Dear Diary,
Life has been anything but easy lately. I moved into the new house in New Brunswick, and spent a couple nights alone, screaming and wailing late into the night. Alone. It's so dark, my world. No one in the world will ever know it except God. No one ever wants to know except God.I realize no one is going to ever want someone like me in their life- I'm so messed up it's not even funny. I just realized a couple days ago that I really don't have any friends... well, Randy, Jay, but they're so very far away. I miss my drive in the morning- I miss being able to think for an hour a day while driving- it was such an amazing, cleansing thing... I miss it so much- maybe jogging in the morning could take the place of it. Or should I say jogging in the mourning...
Well, time for updates: Rhea has moved in (Sarah, another roomate has been moved in for awhile) Well, thing are ok between me and Rhea... but I feel like I just let all the pain she caused me be ok, like I didn't even tell her how much she hurt me. I think I need to do that, bigtime.Well, I hate what Sarah and Rhea are doing to the house- it's so nasty. Too cluttered and too much of bad things. I hate it- I hate that it can't be simple and modern, but they have to make it cluttered. It's seriously pissing me off like you would not believe- I can feel the anger building up inside of me, as an inner, compartmentalized pain- like a separate person inside of me is controling these horrible thoughts... Why does it all have to be their way? I have no say! I have no say! I have no say! I live there too you know! I pay the most rent even! I should have some say in the situation. It's just not fair, and it's just plain ugly!Hannah- wrote me on my birthday. I don't know what I want to do. I want her to hurt, bad, for what she did- she left me, abandoned me, just like everyone else has. Why should I forgive them? I would never do that to anyone... why should I forgive them? What they did was horrible! She hurt me alot... I might give it another chance, but I don't know how intimate our relationship will be able to be... I intend on keeping her a safe distance for awhile. I don't know... she's hurt me so much...
Jay- his pride gets in the way alot in my head. Because when I think of most people, I think of a character trait or a memory that describes them. I think of pride with him. I love him to death, I really do, and I pray for him a whole lot, and I miss him. But I'm sometimes scared to talk to him because he's so prideful and he gets jealous and he's very uncompassionate and I take it personally because he's like my opposite in that aspect and it's hard for me to understand why he doesn't feel empathetic about bad situations... it's just hard for me. I guess I've been struggling with that for awhile. And now I don't know where to go with it but bring it to the Lord. I feel like he's so prideful but I don't know why. I don't think he's any better than me, but he's so prideful, like he loves God more than anyone else in the world. And I feel as though he loses track of Jesus and God because he focuses so much on the "Holy Ghost" and on spiritual things and not enough on God and Jesus. In my opinion, he is not educated enough or far enough or at the point where he can be and expert on the Holy Ghost or on spiritual things to not be decieved constantly. I've been having the "intuition" (knowledge) thing since I was small- my father the same, and I've had many many experiences with it, and I have been subject to gross amounts of deception- even recently. I'm just worried about him focusing too much on the gifts and not enough on God because I know all about the deception, and how impossible it is to see. But I do think he's great :)
Well, that guy at work (Carl- April 5th entry) who has the kids and left for Puerto Rico is coming back and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm pissed because he never called- I know, whatever, I meant nothing but a chalk mark, but still, it hurt! It really did- I know I was asking for it and maybe in the back of my head I knew it would end up horribly, but that doesn't make it fun or right. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've changed alot since then, I know it. God has broken me so many times and rebuild me... we'll see what happens. I will pray alot, I know that much.
I've been thinking about Gary lately. He never called me back to work things out- that means he never really cared- so why do I think about him, why do I have an inner drive to work it out. I seek out difficult relationships. It's like I seek out the pain... I really loved the kid, too.
Who in this world cares anymore? God and Jesus, I know, and Randy... and that's it! It kills me.
Another update- Randy came down to visit and it was wonderful to spend time with him- it was truly a treat and I love him so much and we went to dinner at the restaurant where I work and we rented movies, I made dinner, it was so much fun. (yes I know that was a run-on sentence) He only stayed for a day and the morning, but we had fun... I'm going to visit him at the begining of next month hopefully... it should be fun...I also don't know if I can afford to live in New Brunswick financially as well as well as emotionally... Anyhow, I just need prayer and lots of it. I don't know how I'm going to pull off the next few monthes.Speaking of next month, we're moving... my mom and Chard (my brother) and me. It's not going to be very fun for any of us. I hate change. I truly do, more than anything in the world. I do not adjust well. That means I basically suck at life... I don't want to move- I'm not even going to have a bedroom there- I'm going to live in the basement... I just want to cry at the thought of it. Things are just so hard lately.
The one good thing is that my life is one adventure after another. If you want adventure in your life, become my friend. God knows I love to be kept on my toes. That's the one good thing about it all.
'Till next time,
-K Koval
