WARNING!

(Revised)

For those of you (men and women) involved in long distance online relationships with people who you haven't met yet...

I have a tale to tell that may save you some heartache.  This happened some time ago.  Some of the feelings expressed here remain, some have faded, some have changed.

A few of years ago, I was involved with someone online who lives in Ottawa, Canada.  What happened between us, or rather, what didn't happen still causes me a lot of pain.  I'm going to leave a great deal out, personal, private things.  This is a very abbreviated version of what happened.

It had started out as something just for fun.  It became something more; at least for me.  We spent hours and hours together every week for months, online and on the phone.  At one point he said something about Internet relationships and courtship.  I think we were quite involved. This rose was a gift from him, it's readily available on the Net.

Once he said something, as he often did, about how compatible we are, then he said, "We have to get together."

From that point on this became a refrain.  I agreed with him and we began to plan a way to accomplish that.

Our birthdays are 2 weeks apart in November.  We decided to meet the weekend between our birthdays and celebrate together.

Weeks and weeks went by, things happened.  We had a falling out but we continued.

Then the heartache began.  He found me online one night, not long before our planned weekend,  and told me that we couldn't get together the weekend we planned.  He backed out.   Still we continued; he didn't say we couldn't meet, just not then.

Over the next couple of months, everything changed, fell apart.  Finally, in a moment of pain and unhappiness I told him that he was no friend; I ended it.

Bottom line  - he didn't want to meet me.  4 1/2 months of spending every minute I could with him, online and on the phone.  Weeks and weeks of planning with him.  Weeks and weeks of hearing that intimate pleasure in his voice when we'd say hello each time....

It tore my heart out.  He meant a great deal to me.  I cared very much for him.  I was very emotionally involved.  He touched me deeply.  He was like family.  I wanted to meet him so much.

I, too, have refused to meet people from online a couple of times; backed out of meetings; but not after months and months of spending time with someone online and on the telephone.  Not after feeling that we were friends, had a relationship.  Usually it's after a couple of phone calls when they get overly enthusiastic and I hear too many expectations in their voice.  And, yes, he probably heard that in mine but I thought he knew me.   I thought he trusted me as he asked me to trust him.

Months later, I saw him online and it seemed silly not to say hello.  We began speaking to each other online again for a while but we were more reserved, more distant.

I asked him if he'd ever intended to meet me.  He said yes.  He never explained himself to me about what happened.  He said that everything he had told me was true.

It was very painful to talk to him.  I still wanted to know him, to meet him.  I missed him terribly.  He said he missed me. HE SAID HE MISSED ME!

He said several times in that second period that he regretted that we never got together.  If you regret not doing something, it means that you still want it to happen, doesn't it?  Again, his behavior belied his words.  This time I was quicker to end it.

He said I scare him.  And, it's true, I love fiercely.  It's the only kind of loving I'm interested in.  It happens rarely so when it does, I put everything in me into it.   I want to love deeply and intensely and I want to be loved the same in return.   And, I'm not young; I expected this to be, perhaps, my last great love affair.  I had every intension of putting my body, heart and soul into it.  But he's the scary one.  I know the connection was there, I know the feelings were there and maybe that was the problem.  I'll never know.

I still hurt from this.  This is the ultimate rejection, to spend months with someone who you connect with, who then decides they don't even want to meet you.

As much as the rejection, it frightened me that my perception of him could have been so wrong.  I don't know now what was real and what was deception.

I couldn't trust anything that anyone said to me for a long time.  I felt that everyone was masquerading, that no one was who they said they were.  I couldn't imagine having a relationship with anyone.  How could I be in a relationship if I couldn't tell who someone really is; I couldn't trust my own perceptions so I couldn't trust anyone.

He meant so much to me.  He told me he never meant to hurt me.  I believe him but he did nothing to help me understand.  There's been no closure for me.  I've tried to let it go.  I've tried to make contact with him again.  I need to understand what went happened.  I need to know what was real.

