I love the time and in between
The calm inside me
In the space where I can breathe
I believe
There is a distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years of
Reaching out and reaching in
Holding out, holding in
I believe
This is heaven to
No one else but me
And I'll defend it
As long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand?*
Another leap succesfully concluded and the pulling feeling which I'm
starting to get used to completely surrounds me and takes me away to
that other place.
Strange, but I never quite remember this place until I am pulled back into it. The rest, the peace my tired spirit and mind finds here is refreshing, like drinking from a cool spring in the middle of the desert. It's the perfect place to catch my breath, heal, find new courage to start on yet another mission.
But glory of all glories, the most wonderful thing about this place, is the return of my complete memory, every single detail of my life as sharp and clear as crystal. And each and every time, the first thing that springs to my mind is exactly the same.
Al.
Oh god, why didn't you tell me?
Here, in between, it's like I am one with the entire universe and I can see beyond time itself. There is not a single doubt about the way my life is evolving, even though that life is slipping from my fingers and I am losing every control over it. There is a definite reason behind my suffering, a definite plan, and I know how honoured I should feel that I have been chosen to be part of that plan.
And part of that serenity and knowledge is the understanding why my mind has to be swiss-cheesed during a leap. For my own protection.
But Al?
How can you make me forget Al?
I feel a love so strong its bounds reach beyond time. The intensity of that love, the sheer force of it is stronger than any law of nature and it explodes my heart into a thousand pieces. I feel arms wrap around me protectively, sheltering me from any harm, promising me they'll never let go. And I know that they won't.
I see dark eyes, shining with pride and love, horror and fear, begging me for some sign of recognition, of understanding, begging me to give him some hope that one day this nightmare will be over.
I hear a raspy voice, whispering my name with such longing that I want to block my ears to stop the sound from tearing my hear to shreds. And just when I think the voice is going to break my heart beyond the point of ever getting mended again, the voice starts to soothe and comfort me, assuring me that everything will be okay; that he loves me and he will never leave me.
I taste lips, soft and tender, hard and demanding, giving me life with their touch and with the words that those lips form over and over again... I love you
I sense a presence entering me, physically and mentally, possessing me, melting the two of us into one, like it's always been and always shall be.
Aaaaaallll!
My mind shrieks his name into the void and in the resounding echo, memories flood my mind, drowning me with long ago forgotten images of us both. Inconsequential and everyday occurences, but at this moment more important than life itself. I let myself be carried away by the current, drowsy with the feeling of love and happiness that each new memory is wrapping around me.
I don't want to lose these feelings, this knowledge. I'm like a computer storing every bit of information, determined to keep it locked in there, determined to not let myself be robbed of those precious feelings yet again. I'm determined to look into those brown eyes and say...
I remember
It's too late. I can feel it. I'm being dragged out of my heaven. One last thought, the same one every time, over and over again...
Let me remember!
* Elsewhere
Written and recorded by Sarah McLachlan