe some other guy was trying to get it on with him, someone who happened to be wearing the same cologne as Toma.  After all, there must be more people wearing that same fragrance.  But oh, it was Toma's voice, of that there was no mistake. 

 

As Yamapi shakes his head, Gina takes a drag from her cigarette, contemplating him.  She turns her head away from him to blow it out again.  "Are you sure you're not just very drunk?"

 

For some reason that makes him start giggling like a lunatic.  "No, I'm not sure at all." 

 

As Gina too starts laughing, she pats him on the shoulder.  "Come on, Tomo," she says.  "You'll feel better in the morning.  Or worse, as the case may be," she adds, her voice suddenly gaining a disturbingly sadistic tone.  "A lot lot worse."

 

***

 

Worse, a lot lot worse, it is.  They both wake the next morning with the mother of all hangovers, proof that Toma matched him drink for drink last night.  Yamapi's head feels like there's a tribe playing drums inside it and his tongue feels like something died in the back of his throat.  His only hope is that Toma feels just as bad as he does.  He deserves it.

 

They haven't talked about what happened.  Or at least, Yamapi hasn't brought up what he thinks has happened.  He's still in bed, feeling sorry for himself, while listening to Toma trying to brush his teeth without killing himself.  He takes a perverse pleasure in listening to the occasional "Ow, ow, my head," that drifts towards him through the open bathroom door.  Or he would, if his own head wasn't trying to do him in as well.

 

"I'm never having another drink for as long as I live," Yamapi vows to the ceiling above. 

 

That elicits laughter from the bathroom, immediately followed by an: "Ow!  Don't make me laugh, Yamashita!  It makes my head hurt even more."

 

Serves you right, Yamapi thinks meanly. 

 

"Yamashita?"

 

Yamapi sits up to find Toma standing in the doorway.  He's in pajama bottoms, but his upper body is completely bare.  And damn, those pajama bottoms are riding low on Toma's hips.  It takes real effort for Yamapi not to swallow his own tongue.  If Toma's doing this on purpose, he's got a vicious streak Yamapi never knew about.

 

"What?"  He hopes he doesn't sound as testy as he feels.

 

"Just how much did we have to drink last night?" Toma asks.  He's leaning against the door frame now, one hip jutting out and damn, Yamapi really hopes Toma doesn't know what he's doing or so help him, Yamapi is going to kill him. 

 

"No more than usual, I think."

 

Toma huffs.  "Your usual with Jin or Ryo, perhaps.  I really can't keep up with you guys."  With a shrug he turns and disappears back into the bathroom.  "I can barely even remember what happened last night."

 

That makes Yamapi sit up straight and pay real attention for the first time since waking up.  "You don't?"  His voice sounds wheezy and stammering to his own ears.

 

"Nah," comes the disembodied voice from the bathroom.  "Maybe it's for the better."  Toma chuckles lightly, but his next words are drowned out when he turns on the water tap.

 

"What?"  In his eagerness Yamapi gets out of bed and moves towards the bathroom door.  His headache has lost importance. 

 

"I said you'll have to fill me in.  Assuming you remember more than I do."

 

His back against the wall, Yamapi listens to Toma's chuckle, trying to get his heart to slow down.  "What do you remember?"

 

Toma sticks his head out of the door again.  He's momentarily startled to find Yamapi so close, but then smiles.  "Could it be that I came on to someone?  There's a vague image in my head of dancing very close to someone."

 

Yamapi hopes with all his might that his expression doesn't betray his racing heart and stalling breath.  "Do you know who it was?"

 

Toma shakes his head and then retreats back to the bathroom; Yamapi lets out a sigh that seems to come from the bottom of his soles.  "Obviously I wasn't to their liking," Toma says, "or I wouldn't have woken up with you this morning."

 

Yamapi has to resist the urge to start banging his head against the wall in sheer frustration.  It seems more and more impossible that Toma is unaware of what happened.  From somewhere he finds the calmness to keep his conversation with Toma going.

 

"Still," Yamapi says, "it's not very like you to pick someone up for the night at a club."

 

"Ah," Toma replies, and Yamapi can see the accompanying shrug as surely as if Toma was standing beside him.  "Drink makes you do things you would normally never consider doing when sober."

