March 8th, 2001
Dear Diary,
I have a lot of stress right now and I'm not sure what to do with it all. I know if I think about all the stuff going on, I'll just die... well, maybe... most likely maybe not...Let's start with me moving out. Yes, moving out- somehow I have to come up with 2 1/2 monthes' rent by june! (This is the girl who cannot even pay her bills as it is) Like, I am so far in debt with credit cards and I have to pay car insurance and I still have my cell phone- and my phone bill for long distance calls at mom's.
This is how I have worked it out in my head... my father says he'll pay for school, that's not a problem- and maybe I'll get the next meal plan up so I can, you know, eat every once in awhile. I was thinking that might be a good idea. And my mother said she can help me a little with rent, but not too much- not much at all, actually. I don't know... And I'm going to get a real job- that's right- I'm going to have a real job working real hours. And I'll be going to school part time for the next year. That way I'm still in classes and I'm working. Hopefully everyhting will work out because I'm already committed. If I reallt hink about everything I jsut said, I get incredibly anxious and stressed out. I mean, it's going to take one major job to help me! I know that if I don't give this to God, there is no way it will be done- at all_ ever. We'll see how it works out.
Let's see, what else is new today? I'm doing ok today, which it bad... I know, sounds odd. Wel,, I'm afraid, really. When I am down, I'm scared to get any closer to God because the second I do, I get all better, which is good, but I enevitably fall again- and if I do, I don't know if I'm going to be able take it. I mean, it's the worst feeling in the entire world to fall, and when it happens I'm all alone and no one cares, it's hard to find a reason to live at all. And when I'm up, like i'm getting today, I think I'm invincible and nothing can bother me at all in the least- I think I'm fine and that I'm cured and nothing bad will happen again. But when I start getting upset (this will be in a few days) I suddenly get scared, reaslly, really, scared of falling agian. I hate it. It is so hard to live up and then down, and then up, and then down. It's a constant see-saw. It's hard for me to explain right now because I'm ok and I doubt it will happen again- but when it does (and inside I know it will) I will be on here again to explain it perfectly. I think I always think clearer when I'm upset- well, clearer about my problems.
I dont' really know what today today. I'm not going to my therapy as much during the week because of my stupid insurance company which made me vary angry, as you might imagine. Anyhow, I know today and the next few will be ok days because I'm ok for a bit. We'll see about next week though. Goodbye for now (sorry this entry had pretty much nothing to say but updates, but all well!
-K Koval
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