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Welcome to the wide, wide world of leetdom; where people crash and burn in binges of drugs and intoxication, or people rise to meet the trail of fame set before them. I'm Michael Mercer, and I will be your guide through this world, which is so undeniably cool that if Christina Aguilera were to enter it, she'd actually have to wear clothes.

Chapter 1: Me, Myself, and I... Steve motherfucking Polychronopolous

I'm a dude who has been through more trash and biasedness than anyone I've ever met in my life. I've been through it all. I started wrestling in the footsteps of my uncle Chris, who was already a larger than life superstar. He was an HCW Hall Of Famer, two time World champ, Intercontinental champ, United States champ, had an assload of Tag Team and Hardcore title reigns, and much more. Imagine the kind of stress you'd have when you had to top someone like that.

Well anyway there I am, little ass nineteen year old New Yorker Mikey Mercer, trying to top my uncle who's in his mid thirties. And to some people in HCW, and to the few that knew me after that, thought I did top him in some ways. Three time Cruiserweight champion, Hardcore champ, Tag Team and Intergender Tag Team champion, had the longest title reign ever for the Intercontinental title... I even kicked good ol' Chris's ass a time or two. Almost made a World Title reign a moot point to me, until it happened.

Wham, outta nowhere, uncle has cancer. He doesn't last very long, and passes a couple of months later. I spent the months after that thinking about retiring- after losing someone who was the closest thing to a father I ever had, I wasn't exactly giddy like a schoolgirl over wrestling anymore, even though I wasn't that much older than a giddy schoolgirl at the time.

Eventually, I came to a decision, and that decision was to continue on. I mean a nineteen year old in retirement.. man, that would be pretty freakin' boring. So I continued on, going to company after company and fighting to make my name the biggest one anyone in the wrestling industry would ever see. And in doing so, I would fight for the one title that would end up eluding me the most: a World Heavyweight championship.

I went on for five years, until May 31st of this year... I defeated a man named Xavier Black for the SAWF World Heavyweight title. And for that moment, I was on top of the world. I defended the belt as much as I could, until the middle of June... that was when everyone got the news that SAWF was closing. And at seventyone matches in what was to be a one hundred match career, I would retire from wrestling, being the final World champion of a highly respected organization.

It was bittersweet in a way that I fought all that time for that one belt, and only two weeks after I win it the place I'm in goes down. However, it left a bit of a good taste in my mouth knowing I would be the final champion, that I would go down in the federation's history after fighting through all the pain I had to fight through. After that, I moved from my home in The Bronx and went to live with my fiance in New Mexico, where I planned to enjoy being away from the wrestling ring for the rest of my life.

Although I guess I would've had to work on not being such a Steve Polychronopolous. Need to stop listening to Adam Sandler songs, too, apparently.

Chapter 2: Love Song

Jaden... hmm, what else is there to say about her that I haven't said before? Well, I'm sure I've said to people that she's a hottie.. cause, well, she is. But being serious, me and that lovely lady have been through a lot for being such young'uns. We were married once before in November of 2001, and sure enough we divorced like the stubborn kids that we were just a year later. Of course, I didn't take that very easily. Especially considering she had our daughter Gabriella with her while we were separated. And that made me a saaad panda.

She was one of the motivations that kept me wrestling throughout all of the things I had to deal with. I kept going because I always thought that if I could do something good enough that she would be there to congratulate me. She never was, but I fought on anyway. Finally, in the middle of 2003 I decided to see her and my daughter once more. Things didn't turn out so well. In fact, she was pretty upset that I chose to wrestle other than stay with them, even if she said it couldn't be how it was before if I did stay.

So I wrestled more and more, and every once in awhile I would visit her. And with each time I did so, we would be a step closer to forgiving eachother for the things we did to eachother. Not very big steps, more like baby steps, but they were steps in the right direction nonetheless. The visits got me to a point where all I could think about was being with her again.. and I bought a ring for after my retirement in SAWF.

Finally, June 30th, for my final match in SAWF I had a mystery opponent to defend my World title against. I had no clue who it was, and after defending the belt against two other people that same night, I was pretty damn tired. So call me an idiot when I was surprised to see Jaden walk out to the ring to be my final opponent.

We didn't really fight that much.. we just talked as she tried to kick me in the go-go-gadget gonads button several times. I ended up having to 'sedate' her... well, it was a pretty nasty clothesline, but hey, it got the job done.. but that's not the point. The point was that I got her to settle down, just long enough to show her the ring I had bought her. And echoing how I proposed to her on the Halloween of 2001, I proposed to her again, right there in the middle of a wrestling ring. And being the sweet gal that she always has been, she 'considered' it, only to accept an hour later during a little talk we had on the flight to New York.

Soon after, I moved to her place in Truth Or Consequence, New Mexico, and have lived there ever since. But of course, I still miss the people that I used to live near over on the east coast.

Chapter 3: Dazed And Confused.... Oh, And Stoned, Too.

This guy is a little bit more difficult to explain. Erm... well, ever since I met Markus Riley in 2002, I knew the guy was weird. I mean, he wears that samurai hat every fucking day, rain or shine. It scares me. And what's worse, he's always hanging out with these stoner friends of his, and every other day I catch the bastard toking up.

