Jokes
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please
stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight attendant announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one,
you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on
this flight...!
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks
for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
us here at US Airways."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude
now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too,
so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the
flight."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on
this flight!
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a
member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Overheard from a young pilot: "Sorry about the rough landing, folks I'm
practicing for a job at USAir. Next time, I'll try to lose your luggage."
I was on a Southwest flight once that was delayed at the gate after everyone
boarded. The flight attendant said over the intercom, "We're sorry for the
delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken,
so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way
shortly."
[was said in a very low, slow, monotone, by a male flight attendent]
Pushing the button with the picture of the light bulb turns the light on.
Pushing the button with the picture of the flight attendent [pause] does
not turn us on.
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard
landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was
the asphault."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking and on behalf of all of us
at Alaska Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today. We're
beginning our descent into Los Angeles and we'd like to ask you to stow baggage
and bring your tables and seatbacks into the upright position." -- pause -- "Oh,
and folks, I've been reminded to inform you that as you deplane and walk to the
baggage claim area, you may notice tons and tons of mistletoe hanging at the
gates of our competitors. Don't be alarmed -- it's just there to remind you that
when you fly our competitors you can just plan on kissing your luggage
goodbye......"
"Folks, we have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first
flight." {round of applause follows} "So on your way off the plane, be sure &
stop by the cockpit and wish Capt. Jones a Happy Birthday."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why
no M'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"
"If your carry-on baggage won't fit in the overhead compartments, please ram,
cram or jam in under the seat in front of you."
"Remain in your seat with your seatbelt fastened and your seatback and tray
upright until the airplane comes to a complete stop at the gate and we
extinguish the seatbelt sign. There are television cameras in the cabin, so if
you get up before we stop, your picture will be transmitted by satellite to
Flight Attendant Central, and you will never get another bag of peanuts again."
Coming back from Vegas to Austin on Southwest Airlines, the 737 was for the most
part filled with business-type suit and tie guys. We were all getting settled,
digging for magazines, pulling out laptops, joking, chatting, etc when the
flight attendant announced over the intercom, "Did anyone lose a brown wallet?"
All talking and all commotion instantly ceased as hands instinctively went for
back pockets and eyes went forward to where she was standing in the cabin, which
was now completely silent. She continued, "Now that I have your attention, I'd
like to point out the emergency exits located on either side of the aircraft..."
Southwest Captain (on PA explaining a delay): "Sorry, folks, but our landing has
been delayed by a mechanical failure. The automatic machine that beats up and
loses your luggage is not functioning properly and we'll have to wait for
repairs."
