March 7th, 2000

Dear Diary,
I think today was a lousey day but I sure did learn alot- about myself, about others- you know, alot... especially about anger. That was the topic for group today.
Before we get to far into the subjct, I had better define anger as I learned it today: anger is a secondary emotion. It is the result and the portrayly of another, primary emotion such as hurt, fear of abandonment, guilt, you get the idea... I have a ton of all of those- but we'll start with the first and foremost...
Hurt. I am swimming in a sea of hurt right now- and it looks like that storm we were supposed to get- you know, the 40 inches, is heading right for me. Hurt, pain. All because of my greatest fear- abandonment.
The fear of abandonment. By far my greatest fear of all- and lately it is like I am living in my worst nightmare. Everything I dreaded the most has come true...
When I feel hurt or like I am being abandoned, I get angry. I get really steamed. This is the usual first response, and the "other" side of me (long story), the "B" side of me usually wants to lash out and destroy the person who caused me the pain... The other side of me usually makes me appear as though I have "shut down" and I often dissociate into some small object I'm intently staring at. This is usually followed by a pretention of being ok, and then afterward, when I realize it is ok to be angry (this goes with the guilt) and then I immediately want to work it our with the person I am mad with. This is a healthy thing except that I should not pretend I am ok. I should request a short time period to regain my composure and sort things out (that's what pretending I'm ok accomplishes).
Anyhow, guilt. Oh boy... this is somehting I really really need to focus on- and I don't really find that I will have time today- at all- to attend to even half of all the issue has done to me... Guilt. Where to begin? It is a super sensitive subject because repressed guilt (and suppressed anger, though that usually somes alot from guilt) is the cause of depression, meaning in my case, my current relapse. My relapse occured about a month ago and the last "episode of episodes" was in my sophomore year of high school. Guilt is something I have lived with all my life, as one might live with love and affection. Guilt was a tactic- whether intentional or not- that both my parents used against me.
Around the age of 8 I was guilty for my parent's divorce. I mean, in my head, it was my fault. It was all my fault. My mother, in some flights of rage, sometimes reassured the idea. Guilt. I felt guilty for the way I looked in grade school. I was ugly, fat, and I was a bitch. No one liked me, no one wanted to hang out with me- no one... and when I would come home from school my mother would sometimes tell me things would be differnt if I "lost weight". I was guilty for the abuse I sustained at school. Guilt- I became guilty of many things after that- my first boyfriend and I's break-up, and many many other mishaps after that.
But most recently I experience guilt (this is not easy for my) because of the horribe lies I said to people to get them to not leave me. I am guilty of betraying htem. The one male friend I mentioned last entry, Randy, feels "uncomfortable" around me. Ever since the day he told me that, I have been literally plagued with guilt. I mean, it is because of me that he is even hurt in the first place. It is because of me he is setting all these hurtful boundaries. It is because of me that he doesn't care anymore. It is all my fault. And I live with that everyday- the guilt. And the hurt. And the fear of abandonment that is more of a reality than a fear anymore. Anger.
The guilt comes from low self esteem, and the low self esteem partially from guilt... it's an endless cycle. Not following? Well, since I have nt too much time, I'll be brief. I have no assertiveness, so the guilt comes natural- because of my low self-esteem, I just assume it is my fault... And because it is my fault and I'm a bad person, I feel guilty... I don't know what to do about it, actually. Ok, I've psychanalyzed myself, um, now what??? hmmm... I don't know.
Overall I'm feeling ok now because I have cut myself off from the hurt and fear and guilt for the time being- which, in turn, separates me from the anger. I dont' know how good it is to do that, but I do do it... hmmm... Well, time certainly is not the ally, but I will leave you with one more thought.
I am scared to get close to God, just as I am scared to fall aay from God. I am upset now, and I am scared to join God because it is so good and then I always fall again and the fall is so hard to deal with. I honestly don't know if I am going to be able to survive another crash like the last one... I am scared of going up... I am scared to get close to God. There is much, much more on this, but that's all for now...
Ho hum...
-K Koval

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