 

Like declaring your love for your best friend, Yamapi thinks, closing his eyes as sadness sweeps through him.  "Maybe we should get you drunk more often," he ventures, insanely proud of himself when his voice comes out light and neutral.

 

"Nah," Toma says, and again his head appears in the doorway to grin at Yamapi.  "When I make a move on someone, I want to remember it."

 

It's a good thing Toma immediately ducks back into the bathroom.  This way he doesn't witness the undignified spectacle of Yamapi sliding down the wall until he drops onto his ass on the floor.  And that's when he does start banging his head against the wall.

 

***

 

So, OK, it shouldn't be too hard to put two and two together, Yamapi thinks, letting the hot shower spray hit his body in all the right places.  Toma loves him.  He's not only proven so many times in many actions, but he's now also confessed it in words.  OK, so he needs to be drunk first and doesn't even remember doing it, but that's just a minor detail.  All Yamapi has to do is figure out how to produce the same result without the help of alcohol.  It shouldn't be that hard.

 

Bending his head into the spray, Yamapi lets the water splash through his hair and down his face.  Maybe he should walk into that room next door stark naked.  That should get a reaction.  The sight of Toma in pajama bottoms was enough to have Yamapi salivating, so maybe he should up the ante for Toma.  He shakes his head, splashing water everywhere.  No, that won't work.  Too much too soon.  It would probably only help to scare Toma even further away.

 

So what else is there to do?  Turning his back to the spray he tilts his head back to let the hot water wash and soothe him all over.  Maybe he should start by making it clear to Toma that the thought of boy love doesn't exactly fill him with horror, that in fact he has on occasion participated in boy love himself and quite enjoyed it.  Not enough to turn it into a lifestyle, but...

 

With a frustrated groan, Yamapi braces himself against the shower stall wall with both hands and lets the water pummel down his back.  What is he doing?  This is all just nuts.  He should leave well enough alone.  His friendship with Toma is just perfect the way it is.  Why does he want to jeopardize that for the sake of sex?  Incredibly hot sex, true, he's convinced of that, but with the potential to destroy everything they've got between them.

 

Or, the thought occurs to him as he lifts his head, to add a whole new dimension to their friendship that would be worth taking the risk.  And when it comes down to it, Yamashita Tomohisa has never backed down from a challenge; thrives on them in fact.  No, Yamapi decides, as he turns off the water and steps out of the shower.  He can't let this go.  If Toma feels the same way he does, they owe it to each other to explore those feelings.  To let them lie by the wayside, to wither and die, would be like spitting in the face of life.  He'd rather regret something he did than something he didn't do. 

 

His skin starts tingling as he dries himself, but it's with a new vigour and anticipation.  He's made up his mind.  This thing with Toma, it's worth the risk.  It has to be.  He'll just have to figure out some way to get the message across to Toma.  And if Toma doesn't feel brave enough to say the words, at least not without the aid of alcohol, Yamapi is just going to find the courage within himself to do it for him.

 

***

 

It's another hot, sunny day in this sleepy Italian beach resort.  Most tourists aren't even awake yet as Toma and Yamapi walk down a semi-deserted street towards the town square.  Today's plan is to visit an olive grove Yamapi found in his tour book, but it means they will have to take a bus there.  At this point, though, Yamapi doesn't mind being in a crowd.  He still has a lot of thinking to do before he confronts Toma with his findings.

 

Not a lot of conversation is passing between the two of them, but it never feels uncomfortable.  It's nice to listen to the birds in the trees, take in the sounds and smells around them, nod a buongiorno to the occasional passerby.  When they do speak it's to point out how different the local architecture is to what they're used to back home or fuss over a dog lying in the shades of a tree. 

 

Now that he's no longer conflicted about his desires, Yamapi feels free to drink in the sight of Toma in his customary costume of bermuda jeans, T-shirt and flipflops.  Well, in a discreet way, that is.  He can't help marveling how long it took him to notice how hot Toma is.  Not just in a physical sense, with the way the sleeves of his T-shirt wrap tightly around his muscular arms or the way he appears to undulate rather than walk.  No, he can make Yamapi's heart skip a beat with a mere smile or the sound of his voice.  Every time he catches a whiff of Toma's scent it goes straight to Yamapi's head. 

