Where was I?
Where was i?? We had a really good relationship for a while... don't really remember much though, nothing spectacular happened. Then when I was a senior in high school, he had already graduated he began to get really jealous, or maybe that's when I noticed it, who knows? I sat at a table in the cafeteria with all guys, to this day he still doesn't know that. I'm too afraid to tell him, afraid he'll be mad or hurt. I care about him, and it really hurts me to see him upset. For a while there I just didn't tell him things that I knew would upsset him, like if i hugged a friend (that was a guy) Not that I had all that many, but still. He never wanted to do anything with me and for a while I didn't care I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible he was working all kinds of crazy shifts at work, sometimes i didn't see him all day. (he was living with me at my parents, again) Then I got tired of being home all the time and never getting to hang out with my friends because he didn't like them. So I finally got fed up and said, "If you don't want to go out with me, than I'm going with out you!" and I did. Half the time I didn't tell him the truth about where I was going because I knew he wouldn't like it, but I went anyway. We fought soo much, about stupid things, I don't even remember anymore. Somewhere along the line I just got tired of fighting, tired of being upset and I just gave in. I never went out, stopped talking to all my friends (although he wasn't the only reason I didn't talk to them anymore.) I went to work, school and home. I just fell into a routine, something I don't think I ever had, for a long time I liked it. I didn't have to worry about much. Sure I was bored out of my mind, so I just buried myself in school and work, and anything else (that I could do at home) I just got so used to it, maybe i even told myself that i liked it. The more you tell yourself that something is true, the more you believe it, right? I spent most of my relationship defending it, to myself included, maybe i started to believe the lies i had been telling everyone else. I do love him, even if it wasn't right away or as i have said before 'learned'. I wanted so much to be happy with, him I believed that I was. I didn't know any different, all I had to compare it to is what I saw in other people's relationships, and mine seemed alot better. Although i wasn't comparing it to any normal functioning relationships. People always ask me, "Don't you wanna know what it's like to be with someone else? Don't you think you're missing out on alot?" My response, "I know that there is a lot out there that I have missed out on, but finding out isn't worth the risk of losing what I have." I made myself believe I had the perfect relationship, sure it has faults, but whose doesn't. Then I got the same feeling all the sudden that I was stuck, I needed to get out, not away from him, needed to do something else besides work and school all the time. We never went out because it's too expensive (which is a whole other topic by itself) So i started going out again, with people from work it was the only people I talked to besides my boyfriend. Went to a bar (made the bf REAL mad) but I didn't care I just wanted to have fun. After hanging out with the same people a few times my circle got smaller and smaller again, until i found my self talking to the same person all the time. I found myself lying to myself again, (i'm getting really good at it) that we were just friends. People told me that he liked me, but i didn't believe it, i tried to pretend that i didn't like him, how could I 'like' someone I had a boyfriend? So I told myself it was just a little crush, it would pass. Of course it didn't, kinda hard when you see them everyday. I'd catch myself looking for him, and being excited to see him. Still I told myself we can be just friends, all we'd done so far was go to lunch together, oh and I brought him home once cause his car was broken. Which is something else that surprises me, how eager i was to be the one to help him. Even right this second my heart is pounding just thinking about him. I don't know what it was but i found myself making up reasons to see him. Then when i couldn't find anymore reasons, I made them up and lied to my boyfriend about where i was. Then i made everything WAY more complicated because i kissed him. i made the first move. I don't even know why i did it, all i know is that i really wanted to. It's really weird i never wanted to kiss someone soooo bad. not even my bf. I'd never had 'that' feeling before. I'm not even sure what 'that' feeling is, i just know i like it... (by the way, heart still pounding) I'm not even sure it's real, it's like a dream or a fantasy or something. It doesn't seem real, and i'm scared that it isn't.

Where do I start?
There is just sooo much I feel like I have to 'get out' I just don't know where to start? So many things are wrong in my life... i don't know how to fix them... sometimes i think I like it that way. I don't deserve to be happy... this is my life i just have to accept it, make the best of it. I feel selfish to not be thankful for what I have. I have so much, how can I ask for more? I have a house, a car, a job, a boyfriend that I know is always there for me and loves me, even if he doesn't know how to show it. It used to be good in the beginning, I remember one time I stayed home from school sick, he cut school and walked to my mom's house... over seven miles away. We used to go skating every friday night. Other days we would hang out at the local hockey courts. We'd go play basketball or hockey. We were always together... inseperable. A few months after we started dating, (at the age of 15) he kinda moved in with me and my parents, my mom felt bad about his home situation and let him stay with us. He did everything with me and my family, my mom even taught him how to drive. About 6 months into the relationship I wanted to break it off... I was 15 I wasn't looking for a forever relationship, I only when out with him to begin with because it was the first time someone actually liked me, the only person who ever asked me out. There was one problem, he was looking for a 'forever' relationship, he loved me, wanted to be with me for the rest of his life, he said he finally found someone who cared about him, everyone else in his life had abandoned him in a sense, and if i did too he would kill himself. I stayed, and eventually I grew to love him. We had some really tough times a few months after I wanted to break it off, I got pregnant... yes at fifteen. I was so in denial, I think I was four or five months when i started to show that i had an abortion. I couldn't admit to anyone that i had sex, how would i ever be able to explain that. I was so dumb... people had to have known. After that things were good for a while....TBC

BF is on the way home..

Day 1
Mood:  don't ask
I used to keep a diary when I was younger, but I haven't since my bf read it. I keep things deep inside and I am terrified that if I write them down someone (that I don't want) will read things that I didn't want them to know. After all it's happened before right. So what do I do I go through all the trouble of creating a blog with no ties to who I actually am, even though there will be one other person that I hope will read them. I have never been good at expressing my feelings and shit like that, especially if the person is right there, I panic and don't have the courage to say what I wanted. And I can't write letters, I'm afraid that somehow they will be used against me. Crazy huh.
Well I guess I am. There is more that I want to say but for know I am out of time, my boyfriend will be home soon and I cannot let him see this, I have to pretend to have a perfect happy life right?