March 9th, 2001Dear Diary,It has been a long day. Much has happened. I think I'm a lot more messed up than the doctors think I am... I don't know. I suppose everyone thinks they're crazy at one point or another... Anyhow, I had a pretty good morning- I go tto sleep in, I woke up in a state of perpetual mania this morning- hence the non-threatening last entry of the diary. Anyhow, I met up with Rhea on campus and it was good, and then I go to talk to Randy for the first time in a long time, and that was good, I mean, I still have alot of pain, I mean, it's more than I would ever let him know because I know him and he really allows himself to feel so guilty over stuff (like I should talk, I know I'm the guilt queen...) Anyhow, I'd say the entire day got turned upsidedown when I saw Hannah today... She was with a friend of ours (more her friend than mine it would appear), and it hurt me so bady- I felt so weak in the knees, and I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. I started to sob as Jay and I rounded the corner (he was with me- he has been through it all, he's been the greatest to me, really...). And I immediately surpressed the hurt I was feeling as I supressed the rest of the pain I have been enduring because of Hannah. Anyhow, I ended up at my Christian group, but as we began praise and worship, all those feelings of Hannah and the betrayl I felt- the ultimate abandonment- they all came flooding back to me as if all at once. All I could think about was how my best female friend, someone I have known since before preschool could abandom me whenI needed her most. Through think in thin, they say. I suppose it got to thick. I have a lot of anger toards her because of the hurt, the rejection, the abandonment- my greatest fears have been realized and have been magnified through this whole experience. It hurts, so badly, infact, that I can't deal with it- so I supress it. And tonight I was ready to let it all out. I wanted to cry, I wanted to sob, but I wanted someone to comfort me while I was doing so. Anyhow, I told Randy what was going on with me and of course he offers his sympathies. (It still hurts me so badly, the situation with him. I know it sounds so childish, but I miss him. All I get from him is rejection, abandonment, hurt, and I know he may not mean it, but still...) So I told him about Hannah, and whatever, I don't know what I expected from him, maybe something. It would be nice if he would call me to see if I'm ok, but he's never seemed to do that before- like last sat (this has caused me alot of anger) I called him up because I was so low and I was falling, crashing, and (I feel so bad for calling him, but I had no other choice- I did try other people though- many) I called him and I was hysterical and I told him I would call my therapist but that I knew it would get worse over the next few days, and I thanked him for the converstation, it did help me, but I didn't hear anything form him until I called him. I was kinda upset that he didn't call to see if I had killed myself and I know I shouldn't be upset over it, and I know he doesn't want to call me, it's just I can't help but to compare it to how it was before. I just feel like he didn't care or he would have called, you know? I mean, I had no one and he knew that. I had no one beside me to help me through, I had no one. I do not blame him, I know it is not his responsibility to call me, I know this, and it's silly things like this that hurt me, and it's not just him, this happens with everyone. It happens with all of my friends and even my family. I do not mean what I say about how I feel to be mean to him at all, and I care about him alot. The reason I do not say these things to him is that I know he would feel so very guilty and that would make him ever more angry with me, but I can't help the way I feel, but therapy is going to help me interpret situations better. Behavioral therapy will help me alot. I was hurt, because I feel constant rejection I feel him- not so much what he does do, but what he doesn't. I know I can deal with these insecurities and hurts apart from hurting him, because I know if he were to know these things it would hurt him and make him feel guilty. And I know if he ever does visit this webpage he'll take one look at how long this is and click the back button... On the other hand, if I really, really think about it, I know he must care about me because I know he does pray for me. And I know that sometimes he may miss mie, I mean, maybe sometimes he does, who am I to judge. I know he does care atleast a bit, I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe someone loves me again, but if I believed he did before, maybe in time... Now that we have jumped off topic, and, by the way, I do feel better. Well, I told him about Hannah and I told Rhea that I was going to leave and I didn't tell Jay because he's been giving up a lot of time to listen to me, adn I do appreciate it alot though I don't say it or express it clearly at all. So I just told them I was leaving (and I was in no condition to drive- I was pretty close to killing myself because I was so drugged up on someone else's prescribed medicine... And I see it now, but I didn't before and I can't help but to feel angry at Randy and a bit at Rhea for letting me drive home like I was. (I know they're not my keepers and all that, but I should not have been driving. It was bad.) Anyhow, I told them I was leaving, they pretty much didn't care that the dead have risen (because in alot of ways it feels like Hannah has died). They didn't care that I was going to scream and cry for an hour in my car before returning home. They didn't seem to care that I needed people very badly, that I needed to see someone caared, that I needed to understand someone loved me, that someone in this fucking world hasn't completely abandoned me... but apparently, they didn't care. I can't help but to be hurt by them not caring at all. They didn't care. They didn't care... They don't care. I was alone. Again. Alone, again. Like I am right now, softly crying as I type, making sure not to wake the rest of the house. Softly crying, as I do most everyday. And here I was thinking that I was manic today. But I don't feel as though I am going to fall, I am going to hang on, cling to God. The anger I feel is real. I have never felt anger before- I always expressed hurt through manipulative behaviors, I'd rather this feeling. I know I will be ok, I know I will make it... I will be ok. I know that they care about me, but sometimes it's hard because I already feel so incredibly hurt and abandoned and rejected by so many people my perception gets skewed. I know that Rhea cares about me, I know it, it's just hard sometimes for me, because of all the hurt, I get angry. And Randy, as I said before, I know he cares... that doesn't mean I don't feel lonely when I am alone... yet pain and lonliness are the artists of my heart -K Koval Anyhow, it's me again- I'm sorta cheating- I'm making a second entry in the same day- I wrote that very early this morning, between 12 and 1am so I was hurt and angry- at Hannah mostly- I try to cover it up with other feelings- about other situations like Rhea and Randy. I feel better today, I still haven't talked about the Hannah issue- a bit with God, a little crying with Jesus, but I haven't talked talked yet... Today I talked to a really nice lady I go to carrier with- Daria- and her sister recruits people for Macy's and they might have a human resources position, which would be very very nice. I'm also going to make lots of phone calls about jobs- I know that God wanted me to move into that house with those girls, so I know he will provide financially, though it may seem impossible. I have to believe that. Over all, I'm pretty chill today, doing ok, and all that jazz... we'll see how I do tomorrow though:) Take care all and God Bless! -K Koval  Ok, just one last thing- this is yet later again in the day- I got a job!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!! I am waitressing with Rhea, actually- it should be interesting, it's a real ritzy place and my former boss was not happy about me leaving there at all- but I'll still be working every other sunday. Praise the Lord! For he is so good to me! Rhea didn't think I would ever have much of a chance (she thought this at first) because he hardly ever hires people that don't have an experience with serving, so this is out of character, plus I'm kinda young and all but they're going to train me starting next Tues and Wends, so it should be exciting. I thank God for this job, it was all Him... It looks like I may be able to afford living on campus after all- I know I will be able to if it is His will... P.S. If you read these entries and think I do not have a mood disorder, please raise your hand. .........I thought so...
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