 

It makes him smile.  He'd almost forgotten how intoxicating it feels to be in love.

 

The closer they get to the seaside, the more half-naked sun-worshippers cross their path and suddenly Yamapi sees the perfect opening.  "Whoa," he says, as a strapping, bronzed, shirtless Italian walks their way.  "I wish I had that guy's physique."

 

Toma huffs; for a moment Yamapi expects a mocking 'in your dreams, Yamashita.'  He's totally unprepared when Toma says: "You're way hotter than that guy!"  It comes out with such unreserved conviction that Yamapi can't help beaming at Toma.  "What?  It's true!"  And OK, that shouldn't make Yamapi grin harder, but it does.  "Ack!"  Toma shoves him playfully.  "I don't know why I feed your ego.  It's gigantic enough as it is."

 

If Yamapi were a thirteen-year-old girl he'd be skipping the rest of the way.  Fortunately, his phone starts ringing at that exact moment, taking away any danger of Yamapi proving he actually is a thirteen-year-old girl.

 

"Ryo," he tells Toma, after he's glanced at the display screen. 

 

"I'll go ahead," Toma says.

 

As he presses the reply button and puts the phone to his ear, Yamapi waves at Toma that it's OK, he shouldn't go, but Toma waves back and puts some distance between them anyway.  "Hey, Ryo."

 

"Hey, Yamapi.  Just thought I'd check if you've found yourself yet." 

 

Any other time the impatient note in Ryo's voice would have pissed Yamapi off, but he's feeling way too good to let it get to him.  "I'm getting closer," he admits, his eyes lingering on the slender form walking ahead of him.  It's true, he realises.  As soon as this thing with Toma is resolved, Yamapi will have found himself as well.

 

"Yeah?"  Ryo's voice becomes notably more elated.  "You finally banged that girl?"

 

Not yet, Yamapi thinks wickedly, his gaze still on Toma, and indulges in a private grin.  "Ryo, how many times do I have to tell you..."

 

"There's no girl," Ryo finishes for him in a mimicking, mocking voice.  "Yeah, yeah, whatever.  Look, this call isn't exactly cheap and they want me in front of the camera in about five minutes, so..."

 

"I'm thinking about leaving NEWS," Yamapi blurts out, drowning out Ryo's words.  There.  He's said it.  He blows out a deep breath, as he waits for Ryo's reaction.  It takes a while to come; Yamapi holds his breath in anticipation of getting the full Ryo-anger-treatment.

 

Finally, a soft: "I'm glad."

 

Yamapi startles.  "You're glad?"

 

"Yeah.  You finally said it, Pi.  I've been waiting for it for months."

 

What?  "But..."

 

"The truth is," Ryo speaks over him, "I've been thinking about it too."

 

Whoa.  It's too much for Yamapi to process.  The only thing he manages to utter is a parroted: "You have?"

 

"Yeah.  Look, they need me on set.  We'll talk about it when you get home.  Don't leave the guys hanging too long, OK?"

 

And as is usual with Ryo, the next moment Yamapi is listening to the dial tone.  His mind is in a turmoil as he makes his way towards where Toma is now admiring a rosebush, waiting for Yamapi.  Here he was, beating himself up because he didn't feel happy or fulfilled with NEWS anymore and he completely failed to notice that Ryo was feeling the same.  What kind of friend does that make him?  He just ran away, while Ryo had to cope with those same feelings, but while in the middle of his first getsuku and his Kanjani8 activities.

 

As he approaches, Toma turns and smiles.  Noticing the look on Yamapi's face, his smile instantly fades away.  "What's wrong?"

 

For a moment Yamapi loves him so much he thinks his heart's going to burst.  "Looks like Ryo and I are leaving NEWS."  Wow, it sounds so final, now that he's said it out loud.

 

The look on Toma's face turns sympathetic.  "I'm sorry, Tomo."

 

It's so rare for Toma to call him by his first name - Toma keeps it for special occasions - that something bittersweet bursts inside Yamapi's chest.  He shrugs.  "It was coming."

