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Newell 108 Theories

#1 The uglier you are, the more you care about the environment.

#2 75% of men are stupid and not worth our time. We only associate with the other 25%.

#3 The taller you are, the worse your dance moves.

#4 Quadiball should qualify as a sport in the Olympics.

#5 THERE IS A KINK…and it’s no skink!

#6 Every girl should have a gay guy friend that can deep-throat a banana.

#7 Liking men does not make you a woman…unless you have issues every 28 days, you are barred from being a female.

#8 Febreze & Lysol in bulk amounts are life essentials.

#9 Alcoholic beverages always taste different when consumed through a straw.

#10 Whenever attempting to bake, always remember: bake first, drink later.

#11 If liking men of color makes one racist, then men dating only men are sexist.

#12 When feeling depressed, just think…you could be ugly.

#13 A Dodge Neon is never considered a high performance vehicle.

#14 The more noise your car makes, the smaller your dick is.

#15 If you steal from a 7-11, rest assured that President Bush will not come after you screaming, “Your ass is mine!”

#16 When speaking of figaro, please be specific…the cat or the chain.

#17 If your head explodes and it gets all over your cat, do not put him in the washing machine…it will die.

#18 If the squirrels in you neighborhood jump and straddle your house, be careful, they are genetically engineered squirrels escaped from Cook College.

#19 When the water in your apartment runs brown, scream as many obscenities in the shortest amount of time, and eventually it will run clear.

#20 Your professor is really cool if he uses a bull penis as a walking stick.

#21 You know you’re a Rutgers student if getting screwed isn’t necessarily a good thing.

#22 News flash: Being in college means that YOU ARE NO LONGER IN HIGH SCHOOL!

#23 Everyone has an addiction…some are just more illegal than others.

#24 If your boyfriend’s name is Juan Domingo, he HAS to be hot.

#25 You know you’re at Rutgers if the buses use your dorm as a parking garage.

#26 Guys who wear thong sandals and carry caboodles are not attractive.

#27 You know you’ve been watching “Booty Call” if you ask one of your guy friends, “So you hittin’ dat shit or what?”

#28 If you do not have a reason to not have tan lines, you are permitted to go tanning with underwear on.

#29 If you’re unfortunately ugly to the point that you have the potential to collect charity from strangers on the street, do everyone a favor…don’t leave the house.

#30 Dr. Danielle says, “The antidote to laughing too much about kinks and skinks is carrots.”

#31 Too much Exedrin causes involuntary leg spasms and seizures.

#32 Any hot guy that is not gay should wear a flashing sign saying so.

#33 Playing a guitar naked in bed makes any guy 10 times hotter.

#34 When you forget what you’re going to forget, you’re pretty damn forgetful.

#35 No matter what season, a singing and dancing moose is always appropriate.

#36 “Frutar” means “to have fruit.”

#37 Sarcasm…just one more service we provide.

#38 It is never too late to: a. Go dancing b. Go drinking c. Eat cake.

#39 2 sinks + 4 girls does not = the key to happiness at bed time.

#40 The secrets of women should never be revealed to ANY man.

#41 BTW is the #1 abbreviation of all time.

#42 You know you live in the ghetto when your roof leaks, your AC causes your rug to mold, your bathroom sinks talk to you, your window screen falls out and almost kills your neighbor, you can get locked out of your appartment even if you have your key, and random shower parts shoot at you when you are taking a shower.

#43 No 1 ball should ever be significantly larger than the other.

#44 Everyone should go run outside in 35 degree weather wearing plaid pajamma pants and a sweatshirt with wet hair and NO BRA AND UNDERWEAR!

#45 Jeans with no back pockets droop.

#46 The only wait-loss program that REALLY works is going out and getting trashed numerous nights in a row.

#47 Cereal isn't wet, it is lactated.

#48 Everyone should be obsessed with the ketchup dance!

#49 Girls with chubby faces should not wear their hair in 2 french braids.

#50 Girls with no asses should not wear pants with no pockets in the back, for they will SAG!

#51 Bio Lab TAs should keep up with their hair highlights!

#52 Whenever being attacked by missiles, it is always a good idea to roll off of your bed, onto the floor, and under your roommate's bed.

#53 Going from the Newells to the Starkies is like going to 2 different countries. P.S.--The starkies do have doorbells!

#54 Butts and Gutts should fullfill a Cook College Area Requirement!

#55 When you are in ankle water and you can't see your ankles, you know that you have too many ankles and an extra toe!

More to come...

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