April 26th, 2001
Dear Diary,
These past couple weeks have been anything but easy. I have been dealing with a number of things- one of which includes the concept of fairness. The other covetousness, and another still isolation. Me and Rhea have been on the rocks... and work has been exhausting. And no one loves me. That just about sums it up...
Anyhow, to start things off... Rhea- just a summarization because I have cried over her enough. Anyhow, she did not return any of my phone calls for three weeks- my therapist said it was foolish of me to even try more than twice- I agree. SO she's been hanging out with Randy and Jay alot lately and I feel as though she's like taking over my life and I feel so much anger towards he as I write this- I was her to hurt so badly you have no idea.
I mean, hello! I am not a piece of shit that you can just toss to the side, Rhea, I don't fucking care if I killed your family- I do not deserve the treatment you have given me. I hate you as I write this- you have done the same thing to me every other female in my life has- deserted me and then stabbed me in the back through other friends.
I hope you have a lot of fun with Randy and Jay- I hope you fall of the earth for it. How DARE you treat me like this? I will not be mocked!
I loved you, Rhea- I treasure our friendship- it was the first trusting one I've had with a female in awhile- and you broke my heart so perfectly. You left me, abandoned me- and mocked me- you mock my pain. How DARE you do this to me? If you don't like m atleast have enough backbone to say it to my face! Al I feel is pure anger and thirt for vengence- for compensation- I thirst for it, I crave it- you have no idea- how dare you.
I pity you. I pity the human who is low enough to do the inexcusable injustices you have done to me- leaving my alone and then spendind all waking moments beside my closest friends- driving the knife further into my back, oh, God the blood is pools on the floor- red, blood red... pain...
Why? To hurt me. All I see is the blackness of your heart. Turning away from me you have caused me much pain- you have cost me too much to explain.
I am no child to be toyed with. I am not intrument to be played. I am no fool to hang around. get over yourself, Rhea, or I'll get over you.
That felt so good- to let out the anger... nevermind that "just summarization" stuff I said I was going to do... hehe... Reading over it I can't believe I wrote those things, but it captures the essence of anger- I seized the anger and pasted it up here in words- but it is all anger... an awesome description of exactly how I was feeling- not that I'm proud of my anger, I'm not.
Fairness
The aspect of fairness has been the overseer of much of the past week- the dictator of my conscious, of my pain and much of my miscontent.
Well, I have many friends that have parents ythat pay for all their schooling- from books and tuition to pin money, and their living arangements and everyhting- and a friend of mine is going to study abroad next semester, his parents are paying for it. And here I am, busting my ass everyday at work, working 55 hours a week and going to school as well, and how is that fair? How is it fair that I have to work more hours than the average career person when I'm twenty years old and in college? How is that fair? How is that fair? It isn't, it just isn't.
I Hate this. I hate going to work everyday, knowing every dollar I make goes to bills when some people sit on their arses all day watching TV and sketching the scene on campus (ie the parties) - how is that fair?
You have no idea how hard the life I live is... Does God reward people who struggle like me? It is just not fair, Lord- just not fair... I can will be almost dead before I ever start my career- let alone get my master's degree... I'm going to be in school for the next 10 years- my younger brother is goin to graduate college before me! It's just not fair... and sometimes I think about it as I'm picking up for my one table out of 8 that just sat down and the tears start to well up- like they are right now... and I feel so lost, so alone, and the pain- you cannot imagine it. I never got anything that is fair ever in my life- not a fair childhood, or school year,s and now... people I love don'y love me back
Unfair Love
Take Randy for instance- he is my best friends- I mean, next to my family I love him more than anyone else in the entire world- I wopuld not hesitate to give up my entire life for his- the love I have for him is beyond any I have ever know before- my greates friend... he is so precious to me, he is so important to me... but to him, I am just another friend... I don't know if you could understand that at all- it's hard... it's almost like unrequited love, in the friendship way- and it hurts just as bad- a torturous fire that burns into my heart the pain, the agony- rejection... rejection... you do not love me, you never will. I cannot make you feel the same.
My friend, you are so precious to me... beyond rubies and emeralds- beyond beauty are you. I love you so much and it is pure torture. I hate this. I pray for God to take it away- the love- for Randy, for Hannah- the unrequited caring, the pain that comes shortly after... could anyone possibly love me?
I wonder this everyday it seems... will no one love me as I love them? Oh, God... why have you cursed me with such tenderness? The pain that ensures grief chases the tears that seem to flow now from my eyes.. pain... that is all I feel- physical pain all over... agony, grief... I love them.. hteyt will never understand the extent. I have been cursed with this love... I have been cursed with this body, with this life, with this mind...
Look at me, the way I look, how ugly I am... how can you say life is fair? No one in this world would ever think of baing with me... I will end up alone... it hurts, Lord. Looking in the mirror, it hurts... I can no longer read the words on the screen through these tears... All I want is one thing, oh Lord... I just want one thing in this world... to be loved.
Will it ever happen...? Do you understand my pain, Lord? Then why do you falter to free me from these flames? I burn alive...
Covetousness
I covet so many things- ismplistically, there are material posessions- such has fast cars, a motercycle, an awesome flat, nice clothes, things like that...
But lately I have wished to be other people- to have the lifestyles they have- not just their material posessions, their fortune- to be able to go to Europe- I would give anything...
What exactly bothers me about Randy going to Europe? It's a combination- and I'll be honest... well, the fact that I don't want him to go, that he's going there without me (yes, childish, but it hurts and it's true...) and that he's fortunate enough to be able to go. I see all that he has- a wonderful family- I covet his family so much- to have a supportive family- to have parent that listen- to have a mother, that's, a mother- I would give anyhitng for that- anyhting in this world to have a family like him... he is so lucky... Oh, Lord... was I cursed? Why do I fare poor while they lay beneath blue skies?
Oh, Lord.. the pain... so much pain in my life lately.. all I've done is cry...
A Cry to God
I wish I had a different life- where I didn't struggle each day, going to work each day with longing sorrow deep in my heart... With a cry my Lord has not yet answered, and may not. With the burdon of finances, with the denied request of love. I must put on an act and face the world as brave as possible, when desperately my soul hungers for love... I do not know where this courage comes from- it could only be the Lord. Courage to face a cruel world that denies me assistence. As I wake up in the morning I think of how I am going to be facing another long day, where I will have no contact with people I love, how I cry on the inside, (do you not know I have depression- the pain is all the time- anly when I go numb can stay sane...) and I apply my cheerful face, pretending the world I live in is perfect and bright..
gotta go... bye
Ok, it's me on 02/28/01 to finish- I had to go anyhow, yea, that's what's been up... this is a better ending....
-K Koval
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