 

***

 

Their day at the olive grove is spent tasting local cheese, freshly baked focaccia drizzled with the grove's own olive oil and of course plenty of wine.  Drinking and eating, two of Yamapi's favourite pastimes.  He adds a new one: pointing out every hot guy to Toma.  And there's plenty of those to be found, in various states of undress, among Italian farmhands.  It helps to keep his mind off the situation with him and Ryo and NEWS.  The way Toma rolls his eyes and tells him, "Stop fishing for compliments!" every time he does it, helps as well.

 

On the bus on the way back, his mind starts to drift to that phone conversation again and it feels like a cold hand is closing ever more tightly around his heart.  It feels very similar to that night he left Johnny's villa without knowing what he was doing or where he was going.  It's thrilling and frightening all at the same time.

 

"You'll be fine," Toma says, as if he can read his mind.  "You're Yamapi."

 

He's immensely grateful for Toma's show of support and confidence.  "And Ryo will always have Kanjani8," he agrees.  "Tegomasu do OK.  But Koyashige..."

 

"You can't sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of the children."  Toma's voice sounds light and teasing, but there's an undercurrent of sternness running beneath.

 

And Toma's right, of course.  Yamapi really feels like this is the path he needs to take; ever since the decision's been made he's been thinking of work as an exciting, challenging new start, not the oppressing thing it had become.  He's almost starting to feel ready to go home again.

 

"Have I mentioned yet how happy I am that you're here?"  Yamapi means it with all his heart.

 

Toma turns that beaming smile towards him; as always it takes Yamapi's breath away.  "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," he says softly.

 

Yamapi sighs with contentment.  It feels like everything in his life is starting to fall into place.  Just a few weeks ago he felt lost and adrift, but he really is starting to find himself again.  The warm weather in combination with the bounce of the bus is starting to make him feel sleepy. 

 

"I'm a little drowsy," he says, as he struggles to keep his eyes open.

 

"Go to sleep," Toma says, a smile in his voice. 

 

"You don't mind?" Yamapi's voice is already starting to sound slurred.

 

Toma chuckles.  "You used to ride the train listening to your CDs instead of talking to me, remember?  If I didn't mind that, I don't mind you sleeping when you're tired."

 

"You're the best, Toma," Yamapi mumbles.  His head falls sideways and onto Toma's shoulder.  His last thought is that perhaps Toma should mind this particular intimacy, but when he hears nothing but a low, amused laugh, Yamapi smiles and surrenders to sleep.

 

Once they're off the bus and climbing back up the street towards their hotel, Yamapi starts to question his own decision to choose a hotel so far up a hilltop.  Sure, the idea was to hide himself away from prying eyes, but tonight, feeling drowsy from the wine he drank and the new contentment flowing through his veins, he's finding the climb more troublesome than usual.

 

A wicked idea occurs to him.  Emboldened by the way Toma allowed him to sleep against his shoulder, Yamapi closes the distance between them and hooks his arm through Toma's.  When Toma turns to give him a startled look, Yamapi flashes his trademark puppy-dog-look that he knows Toma can't resist.

 

Toma laughs.  "You're very clingy tonight."

 

Yamapi sticks out his lower lip.  "I just need a little support."  He's startled when his words produce a deep sigh from Toma.

 

"I will always support you," Toma says softly. 

 

It's said with such sincerity that it brings a lump to Yamapi's throat.  He wants to say something in return, but there's nothing he can think of to say, so following his heart, he once again puts his head on Toma's shoulder.  Toma doesn't object, just chuckles.

 

"I really shouldn't spoil you like this," Toma says.  He tries to sound stern and disapproving, but Yamapi can hear so much love underneath that it makes him weak. 

 

There's no restlessness now that he's with Toma.  Why did it take him so long to figure that out?  It doesn't really matter.  All that matters is now he does know, he's going to do everything he can to keep holding on to it.

 

***

 

The yacht turns out to be an over-sized motorboat that apparently belongs to a friend of the family and that Angela is allowed to borrow for the day.  It's no less impressive, plus it comes with a skeleton crew, lots of barely dressed pretties of either gender, and most importantly booze and chow.  To be quite honest, Yamapi can't think of a better way to spend a sunny day with not a cloud in the sky than floating on the water on a pleasure craft with his honey by his side.

 

Now if only his honey would get down with the program.  Yes, there has been a fair amount of cuddling up to Toma, but it always seems to come on Yamapi's initiative and though Toma never objects, there doesn't seem to be any reciprocating going on.  It's starting to occur to Yamapi that perhaps he's being too subtle.

