March 11th, 2001

Dear Diary,

Today was not the best day to say the least. It was a Sunday. I woke up. That's about all I did today. Not too much more. I felt very low and kinda lathargic today- not sure why. I just didn't feel like doing anything all day, just bored and lazy and kinda depressed...

Later on in the day I was watching a movie (by myself being invisible to everyone else in the house) and I got to thinking about Hannah- I only thought a few moments sbout her- I still haven't dealt with the situation at all- it's been awhile, but I haven't talked about it or even tried to deal with it yet... sigh

Then I got to thinking about Randy. I started thinking about the kind of stuff we used to do together (which consisted of everything) and I got really nostalgic. I miss him alot- the time we spend together- just stupid things I miss- the stupidist little things about him that made him, well, Randy...
I know, I should just tell him how I feel- and yeah, I want to, I really do, but I'm so scared of the hurt and rejection and pain I go through because of these walls we have between us- and I'm scared to get hurt from him, because I know he doesn't feel the same way- I know he doesn't miss me or the time we used to spend together. He didn't really like the time we used to spend together.
I do want to tell him, but he will undoubtedly think that I like him as more than friends (that, by far, makes me the most angry- I just feel like when he thinks that way, which I htink i squite often, he is being so conceited. Yeah, he had a reason to think that, but now it just hurts...) Anyhow, he would start thinking things and that I don't have a grasp on my emotional dependency-
The truth is, I don't have a grasp on my emotional dependency- I do it with everyone every day- but the former manipulative behaviors and 'clingyness' (I am aware that word isn't real) is not going to happen anymore. The reason for the emotional dependency (ED from now on for short- I'm lazy) is because I am so not secure as myself- my self esteem sucks, to be blunt.
Anyhow, I was thinking about him and how much I really do miss him... I miss him alot. I just want us to be close again- I know the emotional walls between us are somewhat my fault- I have extreme fear of rejection from him because of the past month or so- and extreme fear of it- it's because I care about him so much it could ruin me... I don't know what to do or say, but I want us to be close again...

Well, so there I was, thinking about Hannah and Randy and about the new job and the house and my financial sit- mostly about the people stuff, and I was crying in my room- so hard. Oh, Lord, I was in so much pain- so so so much pain, and I still am to tell you the truth- it doesn't hurt any less, but God has granted me strength in the situation.
So I opened up my Bible and started at the New Testament- Matthew- and read until dinner. I plan on reading Changes that Heal, the chapter on boundaries- which are for separation from self- not for awkward time-type constrictions, but whatever...
Anyhow, I prayed and journaled and read the Bible and (I hate saying this because I feel like me saying this means I'm ok and not to worry) I was happy with myself for doing that- you have no idea how hard it is to pull yourself out when you fall- well, God pulled me out, but I had to reach up my hand first, and boy is that hard...

Anyhow, I am very depressed today, missing alot of people- not sure about Hannah- I'm still numb to it, but definately Randy...
I'm very upset and I just feel like crying all day- it hurts alot- all I feel right now is pain and rejection and lonliness- intense lonliness like you could not imagine- I am so alone right now- physically- which I am able to deal with better now, but I'm also mentally and emotionally alone as well-
All I feel is that lonliness reverberating, echoing throughout my body- and all I feel is pain- because I feel so alone- so nostalgic- I feel like in separation, a piece of me is missing- I don't feel quite whole when people are apart from me- people that I love... it isn't an ED thing exactly, I know what kind of stuff is ED and yes it is similair but have you read many books on ED? No? Then shh!
I am making progress like you wouldn't believe- far past comprehension or what I could explain- the processes in my head- as far as ED- they are being conformed to normality- or health, whichever term you prefer. Either way, it's a good thing... But I am still so alone, you know?

Pain
and lonliness
are the artists
of my heart

-K Koval