March 13th, 2001Dear Diary,
I have made one of the most important decisions of my life today. A Decision to serve God.When I say serve God, I mean do His will whenever possible- no matter what. I'm talking everything I possibly can... How did this come about? I was talking to Randy today and after we got off the phone, I popped in a praise and worship CD Jay made for me of Times Square Church and I was thinking about Randy and then about Hannah, and I realize no matter what I do, it's going to be like it is. Only God can change what is happening. A little of me is bitter and says, 'fine, you wanna abandon me? I don't need you!' And I think I may start behaving that way, and I hope it passes, but I need to focus on God. It feels like they don't want to take the time to spend with me and love me and show me love, which is all I want from them. All they do is show they are in control of my relationships with them. Ok, so I'm being bitter, but I decided I will serve God and focus only on Him, and I know He will bring me true wonderful things in my life. True friends among other wonderful things He has in store for me. The truth is, it is only me and Jesus in my body. We are #1- 'take care of #1' they say- I never have before. I will still love Hannah and Randy with all of my heart, but I need to turn all my focus and process all my emotions through God- not them. And a true desire of my heart is to serve God, a true desire of my heart is to become a close friend of Randy's again- as far as Hannah- I haven't thought about it, I haven't dealt with it yet. I desire God. I will trusty Him with everyhting- every little thing is in His hands. Why? Honestly becasuse I have no other choice. The rejection and pain and hurt and abandonment from them- it's too much. My only fear is falling again. I have been dealing with my hardships as they come (a first for a manic stage) and I have been praying alot for myself (another new thing) and for the people at Carrier and for my friends- Jay, Rhea, Hannah, and Randy. I love them all very very much. They are my favorite people, my closest friends. And I love them all very very much. I pray someday our relationships are restored- but it will be God, not me or them. I will continue to love them so much it hurts- human love- and I am learning Godly, Biblical love- patience, kindness, etc (1 Cor. 13) I would spend time with any of them if they asked. I love them all, but they hurt me so much- they all have abandoned me in one way or another- and I know I have let them down before- they have rejected and hurt me, whether they know it or not, but I know that I have hurt them too. Well, there it is, a goal. And I know I will fail at one point or another (a huge step- I used to not be able to accept my failures- well, I still can't accept them, but I acknowledge them now) Reliance on God. I pray it all works out. -K Koval  (this is later on in the day...) Dear Diary, ok, so I went to my new job today- I liked it alot- I like the people, the atmosphere... I don't like the feet hurting though. I don't like the skirt thing- I don't like the pantyhose. No, don't like that, but the job itself is good and I think God will provide through it. I've been doing well with the focusing on God thing so far today (hey- take it onbe day at a time, so what if it's only been a few hours?!) Anyhow, I've been doing well on doing His will. I am changing on the inside- I don't know how exactly to explain it, but I'm going through metamorphosis- I'm changing- God is changing me. I am becoming a different person on the inside. It's hard to explain, but I know it's a good thing. I'm becoming more independent- one reason (this isn't too good) is that I'm scared to get hurt by people- like on the phone today with Randy- he hurt me. It makes me want to open up even less to people. But I am becoming more independent- my own person, alone... I think it's because I'm scared of the hurt and rejection- it feels like that's all I've been getting- but I think I fear even more that my friends won't try to reach out to me when I pull away like this... I don't know. I want to be loved, I want to be safe, I don't want to feel alone. That's me in a nutshell. This constant rejection is pushing me away... I just want them to show me love... I love God. ~~~
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