 

By the time they've done the rounds, chatted with every one they know and quite a few people they're meeting for the first time, downed a glass or two of champagne and nibbled on the extensive assortment of canapés, several hours have passed, at which time they start to spread across the boat finding their own spot to sunbathe.  Toma and Yamapi have been assigned the bow of the boat; neither of them are upset about the decision.

 

Yamapi tries not to stare while Toma pulls his T-shirt over his head, revealing that smooth chest that is starting to gain a little bit more colour from his exposure to the Italian sun.  Even though Yamapi knows he's wearing swimming trunks underneath, Toma chooses to keep his shorts on.  Yamapi can't help sulking in disappointment.

 

It quickly turns to a strange mix of lust and irritation when Toma bends down to arrange his towel just so.  Is it really necessary to keep shoving his ass at Yamapi like that?  There is no way Toma isn't getting some sick satisfaction from watching Yamapi squirm; he's sure of it.  That conviction grows only stronger when Toma sits down on his towel, digs a tube of sunscreen from his bag and starts schmearing it all over himself with such meticulousness it's driving Yamapi insane.

 

Of course, he could ignore it, and that is exactly what he's trying to do, but time and time again his gaze is drawn back to Toma and every time he thinks that surely Toma must have covered every inch of that gorgeously smooth skin of his by now, he finds that no, he's still schmearing.  A few times he has to almost physically restrain himself from snatching the tube from Toma's hands and hitting him over the head with it.

 

Finally, he can't take anymore.  "Are you gonna squirt the whole tube on you or are you going to leave some for me?"

 

Toma raises his eyebrow at the testiness in Yamapi's voice, but then, just as Yamapi thinks he can't get more evil, he holds out the tube to Yamapi.  "Just my shoulders left.  You know how sensitive they are to sunburn.  Will you do it?"

 

Reaching out his hand to take the tube, Yamapi silently calls Toma every dirty name in the book.  He shuffles closer on his knees and squeezes the tube with such force that a big blob lands on Toma's shoulder.  He tries very hard to hold onto his irritation, but the moment he touches a hand to Toma's sun-warmed skin his bad mood quickly starts to fade away.  Who can stay angry when Toma's skin feels so warm and good? 

 

Before he can get too swept up in the feeling, he quickly finishes the job and turns his back to Toma.  Doing his best to ignore Toma's presence, he starts applying the sun block to himself.

 

"Give it here," Toma says, once Yamapi's finished all the body parts he can reach himself.  "I'll do your back for you."

 

And boy, is that dangerous territory that Yamapi would rather avoid.  "That's OK," he says, trying to smile and knowing how fake it must look.  "I'm going to lie on my back."  And studiously avoiding Toma's gaze, he puts on his sunglasses and does just that.

 

Even though his sunglasses are shielding his eyes, Yamapi has his eyes closed against the bright sun.  With the heat and the swaying motion of the boat, it's hard not to fall asleep.  His mind in that half-awake state, the sounds of the others are starting to drift away.  It almost feels as if it's just the two of them in their own little world, far away from Japan and its obligations.

 

"Don't you feel like this is a different world where anything could happen?"

 

He's not expecting a reply from Toma.  He's actually pretty sure that Toma has already fallen asleep, and maybe that is why he spoke the words in the first place, secure in the knowledge that Toma wouldn't hear them. 

 

As expected, there's no reply from Toma; Yamapi turns his head to the side to look at him, but the happy smile vanishes from his face in shock at what he finds.  Toma is not asleep.  He's lying on his side, watching Yamapi so intently, with such naked emotion in his eyes, that it takes Yamapi's breath away.  As Yamapi tears his sunglasses off his face, Toma, looking shocked that he got caught, starts to turn away.

 

"No!" Yamapi says firmly.

 

Toma turns back, more out of surprise at the harshness in Yamapi's voice than anything else, it would seem. "No?" 

 

Turning onto his side as well, Yamapi shakes his head in helpless confusion.  "Yes.  I mean, no, don't turn away, Toma."  Holding Toma's gaze with his own, he slides closer until they're lying so close their faces almost touch.  "What did I tell you about holding back?  Hiding your feelings?"

