March 6th, 2001

Dear diary,

I need to discover the aspect of God, I really do. I am trying to live in this world, I realize. I am trying to live apart from reality, for Jesus Christ is the only true reality.
This is a hard concept for me especially because I am sorta a new Christian. I guess I hate to admit that, well, all teh time, because I feel as though it is a hindrance of some sort on my part.
I find myself going through intense dry spells, as well as intense, spirit-filled times. I suppose everything about me is exteme, I live from extreme to extreme- always, it seems... I want to live a constantly spirit-filled life, and I know that isn't really humanly possible. I mean, I know it, but when I don't attain it or falter in the least, I blame myself and begin to hate myself and I get all mad and I don't even try any longer. I suppose I need to realize that mistakes are ok.
Ok, that was hard to say... because in my head, mistakes are not ok. They're not ok at all. I believe that all mistakes are avoidable, and when I make mistakes, I am a horrible person for that. Oh, boy, the subject of low self-esteem. I could literally write a book on all the things I dislike about myself... I mean that literally...

So what is it that I need to realize? Well, I need to have some sort of self- dicipline. I know this, I really do, it's just I don't care- not in the least- about myself- at all, ever. When I am depressed, I don't care about anything. I just want love, really, that's it- it's that simple. I know in my head I am looking in the wrong places, bu my heart hasn't quite recieved the message if ya know what I mean.
I want so badly to become independently dependent on Jesus Christ. I want that. But when I feel myself begin to slip, and I know I should pick up the Bible or pray, I don't. All I want is for someone to come and rescue me. I want people! I want real live people to love me. It is so hard for me to accept the reality of Christ. I want people to care! But the truth is, at this point in my life, Christ in me is the only person alive (yes, He is alive) that cares for me.
In my heart, that isn't enough! I want my friends to care, I want my family to be supportive! That isn't going to happen. That may never happen. I may spend the rest of my existence waiting for that to happen.

The truth is, I am flying solo with God at this point in my life. No one is here right now as I am crying, no one is here holding my hand- and no one wants to be here. My two best friends Randy and Hannah have abandoned me when I needed them most. Through thick and thin, they always say. I suppose it got too thick for them both. They left me to my darkness. But Jesus has not left me.

Jesus is the only on who has not left me. It hurts, I hate it. I hate that I only have Jesus, and I know I shouldn't say that but to he!! with that! I absolutelyhate that I have to go through all this pain alone. I hate it! I hate it, I really do. No one understands, not a single person in the world really gives a damn! I hate it that I am left alone, and that no one even tries to understand the hurt, the pain- I have lost everyone I cared about the most. I recieve no support in exchange, I recieve no comfort- only more cold shoulders, more reasons for tears, and they come- hard and fast, quite frequently lately. The depression has relapsed for the first time in four years. The battle is endless, and nearly impossible alone. Damn them! Damn them all for leaving me here to rot alone! Damn them! I hate them for leaving me... they love not, they care not, they are not...
It is so hard... loving and then hating- a constant battle I wage against my emotions- Oh, Lord, I will try so hard to lean on You, Lord. All I feel right now is bitterness. I pray those who read this do not judge but realize it's truth- it is me. These words are me. I have never been real before. I am so scared. And so alone.

Lord, I pray for wisom, strength, faith, patience, and trustful reliance... I feel better now that I have vented. Oh, Lord, please help me as I go now to pray and read Your word...
Pain
and lonliness
are the artists
of my heart
-K Koval
can they not see I am only starving for love?

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The Greatest Role Model (random thought/prose)
This is a random thought I had today and last night, more like prose than actual diary entry material, didn't really know where it would fit so I stuck it here... But I am going to try and bring these words- pack their bags and move them from my head to my heart... Anyhow, here it is...

The most important thing in life is finding the right role model. You laugh and snicker- maybe even sneer, but I say truth to you of this subject. Because we mold ourselves into the person we have as a role model, and shouldn't it be a truly wonderful person? It is important!
From birth we learn by seeing, hearing, from what we observe around us. From the second we exit our mother's womb we are exposed to the world, and already we begin to learn.
We begin with our parents- our mother, our father we see what they do, we do as they do.
Society paints the picture of our lives as we enter higher grades. Society sketches our attitudes, our clothes, our desires- our very lives.
And I tell you, we live of the world when we live by society. The best role model that ever livd is not some movie star or performer. He is Jesus.
Christ, the Son of God, came to the earth as a man, and was guilty of no sin, yet He was crucified alongside theives.
Jesus loved unconditionally, His caring had no boundries, yet his suffering was unimaginable.
Jesus bore the cross in the face of betrayl from all His diciples, even His most estute, Peter, who denied Jesus three times. Inocence faced undue humiliation, He faced mockery of all sorts.
Jesus came to the earth and suffered, dying innocently upon the cross and rose again to redeem all man's sins. He was patient, kind, gentle, good, and- perfect, for He was the Son of God.
The prefect role model, the only deserving role model, Is Jesus.

It is sometimes hard to understand me, I know this- I go from happy to sad, to happy to- well, you get the idea. The truth is I am hurt by what my friends did, I am hurt that they have all left me. At the same time I find hope in God... everything in my life is an extreme. But I plan on getting better... :)

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