He wasn't exactly always like that, however. When I first met him, he did still have the samurai hat, but he had no time for imitating every Cheech and Chong movie imaginable. You see he was also a wrestler, and was once a really good one at that. Shit, the guy won a World title within ten matches of his career! Sadly, his career didn't last much longer and neither did his title reign. He injured his quadricep during a title defense, and never fully recovered. He wrestled in Japan a little while after the injury, but it didn't help, so he simply left the ring altogether, now filmmaking in between pissing his grey matter away.

He always did seem to give the best advice when he was high, however. He had quotes that would make Yogi Berra or Dan Quayle blush.

'You never know what you had until you take a really good look at it.'

'A vote for me is a vote for someone whose name is not Markus Riley.'

'That makes me want to just cry. Cry cry cry. But that could change.'

'The man is like a head and the woman is like a neck. She can turn us the way she wants us to go, but we're the one with the smarts to counteract with 'Get in the kitchen NOW, bitch!''

.....Yeesh. And no matter what the situation, his facial expression hardly ever changes. Between that and that damn samurai hat, I'd say that fucker is up to something.

Chapter 4: Ol' Reliable

To go into Michael Ryba's entire backstory would take up an entire novel worth of shit, so I'm going to try and summarize everything as easy and painlessly as possible.

Him and my uncle were friends awhile back, back when I was getting started in the business. They trampled anyone in their way, and in HCW they were probably one of the most, if not THE most feared tag team around. And then when I came along, he was the guy to help show me the ropes. That was when I became a hated douche bag amongst the other wrestlers. But who brought me back to reality, you ask? Why this son of a gun, of course.

After my uncle passed, me and Ryba continued the destruction that they had left off with, thrashing everyone in every company imaginable. Eventually, the lack of competition brought us to the SAWF. But here, our fame was shunned. No one cared about what he did in the past, and treated us like rookies not just in SAWF, but as rookies to the business in general. This didn't sit very well with either of us, and amidst our rage we immediately joined up to annihilate anyone who stood in our way.

At the start, we were informed that a rookie tag team, no matter who it was, would fail. And for our first three matches, they were right. We lost our first three tag matches, in brutal fashion for that matter. That could have been the end of it, however it was not. Instead, it fueled our anger further, and we continued. Next thing we knew, we had gone from being a three and seven tag team, to being eight and seven Tag Team champions. We took a loss in the rematch to the team we beat, but the titles were not on the line. And because of that, one of the longest Tag Team title reigns in SAWF's recent years had begun.

After that initial loss as the Tag Team champs, we went from an even eight and eight to winning eleven straight Tag Title defenses. Our reign had lasted from the end of December through to early March. And that was when the singles division began to tempt us. In SAWF, superstars were only allowed one title, and this applied to the Tag Titles as well. Me and Ryba discussed whether going on was necessary over improving our singles careers, and we both came to the conclusion that we had proved SAWF had made a big mistake when they dubbed us as rookies. And with that we walked into the March 5th show of SAWF Livewire, and in front of everyone we stated that there was not a single team in the back that could take us on, before we willingly dropped our titles in the ring and left.

From then on, we would have our fame. Even though I went onto a higher plateau as the final SAWF World champion, Ryba proved a lot of people wrong by being one of the younger superstars to win the Intercontinental championship, and we both continued to cement our status as one of the greatest SAWF tag teams of all time, finishing our SAWF tag career at a respectable twentyseven wins and ten losses.

Chapter 5: My Cousin Mindy

As my SAWF career began to wind down, I was introduced to a cousin I never even knew I had. Mindy Mercer had ran away from her father's house in Italy and came to live with her famous cousin. Of course, who wouldn't want to hang out with me? I mean I'm the epitome of coolness and badassitry, but she started to get on my nerves pretty early on with her hyperactive tendencies.

Slowly, though, things began to calm down. She told me about her much of an ass her father was to her, and so I couldn't help but sympathize and take her in. I mean yeah, I'm an asshole like the great Denis Leary song proclaims, but I'm a softee at heart.... what? Ask Jaden if you don't believe me... bitch. I even let her walk to the ring with me during my final matches! Ain't I a nice guy?

Still don't believe me? Come on now.. I even let her live with me and Jaden until she has the money to live out on her own. How is she making the money? Well I've trained her to wrestle of course, and she's now the World champion in an independent federation in New Mexico. But then again she is a Mercer... a slightly overannoying Mercer, but a Mercer anyway, so it shouldn't be a surprise that she's such an ass kicker as a wrestler.

If only she would stop hogging the camera in my promos...

Chapter 6: And Now...

So here I am. I'm out of retirement. Back and ready to kick ass, only in a way that someone as leet as I possibly can. I may be in a different house, and I may be fighting for a different cause this time, but I'm still as awesomely cool as ever. But wait... oh yeah, I bet most of you are asking, 'oh my God, Michael you're so cool, why are you coming out of retirement?' Well, the answer is pretty simple my friends.

When I first started wrestling, it was to make my uncle proud. Then, it was to win the World title. And then, I wrestled for the love of my life. What could possibly get me back into the ring this time? Easy...

...I got cheated out of my hundred SAWF matches, therefore, I believe I have twentynine matches left in me. Beeyatch!