 

A trace of a smile starts to appear on Toma's face.  "Not to do it?"

 

Yamapi returns the smile gratefully.  He can't help noticing how Toma's eyes are glued to Yamapi's mouth.  "That's a good boy," he says kindly. 

 

Reasonably assured, he slowly reaches out his hand and puts it gently on Toma's cheek.  He's gratified to see Toma close his eyes, lean into the touch.  From there it only feels natural to kiss him, and so that's precisely what Yamapi does.  There's no fear or doubt in his mind anymore, only absolute certainty at the rightness of this moment, as he uses the hand on Toma's cheek to pull him in and touches his lips lightly to Toma's.  No pressure, no doubt, just a tender connection.

 

One soft, chaste kiss, just lips meeting lips and Yamapi is just marveling at how soft Toma's lips are when the touch of them is suddenly gone.  He doesn't even get a chance to feel disappointment; no sooner are the lips gone than they're back and Yamapi's heart goes into overdrive.  That was totally Toma.  Toma's responding to his kiss, Yamapi realises with elation.

 

And that's pretty much where Yamapi stops thinking and lets his instincts take over.  His hand slides to the back of Toma's neck to pull him even closer as their kiss intensifies.  His heart does another leap of joy when he feels Toma's hand slide along Yamapi's side, slowly at first but then with more confidence until it finally comes to rest between Yamapi's shoulder blades.  By then Yamapi has lost all ability to think because there's a tongue in his mouth, leisurely and confidently stroking along his own.

 

He could get lost in the sweetness, the tenderness of this kiss and he probably would have too, for quite some time, if it weren't for the muffled, "Merda!" behind them.

 

The change is too sudden, how they go from holding each other to springing apart in surprise.  Yamapi's first instinct is to look behind him; he finds Gina standing there, now with a sheepish expression on her face.  He immediately turns back to see how Toma is coping.  He's sitting up on his towel, his head bent, not looking at either of them, but there's no sense of shame or regret in his face.  In fact, Yamapi is happy to note the pleased little smile across his lips.  Yes!

 

His concern eased, he turns back to the woman behind him with annoyance.  "Gina!"

 

"Sorry, Tomo," she says  "I just came to warn you guys that they've brought out the food and when I saw you like that it..."  She grimaces.  "It just slipped out."  Her expression turns to exaggerated excitement as she lifts both hands and gives them two thumbs up.  "But way to go!"

 

Yamapi buries his face in his hand, but immediately lifts it again when he hears Toma chuckling.  "Well," Toma says, when Yamapi glares at him, "you have to admit.  It is pretty funny."

 

For a moment Yamapi shares in the sense of amusement, but then Toma makes the mistake of licking his lips, sending such a rush of desire through Yamapi that he mentally starts cursing Gina again for interrupting them.  Oh, right, not like they were going to get very far on a boat full of people.

 

With that thought in mind, he sharply turns to Gina again.  "When is this boat docking again?"

 

"Not for several hours," she says, a commiserating look on her face.  It turns to brief hope.  "But I'll tell the other guys to leave you alone?"

 

"Don't."  Toma's curt reply makes Yamapi snap towards him and stare in horror, but when he finds Toma sending him a beaming and loving smile, some of the anxiety inside is calmed.  Toma shrugs.  "I could eat."  When Yamapi gives him a "how can you think of food at a moment like this?" look, his expression turns more gentle.  "We'll continue..."  He smiles before he proceeds, "this conversation when we've got a little more privacy, Yamashita."

 

"Really?"  Maybe Yamapi sounds like he's begging, but he's not feeling any shame.  The last thing he wants is for this too to be pushed aside again, ignored and blocked for years.

 

"Really," Toma assures.  If the conviction in his voice weren't enough to alleviate the worst of Yamapi's fears, the way Toma takes a step closer and lightly brushes his lips across Yamapi's, right there in front of Gina, certainly should do the trick.

 

He knows he's smiling like an idiot when Toma takes a step back, but he can't seem to help himself.  "Later," Yamapi agrees.

