Room mate #2, unaware of the shitty condition of their suite’s only toilet, was eating her food and looking forward to her daily bowel movement. Startled by room mate #1’s outcry, room mate #2 hastily runs to her room mate’s aid, still chewing a bite of roast beef and swiss. Coming into the bathroom, room mate #2 was confronted by a man-sized particle of #2. Room mate #2 was convinced that room mate #1 didn’t flush properly, and that she could fix the shitty problem. Flushing repeatedly, room mate #2 watched in disgust as the piss and shit rose to the top and taunted her unsettled stomach. Gagging, room mate #2 screamed at the horror of it all, and bile coated the back of her throat. She thought to herself, “This shit smells like raw chitlins.”
Room mates #3 and #4 have declined comment at this time.
Room mate #5 came home after an exhausting day at the Chem lab with a bladder full or urine. She hastily knocked on the closed door, and when no one answered, thought it strange, but nonetheless, she cautiously opened the door to the mysteriously empty bathroom. Catching a whiff of the stench, room mate #5 grabbed the side of the door for support, because she felt her breakfast rising up her trachea in chunks. She knocked on the door of room mates #3 and #4, who said they had seen the toilet, but denied responsibility or knowledge of the culprit.
Room mate #6, sleeping fitfully, dreaming of Spring Break, was awoken from her sleep violently by room mates discussing something horrendous. Unaware of the events that had just taken place, room mate #6 walked into the bathroom, still half-asleep, and smelled the stench of burned hot dogs, chitlins, and 3 week old okra. Still more asleep than awake, the room mate didn’t question the mysterious odor, but attributed it to an unknown room mate blowing up the bathroom and inconsiderately declining to use air freshner.
The unsuspecting room mate squatted on the toilet an prepared to empty her bladder. She blinked and looked between her legs at the toilet seat, and stumbled off the toilet in utter morbid fascination. For she saw the largest chunk of shit ever to come out of a co-ed chilling in the toilet unobtrusively. The shit was looking at room mate #6 while peeking out from behind a bullet-proof wall of toilet paper. Room mate #6 thought to herself, “FUCK!!”, and left the bathroom upset, annoyed, and bloated from her still un-emptied early morning piss.
Room mate #6 walked into the living room, where room mates #’s 1-5 were sitting in a circle, talking as if nothing had happened. Room mate #6 asked with venom, and a bit of humor, who had left a chunky present for her. Room mates 1-5 looked at each other with suspicion, and #5 quickly said that she had an alibi. Room mate #6, seeing the homor of this outburst, quickly thought that room mate #5 was the mysterious shitting culprit. After this, accusations flew throughout the room, everyone, at one time or another, coming under scrutiny by her fellow room mates.
One of the room mates, remembering that the suite’s door was routinely propped open, told of the time she saw some stray student walk into a room, take a shit, and leave without flushing. One of the other room mates quickly attributed the big floater in the toilet to this random-room shitter. Room mate #6 quickly came up with the theory that someone in the room was the mysterious Shit Bandit, running rampant through people’s unsuspecting toilet seats, shitting as she pleased. Every time the room mates spoke of the mystery, they spoke of the elusive Shit Bandit, and wondered with trepidation, when the heifer would strike again.
Tired of fruitless accusations of shitty misconduct, the room mates gave up looking for the culprit. Room mate #2, stomach bubbling and in agony, decided that the shit had to go, because she had to go. Due to the absence of a working plunger, room mate #2, wearing green rubber gloves and brandishing a borrowed wire hanger menacingly, circled the toilet looking for a point of attack. Room mate #2 jammed the wire hanger in the toilet hole and pulled out an even bigger turd stopping up the toilet, and using the wire hanger, broke the long length of waste into bite-sized chunks; with the real shit bandit looking on passively. Finally, she flushed the toilet successfully. Room mate #6 walked in later, and saw a shitty hanger in the garbage can dripping piss water and feces dejectedly. This became the legend of the Shit Bandit, and the mystery of their hi-jacked toilet haunted the room mates for a long time.
The shit bandit still lurks, we know who she is...but perhaps one day, she’ll shit in a toilet in your room and it will be up to you to expose her once again... .">
Come Discover the Mystery of the Shit Bandit!!
