Directions
1. Okay, Akane-honey, first you must find your center. You cannot cook without being calm and totally at peace.2. Next, you must find your ingredients, all but the pork - put the pork in the freezer. Line the others all up, along with the frying pan, sharp knives, and cutting board. A frying pan is a long, low sort of stovetop thingie. The handle on the frying pan should be approximately the same length as the distance between your wrist and your elbow. Of course, you haven't gotten yours custom-made like mine, so that won't be exact... but we can overlook it just this once.
3. Next, prepare your ingredients. You must chop your white cabbage into fine, even pieces. That means that they should be about half as wide as your pinki finger is wide, or smaller. Preferably smaller, but don't get too crazy. Still plenty to do. Akane-chan... use the sharp knife to do that. Uh, and the cutting board, too.
Next, get your scallions. Chop them up roughly, which means make them not too tiny and don't worry about their being the exact same size. They should be chopped until four of them could fit on your pinki nail, maybe five. Use the sharp knife and the cutting board.
Uncooked shrimp usually have hard little shells surrounding them. Pull off the shells, then pull off the entire fin part of the tails. Dispose of the shells and fins and keep the meat.
4. Now you've prepared all of your ingredients. Time to make the batter! Put the flour and water in the large bowl. Mix with the whisk until there are no clumps. Gently but firmly, please, Akane!
5. Add the eggs and salt to the batter mix. Pick out any eggshell you may have let slip. Stir until combined. Use the whisk.
6. Add the scallions and about a third of the white cabbage. Mix again, but not so hard this time, Akane-chan! You want the cabbage to stay mostly intact. Thus, use the regular, everyday spoon.
7. Turn the stovetop onto HIGH. You do this by turning the little knob until the arrow points to HIGH. The knob that says things like 200, 350, and 600 is the wrong knob. The one that says 1:00, 4:30, and 5:29 is also the wrong knob. The one that says, "Don't touch me there!" is probably Tsubasa. And that's also wrong, in more ways than one.
8. While you're waiting for the pan to heat up, remove the pork from the freezer. It should be very cold and somewhat frozen. If it's not, turn the heat off the stovetop and wait a little while. If the pork is a little bit frozen, take it to the cutting board and slice it as thinly as possible. If you can trust yourself not to slice off a finger, press it down onto the cutting board with your weak hand and slice horizontally with your strong hand.
9. Once the pan is hot (do NOT test by touching!) spray some Pam onto its surface, or put a little bit of olive oil in the pan. Note: not linseed oil or motor oil.
10. When the oil starts to smoke or pop, turn the heat down to medium and wait a little bit.
11. VERY carefully, pour some of the batter mixture into the pan. Sometimes, I use a ladle. That's a big spoon with a lot of carrying capacity. Not as much as the B.A.S., you understand.
12. Sprinkle the surface of the cooking 'yaki with some of the shrimp and scallops. Lay a couple of the paper-thin pork atop the whole business. Press the toppings down into the batter with the butt of your ladle or with the ordinary, everyday spoon.
13. Have your center? Good. The moment you smell cooking 'yaki, the moment that the edges begin to brown or curl, that is the beginning of your true test of worthiness. Take a small spat in each hand and flip the 'yaki onto its uncooked side. A small reminder: slide it away from you, then flip it towards you.
14. If the okonomiyaki is still within the pan, congratulations. Smush the 'yaki with one of your spats. Keep smushing it flat and tugging it thinner. Flip it several times, until neither side is wet. This is not like an honest-to-goodness pancake, when once is enough for each side. Make sure your meat is not pink. Except the shrimp. They should be pink unless they're is not really finished cooking, in which case they're an unappetizing grey color.
15. Once the 'yaki is cooked, you can add my Secret Sauce, mustard, mayo, or anything you like. Then sprinkle it with some dried kelp.
16. Put the finished okonomiyaki on a plate and serve it immediately.