 

***

 

Where the other night he was whining and sulking about the steepness of the hill they have to climb to their hotel, tonight he seems to float up it.  He's bursting to close that hotel room door behind them and - he chuckles to himself - continue their conversation.  As he walks, Yamapi keeps throwing looks and happy smiles at Toma beside him, each time gratified when a similar look is returned his way.  They haven't talked much since Gina interrupted them, but the connection between them feels stronger than ever.  And really, after those interminable hours on the boat, where Yamapi's fingers were aching to touch and he had to keep his hands to himself, words are no longer enough.

 

It seems an eternity later when the door does close behind them and they're alone.  In that moment, as he turns to Toma, who's standing there looking as incapable of words as he is, some of the excitement dies away, to be replaced by insecurity.  His heart beating wildly, he considers that he's never been this nervous with a partner before, not even his first time.

 

"So," Toma finally says, breaking the awkward silence.

 

"So," Yamapi replies, smiling awkwardly. 

 

That breathtaking smile bursts across Toma's face again.  "Smooth, Yamashita," he teases.

 

Yamapi rolls his eyes.  "You're the one who started it," he sulks, but then his eyes widen as the smile slowly fades from Toma's face and he takes a step closer.  The thump-thump in Yamapi's chest speeds even more out of control.  This is it, he thinks, and then stops thinking altogether, because Toma is pulling him closer and kissing him again.

 

This is heaven, it floats through Yamapi's head, as his own arms wrap around Toma to pull him as close as possible and he continues the exploration of Toma's mouth he started on board the boat.  And boy, he doesn't know who taught Toma to kiss like that, but he'll have to remember to send her, or him, a thankyou card.

 

It's quite some time later when Toma pulls back and beholds an increasingly more lightheaded Yamapi.  "Yeah," Toma sighs, the sweetest smile on his lips, "this could work."

 

Something inside Yamapi jumps up and starts doing a victory dance.  "Yeah?" he asks breathlessly. 

 

Maybe Toma's misinterpreted Yamapi's insecurity, because his expression sobers.  He doesn't move out of Yamapi's arms, but says: "It's not too late to forget about this, Yamashita."  The words make a cold shiver run down Yamapi's spine.  "If we stop this now we can still hold onto our friendship, but if we take it any further, it could ruin everything."

 

Yamapi pulls a face.  "Not on your life!"  He says it with such conviction that the smile returns to Toma's lips.  "I'll have you know I'm still friends with everyone I've ever slept with."  Something bright flashes in Toma's eyes.  Maybe he's going too fast, Yamapi realises.  "Uh, I've ever had a relationship with," he quickly backpedals.  His heart leaps when he sees Toma laugh.

 

"Look, Toma," he says, the need to lay all his cards out on the table too big.  "I don't know about you, but it's too late for me to turn back.  I can't go back to being friends with you."  He quickly continues when he sees the shocked expression on Toma's face.  "I'm in love with you, Toma.  I think I have been for a long time, but didn't realise it until you followed me here."

 

"Oh, Tomo," is all Toma says, but it's enough.  There's so much love to be read in his face that he doesn't have to say anything else. 

 

It's several kisses later that something else starts to occur to Yamapi.  "You don't appear to be too bothered with the whole guy-thing," he points out, drawing back a bit to squint into Toma's face.  At this point they have found themselves drifting to Toma's bed and are lying close together on top of the covers.

 

Grinning, Toma leans closer and darts a quick kiss to Yamapi's nose.  "Sorry to disappoint you, but you're not exactly my first."

 

With mock irritation, Yamapi glares at him.  "And I thought I knew everything about you."

 

Toma returns the glare.  "You should talk.  How did I not know about this tendency of yours?"

 

Yamapi lifts his nose haughtily.  "Because I haven't tended towards it that often."

 

"Well, neither have I," Toma says, laughing, which starts Yamapi laughing as well.  "Though, maybe, I should have had my suspicions about you when you wrote that 'Lick him like mayonnaise' lyric."

 

Yamapi pulls a face, but then, as retaliation for Toma's joke, leans in and licks across Toma's neck.  What's supposed to make Toma squirm backfires when it arouses a fierce heat inside Yamapi.  He has no other choice but capture Toma's mouth in another fiery kiss.

 

Some time later, Yamapi, content and drowsy, buries his face against Toma's neck and breathing him in, closes his eyes.  He's so comfortable he doesn't want to return to his own bed. "Can I stay here tonight?" he asks, his voice muffled against Toma's skin.

