Jokes

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At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

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What's your new name? Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose...

Follow the instructions to find your funny name. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

Use the third (3rd) letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:
a = stinky
b = lumpy
c =buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = poopsie
j = chim-chim
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w= oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second (2nd) letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name:
a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = monkey
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i =cootie
j = girdle
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p =hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth (4th) letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.

To be fair, we should publish Al Gore's new name, too: Lumpy Burgertush.

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Girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

A man died and went to Hell. There he was met by the Devil and was told that Hell was now a "kindler and gentler" place. Each person was offered three choices of torture. The devil explained that these tortures ran in a thousand year cycle and you could pick which cycle to being with.

He went with the Devil down the hall where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. He told the Devil he'd "pass" on that one.

He went on down the hall to where another man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine tails. The man shook his head over this one, too.

Finally, there was a man strapped to the wall, naked as a jaybird. A very gorgeous woman was performing oral sex upon him. The man said, "Yes, yes, this is where I want to start."

The Devil said "You sure? This lasts for a thousand years, you know."

"Yes, I'm sure. This is the place."

"OK," said the Devil. He walked to the beautiful blonde, tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Your replacement is here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."