Movie Time

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Aside from nuclear holocaust, or perhaps the occasional bunion, there’s nothing worse than having a movie ruined by a bunch of jabbering, loudmouth jerks in the seats directly behind you. In such situations, many believe there are only two options: muster up the courage to turn around and start screaming your head off, or just sit and seethe in quiet righteousness. But those techniques seem a bit uncreative to us. Here, then, are 11 ways to silence your antagonists, guaranteed to be as fun as they are effective…

Don’t even bother turning around -- let your sock puppet do the talking.

Turn around and calmly say, "One more word out of you, Mom, and it's back to the nursing home."

Paste on big, fake, furry eyebrows and give the offenders a good glowering.

Join in their conversation. In fact, talk so much they can't get in a word edgewise.

Remove your seersucker jacket, set down your bowler and give the young rapscallions what-for!

Open up a can of whup-ass on ‘em. Even an off-brand can of whup-ass will silence an unruly moviegoer. For best results, shake well prior to application, and remember to store any unused whup-ass in the refrigerator -- in these trying times it pays to be frugal.

Begin to weep, ever so softly. They’ll either shut up right quick or start to snicker at you. Either way, they’re not yapping!

Start repeating everything they’re saying. When they start staying “Stop it!” say “Stop it!” right back.

Stand up and show a little cleavage. This works especially well if you’re a man.

Forget about shutting them up. Simply move to a new seat in front of people having a more interesting conversation.