 

Toma sounds startled when he replies.  "Yamashita, I don't think we should rush into any..."

 

Yamapi doesn't let him finish.  "I promise I'll keep my hands to myself," he assures with a sleepy laugh.  He didn't have anything more strenuous than some cuddling in mind either.  “You don't have to worry about your virtue."

 

"Virtue, my arse," Toma snorts, but adds with a sigh, "In that case, yeah."

 

Smiling happily, Yamapi cozies up closer, slings his leg over Toma's thigh and settles in for the night. 

 

***

 

All Yamapi can do when Gina grabs his hand, pulls him off his chair and towards the dance floor, is wave helplessly at Toma.  Laughing, Toma waves back as Yamapi is being dragged away.  It's their going-away party; tomorrow they're getting on a plane back to Japan.

 

"So," Gina says, once they've found a spot among the undulating bodies.  She has to yell to be heard over the loud music.  "Now that you've had your wicked way with Toma, you're ready to return home?"

 

Actually, Yamapi hasn't had his way with Toma yet.  Though they both want it, they've decided to take their time redefining their friendship.  There has been plenty of making-out, all of it very pleasurable; it feels good to work their way towards a new level in their relationship.  He realises it will be more difficult in Japan. 

 

Here in Italy, they have made a little fantasy world that has nothing to do with reality.  Maybe that is another reason why they haven't slept together yet.  Though there's no doubt in Yamapi's mind that they will continue to grow towards each other once they've returned to their normal lives, he knows it won't be easy.

 

"It was more about finding myself, figuring out what I really wanted.  I guess Toma just helped me see what was really important."

 

Out of nowhere, she suddenly throws her arms around his neck and hugs him tightly.  "I'm so happy everything worked out for you," she says, stepping back.  Yamapi's surprised to see tears in her eyes.  "It was great getting to know you, Tomo.  I hope we won't become strangers once you return to your normal hectic life.

 

"We won't," he promises, equally choked up.  She has been an amazing companion when he needed one the most.  He would hate it if they lost touch.

 

"Miss, that's my man you're getting fresh with."  They turn to find Toma there.  He's trying to look stern, but only pulls off amused.  "Can I cut in?" he asks Gina.

 

"Absolutely," Gina says.  "I was going to request a special song from the DJ anyway."  She takes a moment to hug Yamapi again, then Toma and leaves them to it.

 

"I'm going to miss her," Toma says.

 

"Yeah."  Yamapi sighs, watching her go.  His heart is briefly weighed down by the sadness of the approaching goodbye, but when Toma leans closer and kisses him, he feels much better again.

 

The song they're dancing to is running to its end; Yamapi's heart skips a beat at the first few bars of the next song playing over the ending of the previous one.  It sounds just like...

 

"Hey!"  He comes to an abrupt halt and stares at Toma.

 

The look on Toma's face is one of immediate alarm.  "What?"

 

"That's..."  His voice trails off when he notices Gina approaching them, an evilly smug smile on her lips.  "You!" he exclaims, as Party Don't Stop echoes across the club.

 

"Come on," Gina laughs.  "Did you really think I didn't know who you were, Yamapi."  His mouth falls open at the blatant betrayal.  "I don't take just any old strays off the street, you know."

 

"You!' is again the only thing that makes it out of Yamapi's mouth, but before he can retaliate in any physical sense, she tosses her hair and sashays off the dance floor.

 

It's strange to watch non-Japanese people dancing to his song; Yamapi can't stop staring.  The people around him don't even seem to notice that half of the words in the song they're dancing to are in Japanese.  It's amazing to watch them enjoy it the way they are.  It gives him hope that he's made the right decision, that he can make it as a solo act.

 

Still feeling dazed, he turns towards Toma.  He's watching Yamapi with a loving smile that makes Yamapi's heart melt.  He knows they will make it, no matter how difficult it will be to fit their relationship around their lives in Japan.  For now, he wants to take advantage of his last hours as an anonymous tourist.  Grinning broadly, he pulls Toma towards him with one arm.  As Toma's body fits itself to his, they move together in perfect unison.

 

"Be my lover while the champagne pops," they sing along with the song.  "Be my boogie, be my beauty till the party don't stop."

 

If Yamapi has any say in the matter, the party will never stop.