While he never meant to hurt me, told me he wasn't playing with my feelings, the result remains the same; he did hurt me very much, he did play with my feelings, he did use me and throw me away, regardless of his intent.  And, once done, he did nothing to remedy the damage.  So what am I to think?  I know what everyone tells me to think.

Still, I was there.  I know what was said.  I know how it was said.  I know what was exchanged.  And, I still miss him.  I still genuinely care very much for this person, I think I always will.  I want him in my life, as a friend.   He won't speak to me, won't communicate with me online.  I don't understand and, until I do, I don't think I can let go of this.  He didn't say goodbye, he just made himself unavailable.  When he did he took a piece of me with him.  And, he never had to look me in the eye.  And, I don't think he even understands how cruel this was.

There will always be this hurt.  There will always be the loss of that rare connection.  There will always be this doubt, this confusion, this fear of it happening again.  Because, despite all the hurt, I don't stop caring for people I've loved.  Even when estranged, the door is always ajar.  But I know enough not to stand waiting for it to reopen.

And I guess it's finally hit me
What forever really means
That no amount of dreaming
Is gonna bring you back to me
And it's the end of wishful thinking.
                  _________ Cindy Bullens

from "The End of Wishful Thinking"
on Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth

He brought as much devastation to my life as he brought joy and pleasure.  And, he never had to look me in the eye.  He never had to face any consquences.  He never had to see the pain he caused.  He got everything he wanted from me, then walked away and denied me just one small thing, to meet him.

This has happened to many people, men and women.  It's very painful.  It's not a joke.

But, don't expect sympathy, if it happens to you.  Unless you find someone else this has happened to, you'll more likely find that your friends look at you strangely, think you must be out of your mind to have feelings for someone you've never met.  And when you're hurting and need comfort and support, you might be surprised to find that you're expected to snap out of it.   You're not taken seriously.

One "friend" of mine told me in so many words that my pain was not as real as hers (hers was physical) and I should get over it because she needed me.  I had already spent months being supportive of her.

Getting to know someone online is different than in person.  It's necessary to communicate more than many people usually do; more information, faster.  You can't talk in person, you can't see each other, so you reveal as much about yourself as you can, share as much as you can to overcome the distance.

People communicating online are usually more open and more open-minded.  If something doesn't click right away, that's usually the end of it.  If there's rapport, the hunger for human connection keeps you coming back.

Most people online are very honest about who they are.  But, many, many people online are not interested in having a real relationship.  They enjoy the fantasy, whatever that fantasy entails.

If you want a real friendship, a real relationship, in person, with a real human being, using the Internet is a good way to meet a lot of people quickly.  But, here's some advice to avoid what happened to me and many other people.

Advice

I have a process that I go through to meet people online to avoid this ever happening to me again.  I recommend that you develop a similar procedure that fits your needs.

I have several singles ads online.  My ads include a reasonably recent picture.  I go out relatively frequently.  I continue to meet people online and otherwise.  My expectations have changed enormously.

I generally don't get involved with anyone who isn't within a days drive.  I want company, not penpals.

I insist, most of the time, on receiving a picture from everyone who answers my ads.  If I don't get one, I usually don't answer.

I exchange a few emails, find out a few things, get an impression.

I ask for a phone call or 2 before meeting - more impressions.

I generally arrange to meet within 2 weeks if I'm comfortable with them.  If that doesn't happen, I end it, quickly and finally.

Most of the people I've met are normal, nice and interesting.  There's usually just one date; chemistry is important to me and I find it rare.

Please:

• Don't believe everything you're told.

• Be careful and think before getting too involved.

• Don't get entrapped by romantic imaginings.

• Don't get too emotionally involved before you meet someone. 

• Know what you want and find people who can give it to you.  Be giving in return.  To hell with everyone else.

• Would I want this person in my life again?  Yes, I would.  Maybe.  But...   It would require a meeting.   It would require an explanation.  It would require a lot of time and effort and caring to overcome the damage.   It's not going to happen.  He's not interested.  He probably never was.